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Cinco De Mayhem

 

It’s day three of the girl’s trip to Zion, UT, courtesy of the husbands, who all chipped in for a Mother’s Day gift. Heather and Lisa are going horseback riding together, Whitney and Jen are going ATV-ing, and Meredith, Mary, and Jennie, all pimped out in stiletto pumps and ugly track suits, have opted for a spa day. First, we’ve got unlikely duo, Lisa and Heather, stomping around on horses for a few minutes, then spend the rest of the time talking shit about Meredith. Lisa apologizes for getting everyone “totally yelled at” the day before, after telling Meredith that everyone thought she used her dad’s memorial as an excuse not to ride the bus with everyone. Heather notes that Meredith gave her a different reason, so they conclude that Meredith is lying. Both gals compare notes and realize the stories they were told don’t match up. Their recollections are so vague and thin that the scene just feels like filler.

 

 

Up next, we get Jen serving up prison chic’ in a cute orange number, as she and Whitney hop into an ATV with a hungover Whitney at the wheel. After zooming around enough to get their snouts coated in dirt, they too sit down and proceed to trash Meredith as well. Jen insinuates that Meredith probably did rat her out (to the feds), and Whitney is still convinced that Meredith’s beef with Jen could not have be solely based on the twitter hate against Brooks … there must be more! Together, Jen and Whitney share their confusion over Meredith’s weird alliance with cult leader Mary, describing the situation as “terrifyingly off, and not even in a fun way.”. Jen makes a vow that this will not be swept under the carpet.

 

Meanwhile at the spa, after enjoying relaxing massages, Meredith, Mary, and Jennie sit down for an awkward chat. Jennie apologizes to Meredith for stirring the pot (between Meredith and Jen Shah) and promises that it will never happen again, and considering the fact that she was just fired, it’s a pretty safe bet that she will be keeping that promise. Meredith then asks if everyone has talked to their husbands, and Jennie shares that her husband Duy “tole her that couple therapy will never happen”. Jennie then asks Mary if she has talked to Robert, Mary shuts her down and says “I’m not discussing that, because I don’t know you like that”. Again, knowing what we now know (that Mary and Jennie are both gone), discussing their crap seems just rather pointless. Quite frankly, I’m over both of them.

 

Back at the villa, in honor of Mary calling Jen a Mexican thug, Jen is wearing a Selena costume and hosting a Cinco de Mayo-themed dinner. But before dinner, Meredith channels Sutton Stracke by pulling Whitney aside to express her reservations (and potential liability) over participating in a dinner hosted by Jen Shah, suggesting that the dinner is being paid for with ill gotten money. Whitney is gobsmacked, and not quite sure how to even process Meredith’s concerns, but eventually assures Meredith that the husbands paid for the trip, which presumably includes the food. Where to even begin with this load of crap. First of all, we already know that the cast members don’t pay for these trips; they merely organize them, presumably with a budget provided by their employer, so the entire scene is just stupid.

 

With maracas in hand, we’re off to yet another shit show dining experience. After being serenaded by a Mariachi band, the women all sit down to dinner. Jen hands each of the ladies a “snowflake” necklace, that she and her partner in crime, Stuart Smith, personally handcrafted. She explains that she orginally intended to give them out in Vale, but getting pinched by the Feds dashed those plans. Meredith accepts the gift, apparently assuming that the husbands paid for those too.

 

Miserable to even be there, Mary is mumbling under her breath and bitching about the cold, and then excuses herself to go inside and get warm. Whitney asks if she can being them back some blankets and Mary says “Probably not”. While she gone, Jennie takes the opportunity to fill everyone in on the Mary’s latest diss earlier that day (at the spa), and Heather says she is glad Mary is gone because she’s a buzzkill anyway. No truer words have ever been muttered. When Mary comes back, the shit hits the fan as Whitney asks Mary point blank, if she likes Jennie. Mary, to which she simply replies, “no”, then adding that she thinks Jennie is rude, loud, and obnoxious. The group simply cannot comprehend the fact that Mary just doesn’t give a single fuck about “housewife decorum”, let alone maintaining fake friendships on reality TV.

 

 

Heather interjects, telling Mary that Jennie husband pitches in (for the trip) too, so Jennie deserves a little respect. Mary then reminds Heather that she doesn’t even have a husband to which Heather replies, “Fuck you Mary Crosby … who’s your husband? He’s your step grand daddy”. Lisa then chimes in and tells Meredith that this is one of those times that she should be calling out her new friend, Mary. But then Jen Shah one ups Lisa and says, “Why didn’t YOU stick up for ME?”. Lisa tells Jen that she’s not going to have this conversation turned on her. Via various talking heads, we are then subjected to every psychobabble buzzword known to mankind; from “micro-aggression” and “triggered” to “emotional coddling” and “cycle of abuse”. When Jen excuses herself to go to the bathroom (presumably to re-adjust her nipple pasties), Mary continues the battle for her by telling Lisa that she doesn’t even know how to be a good friend. Lisa responds by calling Mary “fake as F”, but she’s just getting started.

 

Things go further off the rails as Lisa snaps, “Who is there for fcking me … because nobody is there for me!”. Proving once again that she’s completely incapable of sparring with any of these women, Mary tells Lisa that she wasn’t taught how to be real, but even worse, she still eats candy and she goes to Taco Bell … “Because like who does that?”. As a viewer, this is where I have to draw the line, because as angry as I still am that Taco Bell quit offering their iconic taco salad, I simply cannot tolerate this slander! Mary then adds that families need nutrition, and CPS needs to be notified because Lisa’s children are living on Big Gulps and Kit Kats. Well now the gloves are off, and Lisa says screams that EVERYTHING about Mary is fake; from her church, to her marriage, to the ugly knock offs in her closet! At this point, I’m imagining everyone at home screaming at their TV’s, “Yes! You go bitch!”.

 

Lisa storms off to her room, and as she’s presumably throwing all her crap in suitcases, she starts ranting. Behind the closed door, we hear and read (with lots of subtitles), “I’m leaving. I am fucking done. What Meredith did is so fucked up. Meredith can go fuck herself. I’m done with her cause I’m not a fucking whore, and I don’t cheat on my husband. Her and her dumb fucking family that poses. Why don’t you own a house? Wait, you can’t. ‘Cause your husband changes jobs every five minutes. Fake Meredith is a piece of shit. ‘I’ll have your back.’ I’m offended by that. Fuck you, that fucking piece of shit garbage whore. I hate her. She’s a whore. She’s fucked half of New York! She can go fuck herself! Here, you can have my mic back.”.

 

The door then opens as Lisa throws her mic at one of the producers. I’d like to assume that THIS is the “bombshell” that pimp daddy Cohen spoke of, but then I realized that we didn’t get the “Next week on the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City season finale:”, so it is possible that there is more to come. But regardless, we are looking at five more weeks of RHOSLC, at least (counting the four part reunion).