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Dangerous Games

 

It’s day four in Thailand, and against all odds, gay house manboy, Pepsi's, spirits are high.  The same can’t be said for the women, who are already exhausted by the drama they’ve endured over the past three days. CandyAss accurately compares the Housewives series to soap operas, prompting a very funny “Days of our Wives” opening credit sequence courtesy of the clever editors.

 

Witless Rose calls a RHOSLC cast member to rehash the neverending Salt Lake drama, and like the stoned voice that is heard when ordering in a Taco Bell drive-thru, we suddenly hear the calming voice of Fran Drescher Lisa Barlow, a shining light in this tired feud.  Lisa is always on her A-game, even in the off-season. Calling into a show that you are not on just to talk shit about your castmate on their other show is what housewife legends are made of.

 

According to the new and improved Whitney, the feud with cousin Shrek is because she no longer feels indebted to her for recommending her for the show and in her journey of self-healing, is breaking free from such unhealthy blind loyalty.  Although they aren't allowed to ever discuss it,  I think if the real truth be told, this is actually something that is always at play on the Housewives; that is who got  who on the show.  Never mind the fact that whoever a HW allegedly "brings on" ultimately becomes their worst enemy.  Paging Lisa Rinna.

 

In case I haven't mentioned it, season 3 of RHUGT continues the tradition of each HW taking their turn at organizing some kind of activity, and it's huzbin' stealer Po'Shit's turn.  After requesting another order of KFC (original recipe) for breakfast, she leads the ladies in a day of activities that she definitely planned herself. First up, a group massage.  Like is there anything more entertaining than eight women moaning in ecstacy together like Meg Ryan in that famous restaurant scene in When Harry Met Sally?

 

But relaxing is not something green-eyed monster Jizzelle Bryant knows how to do; at least when the cameras are rolling ... the gift of Jizzelle's disingenuous curiosity about other people’s business is a gift that keeps on giving. Athough she  very annoying to many, it is a skill that thrives in this (Ultimate Girls Trip) setting.  She’s always ready to dig; take for example, when she sits down next to Shrek and casually suggests, “Let’s check in with Jen Shah!” 

 

We already got Lisa Barlow on the line, so why not some of the other cast?  Even though Heather says she hasn’t spoken to Shahshanked since she pled guilty, what better time to finally catch up ... and for a minute, I actually thought there was a chance that Jen would answer the call. But then I remembered that there are no cellphones, not even in Camp Cupcake where Jen is being housed for the next five-ish years.

 

So it’s off to lunch we go, and this barbecue turns out to be the perfect place for Candiace to finally bring up the grudge she’s apparently had against Porsha for the entire trip.  It turns out Po'Shit defended Mo'nique on the now defunct Bravo’s Chatroom when discussing Candace' iconic ass-beating. In true Candiace drama queen fashion, she makes it past those ridiculous tarantulas on her eyelids and begins dabbing her tear ducts with a carefully folded triangular tip of a napkin, which BTW is as bulky as a freaking pillowcase.  I'm thinking said napkin is probably the list she keeps of every bitch who ever took Mo'Nique’s side in that infamous barn brawl.

 

However, when we do finally see the actual clip from Chatroom, it hardly seems worth the time it took for Candace to fold up her prop.  Porsha simply repeats Mo'Nique’s claims, and the co-hosts jump to Candace’s defense.  A sloshed Marysol dismisses Porsha's comments as a "fluff opinion show", but of course that doesn’t stop the argument from continuing.

 

When we get into the nitty gritty of what hearsay means, Candace touts her journalism degree, and then Porsha tries to trump her by citing that she actually had a real journalism job. Lest we forget Porsha’s famous words at the RHOA’s reunions which I believe is the one where she was channeling Elvis ...“I work for Dish Nation. I am in the world of journalism.” 

 

It's onto a competiion that Porsha has set up for the women.  In what appears to be Bravo’s Peacock’s answer to Battle of the Network Stars, these games are titled “Fight of the Franchises” as we see the ladies paired off against each other.  I get the RHUGT series needs structure, but what happened to the illusion of reality?  Like in what alternative universe would these women take it upon themselves to play a game of volleyball while riding inflatable elephants, let alone force-feed each other plates of food?  If that isn't ridiculous enough, they then play truth or dare, and if they don’t answer the question, they have to eat a scorpion.  Sure, why not.

 

While it initially seems like everyone will just answer their question, Leah is our first scorpion sampler, choosing to chow down rather than say who she thinks shouldn’t be asked back for RHONY: Legacy. “I don’t wanna be negative,” she says.  We are reminded that this was obviously filmed before failed negotiations broke down any further talk about RHONY:  Legacy (thanks Jill).  Whitney also wusses out and refrains from listing three lies that Heather has told on camera.  Speaking of Shrek, rather than revealing who slugged her,  she opts for the scorpion. 

 

The game ends, and to Marysol and Alexia's dismay, Jizzelle announces that they have only 45 minutes of downtime before their next event. It suddenly occurs to me that watching the toll that this luxury vacation is taking on them might be the most entertaining part of this season.  They are particularly horrified that housekeeping hasn’t attended to (the squalor of) their room.

 

All the women manage to pull themselves together in time for Jizzelle’s Mardi Gras-themed dinner (Jizzy is from New Orleans, get it?).  Once again, Marysol and Alexia complain in Spanish, this time about Candiace burping at the dinner table. Mind you this is after they had promised Jizzelle that they would never talk shit in Sanglish  again.  Buy luckily for us, there are plenty of opportunities to talk shit in English too. 

 

As if we haven’t played enough games today, here comes Jizzelle with these damn paddles that she lugged all the way to Thailand for a game of “Reasonable or Shady”, which is of course the same name of she and Robyn's podcast. The questions target each of the ladies' past statements. 

 

First up is Alexia who pulls a Vicki who by taking credit for the franchises that came after Miami; however, if you want to get technical, all she ever said was, “We made history; we did a comeback after eight years. Like what are the chances of another franchise coming back after eight years?” This may be true, but she's leaving out that the Miami reboot airs on streaming where the viewership numbers are hard to track.  I don't believe anyone is watching, but it still rubs salt in the wounds of all the former HW's waiting for another shot. 

 

Somehow they get on the subject of Shrek's book again, “Bad Mormon”, and like a bad acid flashback, he have to hear Whitney and Heather arguing about who is "less Mormon".  We then have to endure even more of this hell when Whitney saunters into the confessional room to go after Heather once again. Although Whitney can’t take back eating that scorpion, she’s apparently changed her mind about exposing three of Heather’s lies. #1) She knows how she got her black eye. #2) She was never friends with Lisa Barlow, and #3) She hasn’t left the Mormon Church”.   Actually, there is #4 lie .... that we care about any of this.