Dearly Beloved, This Is So Stupid


Despite production’s failed attempt to punk us, the wedding is on, that is if the miserable couple can stop fighting long enough to say their vows. The weather is not cooperating, deck hand and Gary Coleman look-alike, Mzi (“Zee”) almost drops the wedding cake getting it on board, and Chef Mathew succeeds in dropping it while getting it out of the walk-in freezer. But thankfully, bosuness Malia saves the day and manages to re-attach the flowers on the cake.


It’s the big day, and breakfast is awkward, but to the crew’s great disappointment, the feuding lovebirds still want to go through with the ceremony. As usual, Chef Matthew is feeling very overwhelmed, and Captain Sandy is also a nervous wreck because she has never officiated a wedding before (just another reason I never believed she was a real Captain). Sandy declares that the wedding has to happen on the boat due to the lousy weather.


Finally, it’s time for the wedding, and the crew lines up to witness the nuptials, Head Stew Katie slips on the stairs, but unlike drama queen Mathew, she’s fine, and will NOT be needing 24 hours (or an MRI) to recover. After telling us how stressed she is about memorizing her script, Sandy reads two lines from her phone and it’s official; the doomed couple are now hitched. Matthew starts pushing out the food, and the totally trashed new husband sobs over a rainbow. The new wife cries too because a psychic said her grandfather would show up to her wedding as a rainbow.


The guests want more lamb, but the primary "can't eat pets" and demands something else, so Lexi goes to the galley to let Matthew know. Former “Miss Bahamas” turned yachtee, Lexi, is being particularly obnoxious towards Chef Mathew and proceeds to stand ON the crud that Mathew had just swept into a pile. When he kindly asks her to watch where she’s stepping, the stew from hell orders the chef to “just concentrate on getting the food on the plate(s)”. As a viewer I’m laughing at her audacity, but as a human being, I’m as enraged as Mathew. In no uncertain terms, Matthew reminds Lexi that HE outranks HER and throws her out of the galley, but not after warning her to “never talk that way to him again”.


This scene perplexed me, because I thought I sensed some mutual flirting going on between these two, but I guess that shows what I know about heterosexual courting rituals. Lexi is obviously this season’s villain; she argues with everyone, including the Chief Stew on the proper placement of wine and water goblets on a table. To make matters worse, they run out of lamb because Lexi was stuffing her face with the guest’s lamb pops!  I really don’t see this chick lasting the entire season.


It’s the next day, and finally time to unload the guests. It’s Malia’s first docking with the new crew, and they do a great job despite the windy conditions. At the departure ceremony, the emotional primary reveals that they too are in the hospitality industry, and tip accordingly; each banking $1718 each. At the tip meeting, Mathew gallantly offers to forego his tip to his fellow crew members  (for bailing on them the first day), but Sandy won’t hear of it.


The crew head out for first time to lay one on, and also to celebrate Zee’s 26th birfday. Lexi and Mathew make up, and we learn that deckhand David (who could pass for Chef Tom’s twin brother) has a crush on Malia (ugh!), and Arnold Drummond Zee has a crush on Courtney (yeah that’s gonna happen). Meanwhile the other girls are not feeling the deck crew, and I can’t say I blame them. It would be nice if just once, we could have a crew who don’t carry on like animals in heat, but we all know that’s not going to happen. Let the boatmances begin.