High Stakes and Friendship Breaks

 

It's the next morning of the girl's trip to San Diego, and all the ladies are all still reeling from Jen Shah's drunken wrath from the day before.  Lisa Barlow says, “The bottom line is we have all dealt with this for a long time, and it was pretrial too ... it's not anything new” telling Whitney and Angie she’s still upset by the way she was attacked yesterday (and for no reason) on the boat. Angie points out that Jen doesn’t even remember pushing Lisa, which Whitney equates to Heather not remembering they’re even in a fight.  Whitney then refers to the “friend break” that she's been taking from her, adding that Heather hasn’t even noticed.

 

 

“You guys, I’m gonna go grab a Kit Kat and get ready for the day,” Lisa says, and heads to the kitchen where she catches up with Heather, scarfing down a slab or three of bacon and a half dozen eggs.  Heather is hoping Jen wakes up with a clearer (sober) perspective.  Lisa tells Heather that Jen seems to be flip-flopping on how she really feels and that they just need to hash things out. Heather agrees, because Jen's outbursts have just gotten worse and worse, so it’s time to finally have a conversation. Meanwhile Jen pays a visit to Angie K's room, apologizing again for pouring champagne on her head, but also for not allowing Angie her feelings on the matter.  Angie then apologizes to Jen for airing their dirty laundry in front of the other women. 

 

But for now, it's off to the beach.  In a funny talking head, Lisa says, “This is definitely not Turks and Quesos,” and then attempts to correct herself by saying "Turks and Ques-cos".  She finally gets it right and tells the producer,  “Don’t use that!”.  As the ladies clomp through the sand in heels and trashy see-thru cover ups, they are met by an obnoxious couple who has set up chairs, a beach picnic, and games for the ladies to compete in.  You know mandatory attendance at a seminar for some nearby timeshare came with this deal.

 

 

Team captains, Whitney and Heather, lead the other women in a sandcastle-building contest, a sack race, and "bubble socker".  For me, these scenes are really played out, but obviously the point of these physical competitions is to capture some of the housewive's more competitive natures.  Case in point, before it can even be judged, Whitney runs over the Heather's sand castle creation and violently destroys it.  What was supposed to be a funny bit came off as just weird and aggressive, and as the shocking ending of the episode shows, little do we know that Whitney is just getting warmed up.  However, as least for now, Whitney gets her due when Jen knocks her on her ass during the sack race.  Ultimately, Whitney's team are declared the winners.

 

Apparently passing on the prepared beach picnic, the women split up as Heather, Lisa, and Jen grab lunch at a nearby eatery.  The others go surfing ... everyone except for  Meredith that is, who obviously ain't getting on a surfboard. At lunch, Jen apologizes for snapping at Lisa the day before, which then starts a conversation about everything else that went down. First up is the ultimatum that Jen gave Heather.  In case you missed it, Jen told Heather, "It's Angie H. or me!".  Of course neither are budging; Jen thinks Heather has been flip-flopping, and Heather thought this whole issue had been put to bed.  I have to say; between Whitney and Jen, Heather is coming off as being completlety unaware this season which really can be hurtful. 

 

Heather and Lisa both try to tell Jen that they don’t want to start every day wondering if Jen is going to bite their heads off.   Heather tells Jen, “It’s about the cycle ... one day I’m throwing shoes over the yacht with you and laughing and feeling like the sun’s shining, but the sun doesn’t shine on the same dog’s ass everyday”.  Jen says this isn’t her fault but, rather the result of Heather constantly flip-flopping on her. “You flip-flop so much you should be wearing some flip-flops!".  But watching this, and knowing what we now know, I can't help thinking that this conversation is futile, and they aren't going to have to worry about Jen Shah for much longer. 

 

Predictably, Jen finally erupts and then tells Heather and Lisa that she tried to commit suicide. “I have always felt like I was a pretty strong person. But when I found out about ShahXposed, it came on a day when there was just a lot of negativity dealing with the trial, and I got to the point that day where I was done”.  She claims that  she locked herself in the bathroom and coach Sheriff kicked down the door and took her to the hospital, where she stayed for two and a half days.  But for me (and I think Heather and Lisa) the story falls flat.  First of all, everyone knows that attempted suicides are sent to the "west wing" (the psych ward) for at least two weeks, not two days.  Secondly, Jennifer Shah is way too much of a narcissist to ever even think about offing herself. 

 

Then in a confessional that follows, Lisa says “Jen just dropped something so heavy Bob the Builder couldn’t even move it”.  I'm asking myself, who is Bob the Builder?  In any case, Jen storms off, leaving Heather’s and Lisa’s hands tied with this conversation. Ultimately, they unite in being there for their friend during this difficult time while also recognizing her toxic behavior. Venting about it to each other will just have to do for now.

