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What the Pho?
Meredith is hosting an “easy night” for only Lisa and Jennie. Even though it’s just the three of them, Meredith has hired a chef to prepare a spread for 20 people. Meredith’s clothing designer-in-training son, Brooks, makes a brief appearance to show his mom (and us) the newest creation in his new blazer line. Like his track suit line, his blazers have that stupid piece of white masking tape “Brooks Marks” label sewn onto the front. I watch Project Runway enough to know that “branding” is crucial for any new designer, but this kid needs a serious lesson in the art of subtlety as well as where and when obnoxious labeling is appropriate. I can so easily see Christian Siriano bitch slapping this twink and saying “Girl, you ain’t there yet”. Anyway, to celebrate Brooks’ new endeavor, the dress code of the evening is “blazers”. Jennie arrives first, and the discussion immediately turns to her creepy husband’s (entirely fake) Sister Wives fantasy. Brooks excuses himself and retreats to his room and shortly thereafter, the gay chef presumably joins him where they will enjoy their own evening of spinning records and talking about cute boys and fashion. Lisa arrives and is relieved that Meredith “has food, so we’re not gonna be anorexic!” … whatever the heck that means.
Lisa has finally decided to take Jen Shah’s calls, so she is on her way to meet Lisa for lunch … and she’s driving herself! We’re supposed to believe that normally, Jen Shah is chauffeur-driven all over Park City. Over fried crispy chicken skins, Lisa tells Jen that she believes she’s innocent. Fighting back non-existent tears, Jen tells Lisa that she’s hurt because Lisa didn’t “show up” for her. Lisa makes up sort of excuse that she was hurt first (over something that isn’t even worth mentioning) and Jen’s arrest didn’t change that. Jen tells Lisa she doesn’t care about that and is just trying to fight for her freedom. PARA Heather’s long lost brother is visiting from Switzerland, where he’s been raising his kids for the last 15 years. For an opportunity to appear on the show, he sent Heather a letting her know that he was so “inspired” by her being excommunicated from kicked out the Church of LDS, that he too decided to leave Mormonism, even though he was previously Zooming with the church (in German) for three hours a day.
Meanwhile, Lisa is meeting Whitney for some weird yoga thing. Lisa showing up in a cute top and denim shorts is all the evidence we need that she’s into yoga about as much as horseback riding, and Whitney even less. The conversation turns to Pastor Mary. Their careful and measured exchange is clearly intended to suggest that they both have more dirt on The Blessed Mary.
In a nausea inducing scene, Jen Shah’s sympathy campaign continues. We get Jen at home with her hood rat immediate and extended family celebrating Ramadan. Jen tells the camera that she is grateful for what happened TO her, happened during this special month long “celebration” of fasting, prayer, and reflection; however, she leaves out the part about praying to Allah for the deaths of all infidels (meaning non-Mooselambs). Jen’s partner in crime husband, Coach Sheriff, tells her that they are going to have to downsize to a Shittier Shah Chalet, because of the exorbitant lawyer fees that are now pushing the $2M mark. Seems like a ridiculous number, but if OJ spent an est. $5M over 25 years ago, these crooks probably ARE on the hook for a measly two mill. This will undoubtedly break them, but Jen tells the camera that she’s more worried about being able to continue spending $50K a month on all of the deadbeat family members whom she brought to Salt Lake City (“to enjoy a better life”).
The episode concludes with Jennie’s Vietnamese-themed luncheon. The luncheon is being held in the Vietnam section of Jordan Park’s Int’l Peace (Botanical) Gardens, a hilarious premise in itself. All the women show up, but Mary is running late. Immediately, Meredith see scolds Jennie, “Did we NOT have this conversation to NOT invite me if you invited HER (meaning Jen Shah)!?”. It would have been hilarious if Jennie were able to say “Look bitch, we’re all here collecting a check”, but of course, that of course that would be breaking the fourth wall.
Just as Jennie asks if they should start without her, Mary is seen walking through the park like she being led to a firing squad while muttering to herself, “Help me sweet Jesus”. The place cards have her seated directly next to none other than Heather. Mary breaks the ice offering her an olive brand saying “I like Heather”. Heather accepts the olive branch and tells the camera that Mary takes one of her stilettos, cuts your insides out, and then says “what’s for dinner?”. Someone comments that Mary looks good in her blond wig, which prompts Lisa to pull out her phone to show Mary a picture of hostess Jennie wearing a ridiculous platinum blond wig that she and Meredith put her in the other night at Meredith’s. Mary gets warmed up with a “well you do have yellow tones” (pretending that she’s referring to the wig), but it’s too subtle and gets no reaction. So she then goes in for the kill with a “I like the slanty eyes”. Right along with those ol’ sugar plum fairies asleep in their beds, visions of another one of Mary’s apologies are already dancing in my head. Noboby says anything, but we immediately get a talking head of Jennie saying “Did she really just say she liked my slanty eyes?”. At this point I am literally trying not to bust out laughing, thus waking up my partner quietly sleeping upstairs.
As all the women continue to perform their best fake niceties, Whitney gets the ball rolling by (loudly) whispering to Jen, “Am I like tripping on ‘shrooms or are we like all doing fake nice?”. Mary takes the bait and says “So you think we’re all being fake?”. At this point, I realize that there are only a few minutes left, and I am overcome with panic that they are going to leave us hanging until after the new year, but then I realize that my DVR is telling me that there is a full hour left. At first, I’m thinking that Bravo has once again piggybacked a WWHL (or even worse, some stupid struggling Bravo show like Porsha’s Family Matters) onto the back end of of HW episode, but it turns out that they have gifted us with a “supersized” episode to get us through the holidays! While I am excited, I’m realizing that it’s going to be a really late night, even for me. Oh well, it IS the holidays, so WTF, on with the story.
In a hilarious scene that goes on for the remaining full half hour, all the ladies start yelling about who was and wasn’t talking the most shit about Jen. Then in a completely weird turn of events, Mary takes a now sobbing Jen aside to tell her how ALL of the women have ripped her to shreds (except for her), completely ignoring that fact that just two minutes before, SHE was the one questioning Jen on why the Feds would be targeting her, “out of millions of people, just out of the blue?”. In one blunder after the other, Mary accidentally (or intentionally?) replaces the word innocence with guilt, telling Jen “I don’t believe you’re innocent … I mean guilty!”.
It then becomes a game of musical chairs as they all take turns leaving the table and storming off. Lisa tries to convince the group that she’s still suffering from PTSD, ever since Jen’s arrest. But Meredith isn’t having it and proclaims that Jen’s abuse (of Brooks) traumatized her entire family for two years! All the while, we have have poor Jen Shah saying, “Hey wait, what about me? I’M the one fighting for me freedom here!”.
This truly was an epic episode, that will undoubtedly get another watch (or two) out of me. Jen Shah’s situation is beginning to make Teresa Giudice and Erika Jayne’s respective sags look like a walk in the park, and like Tre and Kunty, you gotta give it to Jen for showing up and putting it all out there. In fact, these episodes are being done so well, that if it wasn’t for the Fed’s involvement, the thought that this is all a huge publicity stunt has entered my mind on more than one occasion. I mean, can Jen really be this cool and convincing? Dare I say, I feel like I’m actually beginning to believe her.
There will be no (new) episode this Sunday, but this one left us with plenty to talk about! Still, I'm hoping this Wednesday's RHOC is even half as good as this.
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