(Fake) Choir of Chaos

 

 

This week, we pick up right where we left off, at the auditions for Heather’s fake choir, where Jen has just spotted demon out of nowhere Angie Harrington in “her dollar-store leotard outfit".  Jen feign shock over seeing her there and considers it a the face, especially since Shrek knows what agony and hurt her family has gone through with the Shahxposed Finsta(gram) that Angie’s husband "53 yr. old!" husband Chris, started. Nonetheless, the show must go on, and an array of swishy auditioners begin performing their renditions of completely nonsensical royalty-free songs.

 

 

Waiting for their turns to audition outside, the ladies are getting into it.  In a scene right out of Mob Wives, some Italian-looking chick named Angie K (clearly Jennie Nguyen's replacement) is telling Angie H that she doesn’t like the way she treated her friend (Lisa Barlow) regarding the fake Instagram account.  Whitney is hearing about this Shahxposed account for the first time.  In her matching shimmery gold fringed costume, Whitney says she feels really icky and silly right now.

 

Jen Shah then comes parading out with megaphone in hand to pump up the crowd of four people, just as Angie H. is denying having any role in the Shahxposed account.  Jen unloads, “Angie, you’re full of shit ... you know what your husband does!".

 

Seeing the drama play out, Heather’s assistant pulls her out of the auditions to join the fun. “Heather, do you know my husband to be a bad guy?” Angie asks her, to which she immediately says, “No,” and tries to tell Jen he’s taken accountability. Jen clarifies for Heather that the only reason Chris “owned” his mistake is because he got caught.  But Heather has back to business, and returns to her judges table.  On the verge of hysterics, Jen follows Heather in, but then storms into the ladie's room  sobbing. “This is becoming ridiculous,” Heather tells us, “Jen Shah is in a washing machine of turmoil because she’s been indicted on federal charges with a prison sentence looming, not because she’s getting trolled by Chris Harrington on Instagram.”

 

As the fake auditions continue, in walks Lisa Barlow, looking and sounding more like Fran Drescher than ever.  Lisa considers this as the first step in getting their friendship back on the right track, although I don't even really know what the hell they are fighting about.  But regardless, nothing says "I'm sorry" like a butchered and unrecognizable version of Away in a Manger.  This got me thinking; is RHOSLC is the first franchise in the series who hasn't cast a HW with pop star fantasies?  A Very Vida Mormon Christmas album by Lisa Barlow might not be far off.  Or better yet, how about a duet of Livin' La Mormon Vida Loca with Ricky Martin!

 

 

As Lisa finishes her audition, she hilariously feels like she nailed it, but also senses a weird tension in the room between all the other women. On one hand, we have Jen sobbing; and on the other, we have Angie H. and Whitney performing a choreographed routine to When the Saints Go Marching In.  Jen fills Lisa in on the drama she just missed and the rage she feels at Heather over it.  Her anger is understandable, as always with Jen, it's just too much.  Let us not forget that Shrek has completely stood by Jen, giving her a total free pass on defrauding the elderly out of their life's savings, and you can’t find a better friend than that.  But instead, she rages against Heather to Lisa, calling her materialistic and saying she’s only siding with Angie H. because she thinks her “Elf on the Shelf husband” will put her on a yacht.

 

After auditions, the women gather to clear the air or at least make some attempt to. Jen and Angie K are making progress with Angie H towards expressing some kind of apology, at which point Lisa jumps up to storm out. “You can’t just say, sorry but keep doing the same thing over and over” she tells Angie.  Angie then pulls an Uno “Reverse” card out of her magic top hat and brings up Lisa’s tweet of Heather’s father’s obituary (BTW, where was I when Shrek's dad died?).  Lisa says Heather was the one who used her father’s death to lie about her, so Lisa used her father’s death to tell the truth.

 

After Heather claims that Lisa has no friends left, Lisa decides to take an informal poll: “Who’s not my friend here? Raise your hand.” And we get two raised hands from Heather and Angie H. Heather and Lisa continue to go back and forth about the tweet, but they make no progress. “What the eff was that?” Angie mutters as she leaves the event, undoubtedly speaking for the 634,000 people watching this week. 

 

 

What we need after going through all this drama at a fake choir audition is sensual bubble bath, and lucky for us, Meredith delivers!  But unfortunately, Seth is in there, too. Meredith does love her bubble baths, and I think she should start doing all her confessionals from one.  But this one is  just the setting for Meredith to fill Seth in on this drama between Heather and Jen.  In between toe fucking Seth from under the suds, Meredith tells Seth that she feels bad for Shrek, and she knows what it because she knows what it like to be caught in between two of your friends fighting.

 

Lisa and John go out to dinner, where a waiter immediately recommends a Vida cocktail, informing Lisa that it’s been one of their best sellers.  In a confessional, LIsa says, “I don’t think this guy realizes that we own Vida Tequila ... ". and before I can even say it to myself, she add, " ... and no, he’s not on our payroll”.  I believe Lisa, because if he was hired, we’d see her mouthing along to the hapless waiter’s scripted lines.  The pair talk about the trouble Lisa’s sister is going through and having to find the balance between caring for her, but not taking on all of that emotional weight. Lisa has to make sure she’s taking care of herself first and says one thing that always helped her do that was her relationship with God, which she wants to pay more attention to.

 

Over at the Shah rental, Jen is telling her equally dirty husband, Coach Sheriff, all about the choir audition from hell and the surprise appearance of Angie Harrington.   Sheriff is the angriest we’ve ever seen him, and says to Jen, they don’t know which straw will break the camel’s back and "could make you do something you can’t come back from" (in other words, off herself).  Note to the coach; it's generally not a good idea to keep reminding a suicidal person that they're suicidal.    On top of that, Jen is still hurt about how Heather handled it, and even though Shrek sent Jen flowers the next day, she didn’t understand why she couldn’t have stood up for her in the moment.  I'm guessing Shrek is beginning to wisely distance herself from the soon-to-be incarcerated felon.

 

After a two-on-two basketball game with their sons, Lisa and Whitney spread out a blanket and catch up.  Over a box of Hot Tamales and diet Cokes, they chat about Justin's newfound Mr. Mom status which the newly liberated Whitney seems to be enjoying.  Of course the beef betweem Shrek and Lisa comes up as well.  Lisa maintains that she hasn’t done anything to warrant Heather's angst, and then references what she calls a “ridiculous” and “childish” poll, apparently forgetting that she was the one conducting the poll.  But of course the editors are quick to remind us with a flashback.  Whitney says she values her friendship with cousin Shrek, but is admittedly having a hard time "navigating this new, weird gray area with her".  See snowflake Psychobabble 101.

 

Whitney goes for a one-on-one chat at Heather’s house.  Shrek greets her warmly, but right off the bat, Whitney asks why Heather didn’t call her when Justin was fired.  A shocked Heather says she had no idea he was fired, and you can see there is a shift.  Heather is suddenly very aware of the cameras, and realizes that it's an ambush, and cousin Whitney is trying to make her look bad.   Heather says, “It crushes me that you would take this opportunity to make it look like I have been a bad friend to you and I have ignored you and not been there for you”. Heather tells her.  As with most fights, every other unresolved issue is then brought into light, as Heather brings up Whitney’s allegiance to Lisa and their fight over the obituary. 

 

 

Whitney feigns confusion over the whole matter and Heather then literally pushes Whitney out of her home and then storms off, but not without removing and tossing her mic across the room in a perfect re-creation of Lisa’s hot-mic toss from last season.  Basically, all roads lead to Lisa Barlow.