Vanderpump Rules Season 9 Premier; They’re Back Baby

Although Vanderpump Rules feels like ancient history, it has actually only been a little over a year since season 8 wrapped, but a lot sure has changed. As most everyone knows by now, Jax Taylor and his “faith”ful wife Brittany (sorry Brit), along with Stassi and her literal Beau, and Kristin and (I presume) her creepy hanger-on, Brian Carter, were all fired from the show back in 2020 during Bravo’s phony “wokeness” f~~or any and everything black~~. Other's got the boot as well, but In my mind, fired lifeless dip shits like Brett, Max, and Dana don’t really count anyway.

Having barely dodged CC bullets themselves, the Todds are out to prove that they too are woke. So front and center (at least in the cast photo), we have black Richardson Chery (with only one “r”), the new ~~Uncle~~ Tom Tom manager, and black Mia, who is pretty and light skinned enough to be Lisa’s new SUR hostess.

At least so far, the show doesn’t seem THAT different, although the two Toms, and new moms Lala and Sheena are obviously the new anchors of whom practically every story line will revolve around. I can’t help but think how delightful it would have been seeing them interacting with real life friends, Brittany, Stassi, and their new babies. It would SURve Bravo right if the phony wokeness backfired on them, and the ratings for this new season of VPR plummeted lower than those of Vanderpump Dogs.

Also on hand is “White Kanye” James Kennedy and his ditzy girlfriend, Raquel, who are obviously taking over the roles of Jax and Brittany. “Rounding” out the cast (and I mean that literally) is Tom 2’s beard, and still the meanest bitch on TV, Katie Maloney, and closet lesbian Ariana Madix. If the preview trailer for the season is any indication, it appears that LVP will continue interjecting herself into the personal lives of the help throughout the season as well. Forget the fact, that she obviously hasn’t even spoken to these people since last season wrapped. Oh wait, Lala did appear on the disastrous Overserved with Lisa Vanderpump.

As some may know, I grew tired of this one very early on and it doesn’t appear that this season is going to change that. God knows VPR has always been very producer-driven, but now I’m thinking that it is entirely scripted (and acted). Case in point; in the opening scene, the two Toms arrive at Tom Tom on their wimpy motorcycle and sidecar wearing matching sweaters that look like they just shot a gay version of an Irish Spring soap commercial. As they dust off the bar and remove the non-existent cobwebs post-plannedemic, they fret over how they are going to tell the Todds about the bar that they are opening without them. But just as they sit down with Lisa and Ken, Lisa says, “I hear you’re opening a place on your own.”. They already know … imagine that! Perhaps even more shocking is they support them 100 percent! And scene.

Meanwhile, Lisa learns from Raquel that James is two years “sober”, but adds that he's "California sober"; meaning he smokes weed on a daily basis. To Lisa’s credit, she questions if trading in weed for vodka constitutes “sobriety”. I can guarantee AA would not … addiction is addiction. Right on cue, James meets up with Lisa, and she drills him on some stupid fight that James is having with her son Maux. The entire scene is ridiculous and I’m already remembering why I quit this show. What’s more, I’ve come to the conclusion that LVP is actually the problem. Her meddling is as annoying as her all around bitch boss persona is off putting. Like why would Lisa care if the stoned loser that she fired gets along with her 30 year old stoner son?

The episode picks up a bit when the story focuses on Lala and Sheena, who have been somewhat estranged because Sheena doesn’t feel like Lala was there for her during her miscarriage. Sheena is having a little birthday party for herself and decides to take the high ground (and production’s orders) by inviting Lala. They all get together in Tom 1’s backyard to celebrate Sheena’s birthday. At the party Lala is feuding with every single girl except for Quasi~~modo~~Katie.

First up is Lalas beef with Sheena, who says that when she had a miscarriage in Palm Springs, Lala wasn’t there for her and instead went out to dinner with Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly. But it all ends well and they kiss and make up.

Next up is Lala's fight with Ariana. It seems that when Lala was doing her press tour for her (ghostwriter’s) book, Lala went on a podcast and said that she doesn’t care about Ariana and Ariana doesn’t care about her. They get in a screaming match about this at the party, but with no kissing and making up resolve. Instead, Lala storms out and leaves this to fester for what I assume will be the rest of the season.

Raquel comes to comfort Lala, and says to her, “Well, I just wanted to know where we stood.” Lala says that she really likes her and they’re fine. Then Raquel oddly says “For the longest time, I needed your approval, but I don’t anymore”. Lala is clearly confused, but she takes Raquel’s cute little attempt as passive/aggression in stride and let’s it slide.

Meanwhile, Katie and Sandaval are having a heated argument about what to name the new bar. Tom wants to call it Schwartz & Sandy’s, which might be fitting for a bar located in the brewery district of Milwaukee, but I’m not sure how that name is going to play in a town where the predominently male patronage is ordering “Shirley Temples”, “Hole in Ones”, and “Rim Jobs”. Considering these guys are hanging with a group who names their babies Ocean and Summer Moon Honey, I think we got off easy with Schwartz and Sandy’s.