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The Ultimate Thirst
As the sun rises over the Berkshires, a ginormous hot air balloon (Royal Blue of course) hovers over Blue Stone Manor. Jill is upset because the night before, a slurry, sloppy, drunk Dorinda called Jill out on putting the bite on Eva to appear on her morning radio show. BTW, can we settle this once and for all? Eva does not have her own show; she does a segment on Ricky Smiley's radio show. But anyway, Dorinda thought Jill was being thirsty and tacky, which is probably true, but Jill is more upset with Dorinda's tone than the message itself, which has always been Dorinda’s problem. Sure, Jill should have backed off and taken no for an answer, but Dorinda didn’t have to go after her so aggressively.
Before breakfast, Jill is rehashing the drama with the other ladies, and Dorinda walks in and tells Jill not to stop on her account (don't you hate it when that happens?). Jill says she wants to have a conversation with Dorinda, but perhaps later on, and privately. But Dorinda says "Let's just do it now.". I loved how Jill starts the conversation by asking Dorinda if she remembers last night. Dorinda assure Jill that she does. Jill tells Dorinda that she didn't have to be so mean. Of course Dorinda denies being mean, adding that she doesn’t have this problem with anyone else in her life. Huh? I would bet the farm that Dorinda has this problem with EVERYONE in her life ... including every guests in this house! It's not exactly hard to imagine her hapless housekeeper, Len, telling Dorinda, “You think this $25 Olive Garden gift card you gave me for Christmas is supposed to make up for all the abuse I take from you the other 364 days a year?". Even when Dorinda finds out she hurt Jill’s feelings, she doesn't apologize ... she just double downs and makes fun of Jill for crying.
LIke most fights in the fake world of the real housewives, Jill and Dorinda's fight is really more about something much bigger. Jill is mad at Dorinda because she wouldn’t return the favor by filming with her (as a “friend of”), and Dorinda thinks that she deserves a Nobel Peace Prize, simply for attending Bobby's funeral. I never really bought Jill and Dorinda's "friendship" in the first place because for me, the RHONY friendships in particular have always seemed more strategic than authentic. So to quote Slurinda herself, I don't really have any skin in this game. The hot air balloon pilot announces that he's ready for his passengers, so the argument will have to wait.
Dorinda, Phaedra, and Tamra are the guinea pigs to go up first, and Vicki, Jill, and Taylor go up after them. Eva uses the radio show as an excuse not to take the flight, and Brandi flat out says she's not ready die yet, and besides that, her kids need her. I was stupid enough to climb into a hot air balloon basket just once, and that along with parasailing 600 ft. above the Florida Keys, remains two of the most terrifying incidents of my entire life. In fact, my hands are getting sweaty just keying these words. Fun fact: There are approximately 3000 hot air balloon accidents, per year (globally), so hot air ballooning is a hard pass for me ... j/s.
Once again, the ladies head into Great Barrington, this time for a wine tasting and lunch. At the table, Brandi randomly asks Phaedra when was the last time she was in love. Phaedra reveals that she's in love right now, but won't share the deets because dating is difficult when you're a "housewife". Phaedra says that you never know if your suiters are in it for them, or are they in it for the fame, money, and in her case, the big booty.
Jill then chimes in and asks Brandi if she would be down with her setting her up. Brandi figures why not and graciously accepts Jill's proposal, adding that 86 yr. olds are not fucking like rabbits anway, and besides that, she's going to need someone to push her around in a wheelchair; however, in Brandi's case, it's more like pushing her down the stairs in a wheelchair. That's our Brandi, always a class act. Vicki tells the group that all the high school sweethearts who she went to school with are still married, and then a clueless Dorinda asks if that's an "OC thing". Vicki snaps back, "No, it's midwest thing ... I'm from Chicago". Suddenly Tamra blurts out that she thinks Vicki is still in love with Brooks. I was like huh? Where the hell did that come from? Then Phaedra who clearly never watched RHOC, asks if Brooks was attractive, Brandi blurts out "No!". Oddly enough, Vicki doesn't even deny it, and then the conversation turns to "Girth Brooks", and I'll leave it at that.
The ladies return to BSM and gather around the pool. Marco delivers some beautiful red roses to Jill, and she sarcastically inquires if they are from Dorinda, but of course they are from her boyfriend, Gary. Eva then naively asks Jill if she wants back on RHONY, she says yes, but only in a "friend of" role, because friends are never the "targets" whom the cast piles up on. Sure Jan Jill.
