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Who's Calling Who a Fraud?
The episode starts right where we left off last week, with Jen Shah screaming at Lisa like a crazy woman as the other woman nonchalantly play on their phones. You get that feeling that Jen is having one of those breakthrough moments in a therapy session like you see in the movies; where the patient finally confronts some sort of unspeakable trauma that they have buried for years, to preserve their sanity. Of course Jen Shah’s unspeakable trauma is her arrest, and the recipient of her rage might have well been Kevin, the dutiful sprinter bus driver . . . Lisa just happens to be the one whom Jen is laying it all on. Eventually Jen pulls out the mom card and the prospect of missing Omar’s prom (when she’s sent to the slammer), and after eventually screaming and crying herself into exhaustion, she and Lisa hug and all is well, at least for now.
They finally arrive at Zion, which to me looks like one of the most depressing places on Earth. As if the rattlesnakes, scorpions, and tarantulas aren’t bad enough, Witless Rose has arranged a stay at The Red Rock Villa, which looks like the former hideout of one of those “Mexican thug drug cartel types" whom Jen Shah reminds Mary of. The gays who thought decorating a Spanish Mediterranean structure with Southwest Adobe and Crate & Barrel mid-century modern furniture needs to have their mo’ membership cards revoked. Stucco walls and dated orange terracotta tiled floors with modern dove grey leather furniture and drum shade lighting is like decorating an Aspen ski lodge in Chinese modern. Pick a style boys! This place makes Meredith’s chalet in Vail look tasteful.
Once all settled in, the ladies decide to enjoy an afternoon at the pool. Not to belabor the point (again), but I’ve seen better pools at the Howard Johnson’s in Branson, MO. Jennie begs to be thrown into the water by repeatedly telling the women, "I can't swim so no one throw me in the water”, until Jen Shah finally obliges, knocking Jennie off her Dollar General blow up raft and into the water. Then for some unexplained reason, Jen rips out her hair extension and throws it at Lisa. Lisa tells us that she’s going to start being a lot meaner, because “nice” doesn’t work. Then when bringing some eats to pool, Heather asks Lisa if it reminds her of her days at Hooters. This got me wondering; are these the “bombshell nuggets” that Andy Cohen promised for the remainder of the season?
Whitney has organized a “Red Earth Ceremony” for an evening of spiritual healing, and has instructed all the women to wear white (because white represents “purity”). Mary and Meredith, who skipped the sprinter bus and flew separately, finally show up. Whitney tells them that they must hurry, because the sun is going down quickly, and Betina the creepy faith healer waits for no one. So Meredith is forced on the bus in her cute bell bottomed denim ensemble. But Mary won’t be rushed, so she stays behind, channeling Janet Jackson, circa Rhythm Nation era.
At the "labyrinth", which is really just a bunch of Home Depot Edgestone landscape pavers placed in a circle maze, faith healer Betina chants all the usual mystical baloney, and instructs each of the ladies to walk through the labyrinth like zombies while verbally releasing their respective negative energies. Mary finally shows up (at least physically), and after clarifying that this silly crap doesn’t go against her religion, she tells us that the truth is, she just doesn't want to be there. Nothing new here; Mary has clearly not wanted to be there for the entire season. So she stands 30 feet away from the labyrinth, still chomping on that goddamn gum, occasionally glancing their way.
Back at the hotel, they sit down for dinner for the proverbial housewife table fight. Per housewife script, each of the women go around the table airing their respective grievances. Whitney tells Mary that she’s hurt that she didn’t participate in her “special evening” and Mary responds by telling her that she just “doesn’t have it in her”, basically reaffirming that she’s done with their friendship. Still searching for some sort of an apology, Whitney then turns to Meredith and scolds her for traveling separate from the group. But this backfires as well, as Meredith warns her to NOT go there, because apparently Whitney left Meredith to fly home alone from Vail, adding that she needed “the time and space to be alone”.
Jen Shah then chimes in by calling bullshit on Meredith’s explanation, referencing a (group) text of her claiming that she had to take Seth to the doctor. Pot stirrers Lisa and Jennie try to put Meredith on the spot by asking her if it's now ok to invite she and Jen Shah to the same events together. Jennie reminds Meredith that she tore everyone's heads off when she saw Jen Shah walking into Jennie's Pho luncheon. But it backfires when Meredith accuses Jennie of being the one who called Jen Shah a criminal. As a shouting match ensues, Jen graciously excuses herself from the table, giving all the women the opportunity to debate who has been the most loyal friend to her. When the conversation turns to Meredith and Mary's new found friendship, Meredith says that she feeling "attacked" and excuses herself as well, but Mary follows her and talks her into returning.
When Meredith returns, Jen (who has now also returned) calmly asks Meredith point blank, why she called a private investigator on her. Meredith clarifies, telling Jen that she called a P.I. to investigate EVERYONE (not just her); to find out why her family was receiving threats, and by whom. Jen then brings Jennie into the conversation by screaming across the table, “You told me that Meredith called a P.I. about ME!”. Clearly busted, Jennie tells Jen that she was talking to her privately, and then tells us in a confessional, “I tole her the truth, but she turn it on me, which is unbeweebable!”. Needless to say, this Jennie chick is really going to have to step up her game if she wants to roll with these bitches.
Meredith then says to Jen Shah, "You have been very unkind to my family, and my investigator said that there is a 90% probability that it was you threatening my family". Jen responds, "Your family has been awful to MY family!", which of course then re-ignites "VaginaGate“. Jen screams, "What about MY family ... your son said he saw my vagina!". Meredith goes from zero to 180 screaming, "We ALL saw your vagina Jen, over and over and over again!". Jen then gets up from her seat and gets in Meredith’ s face, pointing her claws at her as Meredith hilariously attempts to defuse the situaton by telling Jen that she’s 'violating her personal space'. But Jen is unrelenting and screams "You want me to tell everyone what YOU have done?". Meredith responds, "Oh sweetie you don't want me to tell what I know about you!". Jen then warns Meredith, "If you have anything to do with these bullshit charges against me! .... ". Meredith says that she would never do that, because she's not revolting like Jen. As she’s walking away, they exchange in a tit for tat, calling each a fraud, but Jen gets the last word by saying, “Let’s ask one of your ten boyfriends!”. . . . . . . *mic drop. To be continued.
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