Bachelor Wannabes Need Not Apply


The episode begins with Bachelor wannabe Thomas on his morning jog, and just in case we forgot, it cuts to grainy B&W flashback footage of Thomas’s alleged crimes; that is confessing that becoming the next Bachelor did indeed cross his mind. The men simply are not buying Thomas’s story that he went from Instagram entrepreneur to falling in love with Katie in three weeks. As if each and every one of these fame man whores don’t want to be the next “Bachelor” right? The absurdity of it all.



It’s time for the second group date of the week, and they’re already repeating pandemic group dates. The men will have to race around the ugly hotel grounds and embarrass themselves while being forced to consume platefuls of Twinkies, pasta, and mashed potatoes as Katie and her two sidekicks watch through binoculars. Mike P shouts to Katie, “If I get fat, you better still love me when it’s over!”.


Next, the guys have to whisper sweet nothings in a giant ear for a full minute. Tre breaks out his British accent again, and I’m thinking those acting classes really paying off, because he doesn’t even sounds like an American, let alone a black man doing a fake British accent. But at the same time I’m realizing that Tre is getting dangerously close to the “friend/buddy zone”. Like virtually every one of the remaining black men, Tre has no game whatsoever. Greg takes a geographic route, and decides to list several states using as many sexual innuendos as possible, ending on the phallic shape? of Florida. I thought it would have been a great opportunity to make a joke about Katie’s “Grand Canyon”, but I guess that shows you what I know about heterosexual foreplay.



Next, “as a bonding experience”, the guys have to wax each other, and we’re treated to an albeit hilarious scene of Tre having the hairs ripped from his buns. The final challenge has the men eating two Habanero hot chili peppers while proposing to Katie. It was the ultimate test of what a stupid guy would do for love, but really more of the ultimate test of what the crappy hotel had on hand.


On the evening part of the group date, the guys are extremely positive and determined to have a great night, but of course we all know that ain’t gonna happen. Camera hog Tre presents Katie with two tacos as she says, “Cheers to foodies!”, making it painfully clear that neither one of them knows what a foodie is. Tre then spends most of his precious time with Katie ragging on Thomas as Katie, being the messy bitch that this is says "Tells me more!". SO Tre then drops the bomb, informing her of Thomas's original intention of becoming the next Bachelor.  Two other men do the proverbial “cutting in” and it occurs to me that I have no idea who they are. Greg gets his turn and Katie tells him that she’s already starting to fall for him, which means nothing because she’s telling each one of them the same thing.


Tre rejoins the guys and repeats his conversation with Katie, informing them that "she appreciated it".   But Andrew is skeptical and accuses Tre of ruining the evening for the rest of them.



The next day, in a painfully set up scene, Katie sits down with Tayshia who informs her that she has a “mystery man” who really likes her wants another shot at fame.  Katie then goes to meet said mystery man who turns out to be Blake (the Jax Taylor lookalike from Tayshia’s season) who also just happens to be the same dude who she has been DM-ing with. Blake wants us to believe that he is VERY attracted to Katie and even though he’s already bagged two other Bachelorettes, he’s there for the right reasons. Also, "if it doesn’t work out, he’ll look like an idiot" (just what every girl wants to hear). She tells him that while she is intrigued, she worries that bringing on yet another fame ho might piss off the other guys, so she’ll get back to him.



It’s the night of the cocktail party (and rose ceremony) for ALL the guys and Katie is still torn about Thomas, even though hostesses Tayshia and Kaitlyn clearly loath him. Thomas knows he’s in deep shit, so as a last ditch effort, he marches over to Katie’s hotel room.  Thomas presents Katie with a lot of psychobabble and tells her that he's being "monster-tized", but Katie is not having it. She just stares at him and then as if remembering that it’s the “age of the woman”, she basically tells him to STFU while SHE does the talking.



It’s after midnight and Thomas arrives to the cocktail party, where all the guys are sitting around just staring at each other ... and now glaring at him. A few of the guys were able to get a little interview time with Katie, including widower Mike A (the gay dad, not to be confused with Virgin Mike). Mke is as giddy as a school girl because Katie told him that she’s “falling for him”, completely unaware that she’s said to at least 10 others.



It’s finally time for the rose ceremony.  Once again, all the guys are left alone to get together and Hunter worries that Thomas is once again "domineering" the conversation.  Katie finally arrives (late as usual) clunking in in a sequined gown that looks like it weighs 30 lbs. She wastes no time telling the group that Thomas says he feel ostracized by the house, which causes everyone to lose their goddamn minds. Meanwhile, Thomas has wondered off to some quite room to think of his next move while googling “perfect apology for a big group of dudes who hate you”. Just as Katie is about to start handing out the roses, Thomas returns and says he would like to openly acknowledge and apologize for his behavior. On with the ceremony. Hunter, Greg, both Mikes, Andrew, pouty Aaron, James, Josh, and Quartney (with a Q) all get roses, and then Katie picks up the final rose and asks Thomas to approach her. She takes a step back, looks up at the six foot 6 inch tall hapless hunk and says “Your audition for the Bachelor ends here, so get out!”.


Drunk on power, she then heads to Blake’s room. A naked sleeping Blake answers the door and Katie gives him the good news that his SM following is about to quadruple.