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Tantric Tantrums

 

 

As the episode begins, Gizzy is still in a tizzy about her missing bottle of tequila, and then has the nerve to say, “I don’t want to fuss and fight.” You don’t? Then why did you create a huge fuss and a giant fight over a bottle of tequila when you could have just asked everyone where it was?  My theory is they just don't remember finishing it off.

 

Pepsi (along with us) has had enough with the whole group.  He solemnly tells the women, “I don’t know what is real and what is fake”.  Yes Pepsi, welcome to our world.  But on the other hand, it’s their vacation, and if they’re at the house and want to get into it with one another, what business is that of Pepsi’s?  Gizelle says, “Pepsi can’t handle us. We need a Coke or a Sprite.”

 

That night for dinner, Marysol has someone teach them all how to make “cockies,” a term that Marysol insists on using to ad nauseam. Things are a rather boring until they’re at dinner and Gizelle tells Leah, in front of the group, that she should ask Porsha why she hates her. This kicks off a conversation in which the two of them basically say that they don’t like each other and don’t vibe together.

 

I get it; you put me in a room with seven other people, and I guarantee you I will not like three of them, and would probably hate at least one.  But Porsha has to get mean about it, and at the end of the conversation, she says she will change Leah’s name from “Poor Leah” to “Leah, Bye.”  Then Leah says, “Porsha, bye.”, and then Porsha says, “Leah, bye.”

 

Then in a confessional, Porsha says that Leah was trying to get her “Housewives’ energy” going back and forth.   Um, no, she didn’t. As soon as Gizelle brought it up, Leah was very calm, measured, and not insulting in her words or tone. It was Porsha with her “Leah, bye” that made it full of "Housewives’ energy".   Then adding insult to injury, Porsha accuses Leah of trying to fight with her so that she could get more attention and camera time.  Whitney then tells Leah that she complains a lot.

 

As the women talk about who they have had good and bad experiences with, Heather turns on Gizelle and says the things she has been saying behind Gizelle’s back for days ... that Gizelle was closed off from getting to know her, and that Heather didn’t like it when Gizelle said she couldn’t trust a word out of her mouth. She even reused her joke from the bus about wanting to "Teresa Giudice the table" when Gizelle said that. Whitney tells us that this is the Heather she loves; the person who is not afraid to stand up to people and tell them exactly what she thinks. The two end up crying together in the rain and then jump in the pool.  The rest of the episode is rather bland, and leaves me wondering if they haven't pretty much wrapped the season up. 

 

Leah gets up from breakfast and runs into her room, dry-heaving the whole way. It’s her day to host an activity, but they go to the temple without her while she heads to the emergency room for more fluids to fight her dehydration. I guess you could say that Leah is so thirsty it made her sick.  Anyway, all the girls think Leah is maybe being a bit dramatic, and Porsha says she’s giving out energy to bring everyone together. Really?  I thought she was just cussing people out and eating KFC for lunch.

 

 

The temple is very gold, ornate, and just downright tacky like most of Thailand. Pepsi instructs them all come up with some kind of wish or blessing for three masked Hairy Chrishna-looking dudes who sit there staring at these crazy Westerners like they are aliens from another planet.  Each of the women completely disregard their own ingrained Catholic, Mormon, and Southern Babtist beliefs (not to mention Exodus 22:20) and then proceed to bow and pray to these holy men as if they are true believers in these false Gods.  They then completely seal their fates by having their fortunes told.  

 

Pepsi translates and tells Marysol that her business will be good and her family will be happy. He tells Heather that she is blessed to have children, but two of them receive bad fortunes, Porsha and Gizelle. A coincidence?  I think not. He tells Gizelle that she will find a man who is always broke, and tells Porsha that she will have a problem with lesbians. This intrigues me; is Porsha going to return to RHOA and go another round with Kandi?  Is she going to hook up with Sanya Richards Ross? 

 

That night, Whitney has a Tantric dinner with an Irish chef named Jamie, and all of the women decide he has a long, skinny penis.  Gizelle Bryant, who says if she can’t hold on with two hands, she’s throwing that fish back in the sea. Heather is the opposite, and downright terrified of big D's.  In fact, she still suffers PTSD over seeing her ex's erect member in the bathroom, realizing it would soon be "impaling her".  Funny, I used to know a lesbian who used the same language when describing intercourse.

 

Speaking of intercourse, Whitney talks about her husband losing his job as a result of doing that cringey naked painting thing with her on camera a few seasons ago.  She said she wanted to quit the show right then, but Justin said, “Do I take away my wife’s power and tell her no, or do I risk it and let my wife be her?”  Spoiler alert:  He let her be herself, and and then got his ass fired. Whitney shows her gratitude by announcing that she made more money last year than her limp-dicked hubby. The episode ends with Whitney doing a pole dance; getting really baked with her new BFF, Candiace; then eating KFC mash potatoes on a pool floatie. I don’t know what your best life looks like, but mine resembles Whitney’s. Now if only she could share some of her joy with Porsha and Gizelle, because something tell me that they could use it.