 

Back at the house, the ladies are preparing for Whitney's Marilyn Monroe–themed dinner.  Whitney makes the rounds handing out blonde wigs to all the women that are so cheap looking, they make Karen Huger's look good. Of course Jen has brought her own (expensive) wig.  Obviously, there's nothing unusual about these dumb costume parties .... when they're having them at home, but  I was shocked when they all loaded into the sprinter van to go to a restaurant dressed like a bunch of  Marilyn Monroe drag queens.

 

BTW, this isn’t just any restaurant; it's a charcuterie-themed restaurant, continuing this cast’s obsession with trendy cheese boards. I do love me some good prosciutto, crackers, and cheese, but if I was served cubes of cheddar and salami for dinner, I would be stabbing someone with a cheese knife and taking my ass to Red Lobster.  It's no wonder that this meal immediately spirals into chaos.

 

 

To get the proverbial dinner table fight going, Whitney asks if they made any progress over lunch.  Jen snaps at Whitney, basically telling her that it's none of her business, but nonetheless, seizes the opportunity to inform the entire table about her alleged suicide attempt.  The response from the other women is not unlike Heather and Lisa's, which is just sort of a "Sure Jen".  It's so obvious that Jen is now setting her sights on Whitney thay you can almost hear the voice in her head saying, “Target acquired". She’s pissed at her for telling Heather what Jen was saying about her in the hot tub, so in a tit for tat,  turn Jen brings up what Whitney was saying in the hot tub about taking a “friend break” from Heather.  I can't with Whitney's stupid psycho babble terms.

 

This subject lights up the entire table.  It’s physically impossible for Whitney and Heather to have a productive conversation about this subject bebause it's like they are speaking two different languages.  Every time this subject comes up, it’s as if Heather were hearing about it for the first time, while Whitney is convinced she’s been telling her what she did wrong all season.  Keep in mind that throughout all this, they’re all dressed like (drunk and sloppy) Marilyn Monroes.

 

In her usual robotic and monotone voice, Whitney keeps telling Heather that she isn’t "hearing" her.  Then in a confessional, Heather asks, “What am I not listening or hearing?”.  Somehow this question leads them all the way back to the Utah Jazz Festival tickets rumor, but thankfully, Jen is there (with a bedazzled “Shahmazing” hair clip in her wig) to get them back on track: “Whitney told us she was taking a friend break from you.”

 

Of course, this is news to Heather, who is completely perplexed by this revelation. She thinks it’s been fine every time they’ve seen each other, but Whitney completely disagrees. Heather thinks this is all bullshit, and Whitney says the fact that she can’t even have a conversation with her about it is why they’re on a “friend break” in the first place.  As I try to make sense out of these two (distant) cousin's beef, I just keep thinking what a crock of shit the entire story line is.  Before this show, I doubt that these two had even spoken more than twice in their entire lives. 

 

 

The evening then does a 180 when they all leave the drama on the charcuterie board and head to a gay club where they dance among their fellow drag queens.  They return to the house and all pile out of the sprinter van with half eaten pizza slices in hand.  Jen has lost her shoes (talk about karma), but if I were her, I'd be checking Angie K's purse. Pandemonium then ensues as a glass breaks, Lisa loses her phone, Whitney makes English muffins, and Jen and Heather run all around inside and outside the house topless (with their respective triple G udders pressed up against the glass no less) ... and this all happening in just a matter of seconds.

 

Next thing we know, production calls it a night, and we switch over to the house’s security-camera footage with time stamps.  We’re suddenly watching an episode reminiscent of Dorit's alleged breakin (RHOA's drunken evening with "Bolo" comes to mind as well).  It’s 3:20 a.m. and Heather retires to her casita which for all my fellow Midwesterns, is a tiny guest house.   She locks the door. Flash forward to 4:50 a.m. The knob stirs. Someone is trying to get in. We see Heather approach the door to open it. My heart is racing a mile a minute. “What time is it?” she wonders aloud. The screen cuts to black.

 

“Seven hours later", and it’s now morning, and Meredith is receiving a text ... "Can you come to my room right now?”. Panicked, Meredith goes to Heather's room and finds Jen and Heather sitting there, wearing big sunglasses.  Meredith asks, "What's wrong?  You're scaring me ... ".  Heather then whips off her sunglasses and reveals a swollen black eye and injuries all up and down her arm.  What happened? Who was behind that locked door?  To be continued.