Oh Bottle, Where Aren't Thou?

 

In my first recap of the season, I said what I really like about the RHUGT series is that it we see the women out of their natural habitats, but wasn't really getting that this season. Well I'm taking it all back. I was happy to see Leah get fired from RHONY, but now I want her back. I have always hated Gizzelle and Porsha, but now I'm even spelling their name's correctly. I'm even warming up to Candiace. What is even happening here? Someone shoot me before I start campaigning for Alzheimer's Joe.

 

Poor sweet Pepsi organizes some Muay Thai boxing for all the ladies, but only Heather, Whitney, and Leah attend (while Gizelle looks on from the pool). Then he organizes a trip to a local lunch spot, where they yell and scream at one another in public, scaring away all business except for some nosy Canadian tourists. As they’re screaming, Pepsi disassociates himself in the corner, trying to find a way not to go all Heather Dubrow on their asses. I also feel awful for Leah. There is nothing worse than getting sick on vacation, that is is you consider "period runs" getting sick.  This may confuse many a liberally indoctrinated children, but as the owner of a penis, I’ve never had a period, at least nothing that can be biologically proven, so I can only imagine that a visit from Aunt  gender non--specific Flo every month it is not fun. Hell, give me a period sinus headache, a period paper cut, or a period stubbed toe, and I'd be laid up until next month’s period comes along. But period poops? Get me on the first plane back to my house, where I can crap and bleed all over myself in peace!

 

The big fight of the episode of the episode occurs when Gizelle see that she's missing a bottle of Clase Azul tequila. Like Gizelle, I am a very picky drinker and eater, and if I lugged something all the way to Thailand that I just HAD to have, and it turned up missing, oh there would be hell to pay. However, unlike Gizelle, my first inclination would not be that someone “stole it" ... I would assume I misplaced it, or someone accidentally took it. I would have gone up to every person in the house and said, “I know it’s crazy, but that is the only thing I drink. Do you know where it went?” Porsha shouts, “Not Pepsi with the tea!” So at lunch, Gizelle decides she’s going to launch a huge investigation into who has the bottle, and we all know that Gizzy ain't doing anything nice when she can do things the dramatic way. Not that I'm complaining; in fact, I'm thanking Gizzy for her service.

 

After a stop-off at the offerings store where Marysol buys a Costco-like amount of incense for the temple they’re visiting the next day, they head off to a boutique where sweaty, poopy, period-y Leah passes out and is taken into a van for medical treatment to recuperate in some air-conditioning. While I don't necessarily think she's faking it, I can't help but to believe that Leah is taking a page out of the Vicki Gunvalson medical crises-while-on-vacation playbook. Vacationing with someone like that has to be annoying (just ask Tamra Judge).

 

At lunch, sans Leah, Gizelle starts her investigation into the bottle disappearance by asking the women if she can search their rooms. Everyone is fine with it except for Candiace who questions what Gizelle has to offer anyone, besides "long necks stove pipe legs"?  So she, and presumably an absent Leah, are now the main suspects. How funny that the only people who Gizelle suspects are the two that she hates the most.  Marysol suggests to Gizelle that she have housekeeping search the rooms since they are in there cleaning anyway.

 

As that fight is played out, Candiace starts another one by asking Porsha why she posted a picture of the entire cast, and tagged everyone except herself and Leah. Porsha starts with "I don't like her (meaning Leah) ... she's not my vibe", then follows up with, “I don’t have to explain my Instagram to you.” I am reminded again why I don't like Porsha. On the bus ride over, Candiace and Leah were right; passive-aggressive shade is the worst. It reminds me of the time Yolanda Foster put little hearts on everyone's dinner place card except Kyle's.  If Porsha didn’t tag them for a reason, say it.  Instead of gettin' all uppity when you're busted, just be mean to a bitch's face.  But eventually, Porsha owns her shit.  Sorry Leah.

 

However, the fight then takes a nasty turn when Candiace accuses Porsha of cyber bullying. Do I think what Porsha did was cyberbullying?  Cyber bullying is a bit of a stretch, but it’s undoubtedly a pile-on, and it’s certainly mean girl behavior. This starts a conversation within the group how social media is the hardest part of being a Real Fake Housewife.  Porsha then seizes the opportunity to remind everyone that she has the most followers by pulling up her account, inadvertently pointing out that  posting a cast picture had to be approved by producers, and tags everyone but Candiace and Leah.  Candiace feels like this indeed proves her her accusations. While I don't necessarily agree with the term "cyberbullying", it does kind of suggest that Porsha was indeed the ringleader in targeting and harrassing she and Leah before filming even began. 

 

Like bullies often do, Porsha then starts taunting Candiace.  “Are you hurt? Are you hurt?” she yells at her, and then likens Candiace to her small daughter by saying she needs Pedialyte.  Candiace then starts "yelling over everyone", which annoys Porsha. Um, first of all; pot meet kettle, but aside from that, housewives are paid very handsomrly to "yell over each other". As Candiace points out, everyone at that table has yelled over someone at some time, including the resident Mormons, who are the nicest people on this planet. Porsha asks Candiace why every time they talk, they go from one to 1,000. I can answer that: Porsha has had it out for Candiace from the moment the cameras went up, but is pretending she hasn’t.

 

When they return to the house, Clase Azul-Gate continues as Gizelle wants everyone’s rooms searched ... well really,  just Candiace's room. She then involves poor hapless Pepsi and even one of the producers named West.  She then goes to Candiace’s room herself and proceeds to tear through her drawers until she finds her GD $200 dollar bottle of  tequila.

 

While I certainly appreciate Gizelle's hysterics, how is she so sure Candiace is the culprit?  stole it?  She has no evidence (at least none that we know of), but then demands that the producers tear  through Candiace’s suitcase. She doesn’t want someone just scanning the room; she says she wants someone "invested" (in acknowledging that a crime has occurred).  I'm not siding with Gizelle, but if you have nothing to hide, why not let her in?  But on the other hand, if I say I don’t have your your DG bottle of tequila, then I don’t have it!  Why would I take it, and why would I lie? 

 

Of course this has nothing to do with an allegedly missing bottle of tequila.  What's really going on here are two housewives screaming at each other over something that happened on their season.  The episode concludes with Pepsi doing a confessional, and rubbing his bald while proclaiming, “I don’t like them having rude conversations.”