That evening, the women all head into Stockbridge, to have dinner at the Red Lion Inn, where Dorinda worked as a waitress from the age of 14 thru 24. As everyone knows, I've been referring to Dorinda as a hash slinger for years, but always imagined it would be at some roadside truck stop in upper state New York, so at least I got halfway right! While waiting for their table, Brandi strikes again, and out of nowhere asks Vicki about a menage a trois' that Laurie Peterson accused her of during Vicki's last year on the show. The scene falls flat, leaving me to question the producer's timing again, because they sure do pick the most inoppportune times to coach these women. Brandi was obviously hoping for a re-enactment of Vicki's infamous meltdown on the ski slopes when she screamed "I have not had sex with multiple partners!", but instead Vicki just calmly says, "That was a lie".
At dinner, Vicki announces that she's finally ready to whoop it up on what she apparently thought was their final night; that is until Dorinda informs Vicki that they still have a few more days remaining. Vicki unapologetically admits that she's counting down the minutes looking forward to seeing her grandkids, which annoys Eva, who then asks Vicki point blank, "Do you want to be here Vicki?". As Vicki squirms and searches for the proper answer, Dorinda unloads on her and tells her that she's been a Debbie Downer and sour pus since she arrived, then goes in for the kill and asks her why she "signed up for this show". Caught completely off guard, Vicki drudges up the same excuses that she's been using since she arrived; that she was just dumped, and is still recovering from Covid. Slurinda then reminds Vicki, "You didn't go to Urgent Care because of a gunshot wound; you went there for a Cortizone shot". This is the thing about Slurinda (you'll notice I call her that when she annoys me); there never really is any true resolution with her, because she's the type that will always bring up a previous fight. Psychology 101 teaches us that bringing up past arguments is always a fail, but apparently Slurinda never took the course. But Phaedra gives Vicki her due, pointing out that "she may not be exactly WHOOPIN' it up, but she is doing a little woo wooing". I gotta give Phaedra her props; because unlike some of the others, her time off from her show has served her very well.
Dorinda isn't done, and now it's Jill's turn. So she brings up the situation with Eva, telling Jill that she ruined a perfectly lovely evening by being such a thirsty bitch with Eva, and then becoming practically hysterical when Dorinda called her out on it. Brandi then chimes in, claiming that Dorinda came crashing into Phaedra's room the night before and started talking smack about Jill of pining for Gary just one day after Bobby's funeral. Dorinda accuses Jill of "making them" film Bobby's funeral, but Jill denies it, and it becomes a game of she said, she said, and he said ("he" meaning Andy Cohen). So again, shady production runs old reunion footage of Andy telling the ladies that Dorinda invited Bravo to film Bobby's funeral.
At the time, Jill wasn't there to defend herself, but now all these years later, she is seen talking to a producer, asking if the emails came from HER personally. The producer said "No, they were from your assistant", and Jill replies, "He wasn't my assistant, and didn't you think it was weird that I wasn't cc'd?". Dorinda then brings up a particular RHONY scene when Jill guested on the show. She sarcastically tells Jill, "I was working .... you remember working Jill?" ... and then like drunks do, repeats the sentence. Jill gets in a good zinger by telling Slurinda that what she remembers is her drinking heavily. Slurinda denies it, and then the shady producers roll the footage of her drinking. Slurinda then tries to play the consumate professional by reminding Jill that she was working on a show that Jill is no longer on, but again Jill outwits her and says, "Yes Dorinda, and maybe there is a reason you're not on the show anymore". Dorinda feebly attempts to correct Jill by reminding her that she's on "pause", to which Jill replies, "Really? I don't think so". This round definitely went to Jill.
Just as we're beginning to digest those nuggets, Taylor gets in on the action by bringing up the time that Brandi outted Adrienne Maloof for using a surrogate. Brandi defends her actions by telling Taylor that people with secrets should never do reality tv, and then adds that she and Adrienne have moved on. But Taylor wants a piece of Brandi's ass and reminds her that the "classy" women of season 1 all had each other's backs, and adds that they are the only reality TV show at that time to ever win a Critics Choice Award. Brandi does a boistrous fake laugh and Taylor then warns her, "If I jump over this table, it's not going to be cute", and another Taylor meme is born. Taylor tells Brandi that the RHOBH season 1 girls did not appreciate Brandi telling the world that the show wasn't successful until SHE came along in season 2. So typical Brandi then asks Taylor "But were YOU successful, because your husband (((BEEEP)))!". We can only assume they beeped "hung himself".
Well now the entire table is disgusted with Brandi, so she walks away from the table to gather herself (which Phaedra calls "progress"). Eva and Phaedra get Brandi to come back, but Dorinda then begins to reprimand Brandi, telling her that "death" is off limits. Unfortunately, she then crosses the line and asks Brandi how she would feel if someone talked about one of her sons dying. It takes a few seconds for Brandi to process what Slurinda just said, but when she does, she loses it for a second time, and storms away from the table (again). I was hoping one of the women would have done a Jackie (RHONJ) and screamed to Brandi, "It was an analogy you dumb bitch!". Oh well, maybe on the next episode.
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