RHOSLC S2 E9 "I Was Driving Carpool!"

 

As some may have noticed, I haven't been recapping RHOSLC much lately.  The truth is, after a really good season premier, I got bored with it.  As with the Real Housewives of Potomac&Cheese, the fake fighting and scripted story lines just became too much, and I lost interest.  Apparently, I'm not alone, because the ratings for both are in the toilet.  But since my cherished Beverly Hills has ended, I guess now is as good a time as any to get back on board.

 

This week's “supersized” episode of the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City gave us an extra few minutes of Jen’s Shahbust, and I’m not referring to her ample bosom. But more on this later. The episode begins with Shrek having lunch with her daughter, niece, and niece’s Gasian  husband. The entire scene is basically an excuse for these newly woke Salt Lake City snowflakes to bash LDS on (what they have determined to be) their mishandling of Covid, allowing blacks into the priesthood, and (lack of) support of gay marriage. Zzzzz.

 

 

Next up is Jen and Stuart going snowshoeing (not to be confused with snowboarding). It seems Jen’s therapist told her to “make new memories and spend quality time” with the people she loves. Jen tells Stuart that she’s envious of him being with his kids every day, an advantage that she robbed herself of because she was always too busy “building businesses" so her employees could put food their tables and out of the mouths of seniors. Flashback to a cringe worthy scene of Jen asking her teenage son, Omar, if he wants her drive him to school and decorate his locker, whatever the F that means. At this point, I can’t decide who loathes their mother's more; Jen’s son Omar, or Mary’s son, Robert Cosby, Jr..  All I know is both are probably destined for San Quentin.

 

 

Newly obsessed with all things Italian, Mary is hosting a cooking class and has instructed all the ladies to wear simple and chic “Italian Street Fashion,” which is pretty hilarious in itself considering Mary is probably the least “simple and chic” housewife that the HW series has ever known. All the women are on hand, except for the new chick, Jennie, whom Mary didn’t invite because she simply “does not care for her”. 

 

But Jennie is not the only one feeling Mary’s wrath at the moment.  It seems that Whitney Rose did not respond to Mary’s request to Face time; apparently an infraction so serious that Whitney must now be punished. So Mary sends Whitney a different invitation, stating that the required dress code is “Mafia Girl Streetwear” (instead of “Italian Streetwear), which had me thinking is there really a difference?. But for reasons not entirely made clear (especially to this viewer at 2am), Whitney disappoints (and enrages) Mary by failing to show up looking like Drita from Mob Wives.

 

In what feels like hours later, the pasta-making lesson continues. Whitney tries to explain to Mary that she was carpooling when Mary called, and therefore unable to facetime with her. This is of course understandable, but as Mary aptly points out, "Really bitch .. for 24 hours?”. Whitney repeatly tells Mary that she loves her and would never want to hurt her, but Pastor Mary is unfazed. Nope, this chick is going to pay! She calls Whitney a “little girl” and then tells her “you can leave!”. Meredith chases after her and they debrief about Mary. They don't really say anything that hasn’t already been rumored online, but it’s still a hoot to hear them candidly discuss that Mary’s grandma was "God" and then Mary took her place.  Mary feels she can talk to Whitney however she wants because she knows that Whitney and everyone else knows she “holds the spirit of God.”.  We also get some bonus rehashing of wildly cruel texts about Whitney’s face.

 

As the group continues to make pasta, Jen is still sulking because she wasn’t invited to Lisa’s “foster care” event, and also still miffed at Whitney because she gave her ex-designer some kind of hyaluronic acid serum. Whitney explains that the designer only known as “bleep” purchased the product with his own Shah-earned (ill gotten?) dollars. Meredith shuts it down by explaining that “sometimes people are invited and sometimes they’re not and that’s up to the host.”. Speaking of Meredith, she has invited all the ladies (including Jennie) for a girl’s trip to Vail, CO. This leads us to the scene which kicked off season 2, that is Jen Shah getting pinched by the Feds.

 

As all the women are piling into the party bus, Jen answers her phone. Jen does her best to remain calm, collect, and as cool as a cucumber, but the look (of sheer panic) on Jen’s face is undeniable. She has Whitney turn off her mic, and then informs everyone that while while Coach Shah was at a doctor’s appointment, they discovered that has internal bleeding and may need surgery … so Jen has to go and be with her man! he’s in the hospital and she has to go be with him! We as viewers are left with who was “baby” on the other end of the phone, and why did she Jen say she had to go to the house, but then switched it to “the hospital”?

 

 

We are then shown raw footage of Heather, Whitney, Jennie, and Lisa debating whether they should just call the trip off or not. Of course, they will go on the trip as planned, but Det. Lisa Barlow is on the case. Lisa is the first to realize that some serious sh* has hit the fan, that this is not a prank, and most importantly, none of it has to with Coach Shah (at least not that we’re aware of at the moment). Heather wonders if she should call Jen (presumably to tip her off that the Feds are on her), but Lisa ominously cautions Heather not to call Jen’s partner in crime assistant, Stuart. To be continued.