Bad Weather Betrayal

 

 

The episode begins with a screaming match in progress.  Shrek and her witless cousin are accusing each other of lying about who knew what about who was talking what Lisa Barlow's alleged slutty behavior.  Just so we're all up to speed, in a classic tit for tatt, Meredith started spreading rumors to Whitney that Lisa was peddling her wares to local vendors all over SLC, and we ain't talking just her Vida Tequila.

 

 

Shrek says that being called a liar is a serious accusation, even though it's over something really stupid.  Shrek begins her tyrade, "I don't care who Lisa has fcked.  I don't care who Meredith has fcked.  I don't care who you have fcked.  I don't care who Jen has fcked ... all I care about is supporting our friend here (Jen) who is looking at 50 years in prison!". Totally trashed, Whitney then gets up from her chair and starts getting in Heather's face, but Shrek just flings Whitney off of her and right into windows.  Luckily for Whitney, the cheap blinds stopped her from going through the glass.  Heather screams, “You lost me forever!”, and then trounces off.  But as we all know, “forever” on the Real Housewives usually means like two or three episodes. 

 

Lisa thanks Heather for being her friend, but Heather says no thank yous are needed, and then tells Lisa, "I have never ever had a conversation about your marriage or your extramarital affairs”, which really should have came with one of those funny "broken spring" sound effects.

 

 

Lisa an Whitney call it a night, but for Jen, Meredith, and Heather, the party is just getting started.  At precisely 2:11 am, Jen whips out a megaphone and introduces a twerking instructor, "Crystal Pussy", who also just happens to be Jen's makeup artist.  Apparently she was hiding back in Jen's room the entire evening,  scarfing down leftover table scraps as she waited for Jen's cue.   God help Jen's ass if this heifer is also part of Jen's legal team. 

 

The next morning, a hungover Whitney visits her half-brother and sister, Curtis and Kelli, who all share the same loser father, but apparently different mothers (whose names are not even mentioned).   They have obviously already been made aware of Whitney's "healing journey" story line.   They proceed to reminisce about their troubled childhood as Whitney continues her memory loss shtick.  Doing her best "Sybil", Whitney tells them that confronting her past and sharing their experience will will give her permission to heal.  The problem is, Whitney Rose is no Sally Field. 

 

Back at the house and the other ladies finally begin to stir. After a latenight burrito, some Kit Kats, a Big Gulp, and a long conversation with her poor husband, John, Lisa decides to put her own drama on hold and focus on the reason for the trip, which is to support Jen Shah, who has to leave early to go to New York for another "mock trial" rehearsal.  Whitney returns from her therapy session with her half-siblings, and all the ladies gather at the (2:30pm) breakfast table.  It's a rainy dreary afternoon in Scottsdale, which matches the mood at the table as the women discuss Jen's predicament.  Jen shares that lead trial attorney asked  her to stop  getting botox so she’s able to show emotion move her face while being questioned on the stand.  This got me thinking; since when have fillers ever prevented a raging schizophrenic like Jen Shah from showing emotion?

 

Jen clarifies that she doesn’t know for sure if she will be going on the stand, but it's a moot point considering that she ultimately pled guilty.  I'm afraid the closest we are ever going to get to seeing Jen Shah "take the stand" will be when she finally sits down with pimpdaddy Cohen, ala Teresa’s post-prison WWHL appearance and Countess Luann's Sag Harbor sitdown.  Jen has a poignant moment when she shares with the ladies that she is indeed scared, and sometimes calms herself by simply laying next to her son Omar.  The ladies see Jen off, and then the waters part when Lisa and Meredith unexpectedly perform a 15 second hug, and then Shrek and Whitney join in for a group hug.  It's a somber moment, and you can tell that they all know Jen is effed.  

 

The four remaining women head out for dinner at on of Scottdale's eateries, Whiskey Row.  After doing a shot of 1942, Meredith has each of them say one word that they can all toast to. "Love,” “peace,” and “friendship” are all said then Whitney had to ruin it by saying "Trust", obviously referring to Heather — until we get to Whitney, who hits us with “honesty", which was obviouslly aimed directly at Heather.  Right on cue, Heather then excuses herself to powder her nose, giving Whitney the chance to bring up the night before.  Whitney is butt hurt that Heather called her a liar, when of course she was the one calling Heather a liar.  As a viewer, I'm so confised.  All I know is Whitney was the one who pulled Heather aside to tell her about Meredith telling her that Lisa was doing vendors in exchange for them carrying her tequila ... as Heather just laughed calling it sweet justice for Meredith.  Now all of a sudden Whitney is all pissy because Heather won't back her up on hearing stories about Lisa blowing NBA ballers for courtside seats?  I'm so confused.

 

When Heather returns to the table, Whitney tells her that she was hurt that third cousin Shrek won't corroborate her story.  But Heather simply can't and maintains that she never had a conversation about blowjobs for courtside seats, a hilarious phrase that she keeps repeating until Lisa finally says, “Can we stop saying that?”.  To make matters worse, Heather tells Whitney to stop making the trip about her, which of course only pissed Whitney off more. 

 

 

Back at the rental, as the women all sit around in their matching (prison) orange colored jammies and gorging themselves on ice cream and cheesecake.  Meredith gifts each of them with a basecap with an embroidered "F", a "bee", and and and "eye". Get it?  FBI; a reference to last season’s rumor about Meredith tipping off the Feds on Jen's whereabouts.  Between this and last week's episode when Jen suggested that Meredtih market "Garbage Trash Whore T-shirts", the SLC ladies do love the merch.

 

Speaking of Jen Shah, the women then discuss her emotional state as well as Stuart's recent guilty plea.  At this point, Jen is the only defendant left who hasn’t taken a plea deal and will instead go to trial.  The women speculate on whether a plea deal is still on the table for Jen too, but brillliant legal mind, Meredith Marks, points out that plea deals are  normally used for getting to the big fish.  The problem here, is Stuart already beat her to the punch.   Meredith then tells the ladies that NY's federal prosecution rate is 98%.   Yeah see  ya Jen, it's been real.