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High Heels in the High Seas

 

The episode starts right where the last one left off ... with Jen having a tantrum on a doomed yacht excursion boat. Jen is complaining that Angie can’t take a joke, while Angie is insisting that she doesn’t think getting a drink poured on her is a joke.  While comforting a spiraling Jen to protect herself from her impending wrath, Heather agrees with everything Jen’s saying while also casually pointing out that Lisa took Angie’s side right away.

 

 

In one of the funniest grievances ever (and on this show there are many), Jen is now also furious at Lisa because Lisa didn’t even come to check on her and ask if she was okay.  Never mind the fact that this is like asking if a car is okay after it mows someone down. The entire scene is one of the more badly acted ones on Jen's part, but it is understandable that she's milking every scene this season for all it's worth.

 

As Danna and Witless twerk on the top deck, Lisa approaches a very drunk Jen who wastes no time going after her, catching Lisa completely off guard. Jen keeps trying to storm off while Lisa chases after her trying to figure out why she’s mad, and at one point, physically restraining her so she can’t escape. “What am I doing wrong?” Lisa asks, but Jen shoves her away and throws an entire charcuterie board into the ocean. That’s how you know things are serious. There’s nothing these women love more than a charcuterie board, so to send one overboard is a true act of war.

 

Eventually, Lisa hits her breaking point, screaming at Jen, “Stop being a bitch! I have done nothing to you!".  Heather then tries to de-escalate the situation (she caused) by separating them, and then huddles with a hysterical Jen. “I know you have never been ambushed like that, it’s horribly painful,” Heather tells her as if she wasn’t ambushed by an entire S.W.A.T. team last season. The rest of the women head into the boat while Heather sits with Jen, even tricking her into chugging a bottle of water to counteract whatever the F she was drinking.

 

 

Heather then jokes suggests that they throw Angie’s purse in the ocean to teach her a lesson, and Jen’s ears perk up. “I’m kidding!” Heather clarifies, but it’s too late.  Jen reaches for a pair of shoes and says, “Whose are these?”, then tosses them into the sea.  Jen has enough legal problems as it is, and the last thing she needs is a fine from the San Diego Coast Guard for littering, let alone a small claims lawsuit over a pair of

$1000+ shoes.

 

Below deck, a producer mentions that someone’s shoe is floating out in the water and panic erupts. Lisa Barlow leaps up and screams, “Oh my God, I hope they’re not my Saint Laurent ones!”. The other women then storm the poop deck, frantically searching for their own shoes. Whitney only recovers one, and Heather, being the "ride-or-die friend" that she is, lies saying other one slipped. The pair that Jen actually hurled were, in fact, Angie K.’s, who’s searching everywhere for her $1,500 pair of kicks. “No one touched your shoes, Angie,” Jen says with such confidence that I almost believe her despite having seen her throw them overboard with my own eyes.

 

The women load back into the sprinter van for the ride home where a totally trashed Jen appears to be on death’s door. They give her a Monster Energy drink to sober her up, but the drink has the opposite effect, and knocks Jen on her ass.  She passes out in the sprinter van and remains there for a few hours, even once they arrive back at the house. 

 

While Jen sleeps outside, Heather calls our group’s current outcast, Angie H., who obviously set up her ring light and hired a glam team to FaceTime her way into this San Diego trip. While her absence does mean less name confusion between the two Angies, Heather says that she wishes she were there because she’s “pure fun without any of the drama".   If there’s one thing Angie H. is known for, it’s out-of-this-world drama. Heather fills her in on the trip dynamics, and just like the rest of the group, Angie H. is confused about Heather’s relationship with Jen. Are they fighting or are they besties? It seems to be a comfortable surface-level thing right now, with Heather saying she likes to have fun with Jen but doesn’t have a lot of expectations. That’s all good and well, but as Angie points out, Jen’s probably not going to be reasonable with her in moments that really count.

 

Speak of the devil:  A well rested Jen returns from her van slumber just in time for the dinner she’s throwing. It’s not a moment too soon since the women are all starving, having only had Champagne and tequila all day  (I'm guessing Bravo blew their craft-service budget on this pricey San Diego Airbnb). A triumphant Jen emerges for the celebration, wearing one of the four wigs she brought for this three-day trip, and leads the women out to her Hawaiin luau, complete with a disgusting roasted pig and chubby fire dancers in grass skirts.  In a hilarious confessional, and getting one step closer to earning her snowflake, Angie says, "The fire dancers are amazing ... too bad I’m gonna have to pull them aside after and let them know they’re probably not going to get paid”.

 

Of course these aren’t the only dancers Jen has lined up, because as they eat, the "Fun Police" make their entrance. In yet another hilarious confessional, Heather says, “This is quite ironic ... the last time I was this close to cops, I thought they were strippers and they turned out to be federal agents”.  But unlike the S.W.A.T. team in the Beauty Lab parking lot, these cops are giving lap dances; however, Witless is the only willing participant, and like most of the viewers watching this overplayed cheesy crap,  Lisa Barlow says the only man she's interested in seeing naked is John Barlow (I'm with ya sister).   One of the strippers begins their shtick ... “We got a call that there was a noise complaint … that it’s too quiet”, which doesn’t make a lot of sense considering the women have been (((screaming))) at each other at full volume all day.

 

The strippers leave before things really get loud, which happens when the conversation finally turns to the conflict between Jen and Danna. But the thing is, nothing actually happened between the two of them; Danna just doesn’t like how Jen treated the two Angies, which then turns into a  conversation between Jen and Heather, which up until now, has been swept under the rug.  Confused yet?  Me too. 

 

We find out that Jen won't be getting the apology that she requested from the Harringtons (for the SM hit piece, "ShahXposed") because their lawyer advised against having any association with her (apparently said lawyer doesn't know they are doing a TV show together).  Jen is naturally livid over this, and then Heather says she understands why they won’t do it, which only makes Jen’s head explode even more. 

 

Suddenly someone taps in Angie K. to defend Danna’s shit-stirring and says that Heather is spewing a lot of bullshit. Angie says she doesn’t understand why Jen’s friends with her, and Heather quickly replies, “I’m trying to understand your relationship because she threw your shoes off the yacht today,” completely blowing Jen’s cover. It’s perplexing to Heather (and me) why Angie is suddenly the arbiter of being a good friend to Jen when she annihilated her on the sprinter van just hours ago. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw shoes.

 

Our next fighter making her way to the ring is Lisa Barlow, who jumps in to bring up all the shit Jen talked about Heather last week in Whitney’s hot tub, where she complained about Heather being a bad friend. She’s sick of all the dishonesty and wants to air it all out — including the fact that she’s mad at Jen for coming at her on the yacht.

 

“When did I come at you today?” Jen asks, almost convincingly. The question becomes this; does Jen not remember because she was drunk or because she has a very selective memory? Lisa thinks it’s the latter, saying, “She only remembers what she feels wronged with, but it doesn’t matter what she does or says to anybody else. That’s how Jen works”.

 

At some point during this fight, Jen takes off her massive hairpiece, and then turns to Angie and gives her a heartfelt apology (for pouring champagne on her head), and Angie accepts.  Jen even goes so far as to say that Angie K. is the only one at the table with whom she knows where they stand. It's a totally weird exchange for everyone there.

 

This is enough for Heather and Lisa to walk away from the table and end the dinner. “I’ll bring Jen her hair,” Meredith says, taking the abandoned extensions back inside.  Meanwhile somewhere out in the Atlantic Ocean, the sea life are enjoying a pair of designer shoes.