We're In Thailand Bitches!

 

I’m slightly, actually very conflicted about this new season of RHUGT.  There's good, and there's (a lot of) bad.  What I like most about the concept is that we get to watch these women outside their natural habitats, interacting with other "housewives" from the series.  This usually leads to some revelation about who these women are. For example, take Kenya Moore in the first season of the show. When she was with people who weren’t from Atlanta, she didn’t have to play the villain anymore, and we got a nicer, better, more fun Kenya. Yeah, she cussed out Ramona, but let's be honest; Mona had it coming.

 

But that’s not happening here; not only do they have women from the same cast, but women with current beefs from the same show, now sharing a gorgeous house on the other side of the world.  Despite Candyass proclaiming that they will NOT be bringing their crap to Thailand, and Shrek proclaiming "She's good (with Witless), we get a rehash of their respective fights from their past seasons ... but with a new peanut gallery weighing in. Well,  all except for a nauseous Marysol who is too busy complaining about being sober and figuring out ways to deal with her alcohol-induced ulcer.

 

Right out of the gate, there are lots of fights and lots of drama, but they’re the same fights and the same drama.  I never want to talk about Heather Gay’s black eye again, and never cared about Gizelle's desperate need for a story line in the first place.  Also, what makes no sense is that this was filmed after their respective seasons but before any of it aired, so I guess we are to assume either these bitches are psychic, or were shown the seasons(s) in advance.  Then we have Leah who is completely out of the loop with RHOP and RHOSLC. 

 

Speaking of Leah, she and Candyass become fast friends, if for no other reason that their less than superior rooms are adjoining.  Po'Shit and Jizzelle make way more sense and are quite the tag team, and Marysol and Alexia obviously have a genuine connection.  So far, neither Latina appears to be very interested in getting to know any of the other women, let alone bonding with them.  However, these two are already especially close with Pepsi, the house butler who reminds me of an Asian Leslie Jordan.  It will be interesting to see how he deals with all of these  women's gripes, commands, and demands.  The word “no” does not exist in this villa, but already that is tested when Candyass and Po'Shit request some KFC. Within the hour, Pepsi is delivering drumsticks and wings with sides and biscuits. 

 

But I'm getting ahead of myself here. The first episode begins with everyone arriving separately in Phuket Island (pronounced Foo Kay), unless you are from Potomac or Atlanta and insist on pronouncing it "Fuck It". Whitney has been dropped off in a different town and has an hour-long hike up a hill just to get to "Villa Aye", a magnificent 27,000 sq. ft., 8 bedroom spread that not a one of these women would be able to afford, well maybe except for Alexia.

 

As soon as Heather arrives, they want to grill her about Jen Shah. Ugh, more old drama. Of course, it’s Gizelle asking all the questions. On every Housewives trip, there needs to be a good balance between fun and drama. So far, this trip has been too heavy on drama and not enough on the fun. I blame Gizelle, mainly because I never could stand her (oops, didn't mean for that to slip out).  Anyway, Gizelle dives into the Jen Shah of it all, reigniting the Heather and Leah situation after it has already cooled, then flat out asks Whitney if she’s mad that Heather is more faithful to Jen than her, then calls out Marysol and Alexia repeatedly for speaking Spanish (actually I"m kind of with her on that one), and then starts a whole game called “Impression Session” ... as Candyass would say; "just to be messy".

 

I guess I got ahead of myself.  The skirmish between Heather and Leah started when they first arrived, Heather told Leah she is proud of her sobriety and wants to help her. Then, sitting with Gizelle and Porsha, she says, “Let’s get Leah drunk.” Gizelle then rats her out, and Leah gets offended, especially because Heather already said the first thing. When Whitney finds out about this, she says that Heather will later pretend she doesn’t remember saying it, which is exactly what happens. That Whitney had this whole pattern of behavior absolutely clocked is fascinating.

 

So immediately, we see where this third installment of the RHUGT series is going.  Again, it's probably too early to say, but what I enjoyed about the Berkenshires was that the drama at least seemed genuine, and the tension felt palpable for the viewers.  Of course it helped that season 2 had a cast of seasoned pros.  This one seems canned and scripted like most of the HW franchises these days. 

 

Whitney is talking about how Cousin Shrek behaves and how she just wants to chase Porsha because she has a cazillion SM followers (albeit, most likely paid for), and while I see what Whitney is talking about, I don’t think what Heather is doing is even all that sinister or calculated; I think she just wants everyone to like her.  Even at the elephant sanctuary (apparently a MUST INCLUDE scene in all HW trips to Thailand), all of the women throw mud and/or poop or at each other, and Heather pretends she doesn’t know what is going on because she doesn’t want to upset PETA. Then, when Leah is talking about her fear of going on several dates with a guy only to find out he has a micropenis, Heather says that there are plenty of tiny-dicked guys out there who can get the job done.  Sure Shrek, whatever you say.  The thing is, it's doubtful that there is a man who exists, who is willing to say,  “I have a micropenis, and I’m offended!"

 

Of course, one of the best things about the RHUGT series is that the women can break that fourth wall.  We get Porsha declaring that she never stole another bitch's man, although leaves out the part that said man has afforded her the lucry of walking away from RHOA (whom she says she's grateful to for making her "really famous".  We get Heather and Whitney finally talking about the real reason behind their tension; that is Heather only wants to do what is going to make her more famous, and Heather thinks that Whitney is more interested in having moments on the show than being faithful to her.  We see Leah talking about how awful her last season of the show was and how no one told her she could leave Ramona’s house to be with her grandmother, although I'm guessing she was probably too drunk to remember).  Leah also tells us she has no idea what is happening with RHONY as the other women tell her to "just move on girl".  

 

The thing I didn’t enjoy about this first episode was the boat trip. As Porsha and the editors point out, a group of Housewives should never go on a boat trip. Everyone is in danger. I appreciated that we got round after round of fighting between Leah and Porsha, Porsha and Candiace, Whitney and Heather, and Gizelle and everyone ... but this much tension (this soon) is too much, and comes off as VERY SCRIPTED.