Searching For Sereni-Tea

 

 

 

Sorry this is so late, but I guess better late than never.  The episode kicks off at Jen Shah's ugly rental where she’s preparing a charcuterie board for her and her mother to snack on while partaking in their favorite pastime, puzzles. She says that she’s leaned on her mom during this difficult time, and speaking of which, the trial is just weeks away (at least at the time of filming) ... and yet Jen buys a 1,000-piece puzzle?  Jen says she had to return to the scene of her crime(s) in New York and sit through a mock trial, but you’d think with two reunions under her belt she would be prepared to be prosecuted. The whole ordeal of "what's happening to her" is taking a toll on her, especially because of how it’s hurting her family, whom she tearfully says did nothing to deserve this.  Once again, she clarifies that she’s innocent, and didn’t do nuffin' to deserve this! What makes this all the more annoying is knowing that she eventually pleads guilty.  For me, that is when Shed Media should have Fed Ex'd her a pink slip.  Shah then tells her mother that she has contemplated suicide.  Gimme' an effing break; we all know this evil heifer loves herself far too much to ever even seriously consider offing herself. 

 

 

We get a second charcuterie board when Meredith pays a visit to Whitney’s house.  In a terribly staged and awkward scene, the pair heads outside into the freezing cold with their wine, cheese, prosciutto, and grapes in hand.  Meredith says that although Sheriff's party was fun, it was awkward having Lisa there. “She has bad-mouthed every single one of us in our circle,” she says, and then the editors spring into action with a montage of Lisa insulting each cast member one by one.  As if this couldn't be done with each and every housewife in the Bravo galaxy. 

 

Meredith takes this opportunity to once again mention all the rumors supposedly flying around about Lisa. This time the rumor is that Lisa performs sexual favors to get places to carry her Vida Tequila.  Meredith tries to tell us that she thinks the rumors are absurd, but wait; Whitney says she has heard the exact same thing from someone she knows! They then both ridiculously agree that the last thing they want to do is talk about Lisa behind her back. Whatta relief, because for a second there, I thought they were gonna talk about Lisa behind her back.  Even while participating in this gossip, Whitney says she has sympathy for Lisa, because she had a vision of her as a scared little girl during a session with her energy healer.   BTW, scenes like this are why I can't quite fully invest in SLC. 

 

Meanwhile, the tequila peddling ho' herself is in her driveway shooting hoops with her oldest son, Jack.  Typical of kids this age, it's like pulling teeth getting him to even engage, and when they do, it's idealistic nonsense which thankfully, most of us outgrow.  Jack doesn’t think he needs college since he already "owns" a (shampoo) company called Fresh Wolf.  But mom reminds Mr. Independence that mom and daddy bankrolled ""his" business. Jack then says “Fudge college, honestly.”.  Understandably, this triggers Lisa who worked her ass off in college just so the little snot can say "fudge college".  Getting more heated by the second, Lisa orders Jack to stop dribbling the basketball.  Jack responds, "Talk, alright? I'm all ears".  I honestly thought he said "Fuck! Alright, I'm all ears" (which made it past the censors).   I even played it back several times for my partner, who eventially convinced me that he said "Talk" (not fuck!).   BTW, in case you're wondering; yes I am keenly aware that I really do need to get a life.   

 

Back at Whitney’s house, she’s visibly distraught.  She pours on the annoying baby voice and tells her husband, Justin, that she received an upsetting phone call from her half brother, Will, who informs his dimwitted sister that SHE was abused as a child.  It seems Will has been doing memory recall therapy (EDMR), the same shtick Dorit was using after the alleged home invasion. This triggers Witless who then unearths her own repressed memories.  Witless explains that up until now, she has blocked out all memories of her childhood, from the age of 11 to 17. But this doesn't stop Whitney from planning a girl's trip to Scottsdale, AZ.  Jen Shah thinks the trip is for her (to "lift her broken spirit"), but It just so happens that Whitney has another half brother there as well, so she may as well milk this thing for all its worth.  Man this chick's mom sure got around. 

 

Shrek is not particularly excited about this trip to AZ, which she refers to as “the redheaded stepchild of Utah, but warmer, and with more white people … if that’s even humanly possible”.  So what we have here is an aesthetically challenged White chick who pretends that she hates being White (which I guess explains why she's into old fat black dudes).  Meredith concurs, suggesting Saint-Tropez, Bali, or the Maldives as more appropriate destinations, but Whitney clarifies that since Jen can’t leave the country, their travel options are limited.  Forget the fact that Bravo isn't investing squat into a franchise that's still barely pulling in 600K viewers a week. 

 

Whitney and Lisa head down ahead of the others, so they can settle into the dated Airb&b, which makes the Blessed Mary Cosby's home look updated.  As Whitney and Lisa soak in the proverbial hot tub, a sprinter van with the other three women pulls up. They come bearing a half-drunk bottle of Fireball and Milk Duds since the store was out of Lisa’s breakfast of choice, Kit-Kats.   The women pour out of the van and Jen greets Whitney’s boobs like they’re soldiers returning home from war.  After saying their hellos (except for Meredith who is clearly not done punishing Lisa), Whitney doles out room assignments, giving Jen the biggest one since she's going to prison and all.  Jen tells us in a confessional, “Ever since the arrest, all I know is I keep getting the master bedroom,” she says, “I mean, maybe this is one area it’s working out for me!".  #shallow bitch

 

Whitney anounces that she has scheduled a session with an "energy healer" for the ladies.  Yeah we get it; this dumb bitch has found her independence.  She reminds me of one of those chicks who were raised by Baptist preachers, but then "escaped" and became a stripper (but in Whitney's case, it was the Mormon Church).  Before their first healing event, Whitney fills Heather in on the conversation she and Meredith had about the Lisa rumors.  You can really tell that Shrek was a housewife superfan before being cast on the show, because she’s positively giddy with delight; cackling, while asking “Who is she blowing? Vendors? Bartenders? Bar owners? State liquor store officials?”.  Shrek would certainly know. 

 

Meredith is dreading the healing session because she’s hesitant to open up her energy around Lisa, but she eventially shows up.  The sha(wo)man gives them a cacao elixir, which most of us (God fearing Christians) would incorrectly assume tastes like hot chocolate. Lisa proclaims, “I’ve never done a drug in my life. I’ve never even smoked weed; I barely take Advil. I had my augmentation with nothing. I, like, went and got a Diet Coke after.”.

 

The point of the concoction is to have all the women share something that they’re releasing to make room for something they want.  Naturally, Meredith is seated right next to Lisa.  As night falls, the women lie under blankets for their respective emotional journeys.  Jen is worrying about missing memorable events in her son's lives, what like becoming baby daddies at 17? Meredith is brought to tears recalling her father's death last year.  Lisa recalls a time in her childhood when  she got separated from her family at Disneyland, and they didn't even realize she was gone.  Oh the trauma. 

 

Meredith apologizes to the group for being late, explaining that she didn’t feel "safe".  Lisa quietly says to Meredith, "I thought I was a safe space for you", to which Meredith replies, "YOU are not a safe space for me Lisa!".  Whoa!  Calm down Oklahoma.  This sends Lisa storming into the house and into her ugly 1980's bedroom.  As this point I'm thinking, you know production is there at her bedroom door with microphones again, but no such luck.  Instead, Shrek comes to retrieve her as the  unlikely pair return outside for dinner, where we get yet ANOTHER charcuterie board!  

 

Well that concludes this rather lackluster episode ... now you will have to excuse me while I head for the kitchen for some rye crisp crackers, baby swiss, and Italian salami with a glass (or three) of my favorite Moscato Risata D Asti (the one in the blue bottle).  I guess better throw in some grapes because I am trying to watch my weight.