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RHOSLC Recap: A House Divided

 

The women are still in Vail. It’s still the wee hours of the night, and all the women still look like the little girl on the Swiss Miss boxes, but with bloodshot eyes. After a lot of pressure to spill it, Lisa finally dropped the “Cameron mortgaged his house to give Pastoress Mary $300K” bomb. We get the proverbial flashback scene of Cameron telling Lisa “When Mary and Robert want money, they call church meetings and beat you down until they get what they want.”. For me, what’s meant to be a mic drop moment only comes off a garden variety case of vulnerable idiot buyers remorse. Parishioners of every denomination have been making tithes to their churches since Jesus physically walked the Earth, but RHOSLC is on a mission to bash the Mormon Church, so take it for what you will. How Mary continues to associate herself to this show is the real mystery. For what it’s worth, Cameron died earlier this year, so he cannot even be questioned.

 

Shrek cuts right to the chase and questions whether said tithes (offerings) were used inappropriately, like say to pay for Mary’s odor-gland surgeryl (or her seven houses). On second thought, bitch could be in trouble. Meredith is outraged, and will not be a part of what she deems is a baseless persecution, but she then completely contradicts herself by pointing out that ALL of them suspected that Jen Shah was up to no good, but simply ignored it … and look what happened! She then equates Mary’s situation to her annoying gay son, Brooks, being cyber bullied (by Jen).

 

Lisa insists that she cried with Cameron and believes every word he said, she abruptly announces that she’s going to bed. But instead she makes a bee line for Mary’s room to “seek an honest friendship” cover her ass. Lisa asks Mary point blank if people think she’s God, as they run flashbacks of Jen and Whitney telling Lisa that (they have heard that) Mary is a cult leader who has brainwashed her congregation into putting themselves on welfare in order to keep Mary in ugly designer clothes. Predictably, a tearful Mary then kills the messenger by questioning Lisa’s loyalty, but the hurt quickly turns to revenge as she tells Lisa that Jen “messed with the wrong one”.

 

The next morning, Mary attempts to buy Jennie’s loyalty with a pair of obnoxious Loubie ankle boots. You will remember that Mary and Jennie didn’t exactly hit it off, and it turns out that earlier, Jennie had extended an olive branch by doing Mary’s makeup for her. Just when I’m thinking that Mary might in fact possess human emotion, she actually tells Jennie that she simply pulled the boots from her throw away pile.

 

Meanwhile, Whitney questions Heather over hearing laughter coming from her room the night before, presumably between Heather, Lisa, and Mary. Whitney is understandably confused because it was Heather leading the allegations against Mary, only an hour before. Clearly caught off guard, Heather feeds Whitney a bunch of BS, assuring her that she’s still on board with taking Mary down. Saved by the bell, Heather runs downstairs to greet her long lost sister whom she’s been estranged to since they were teenagers. We are then subjected to a poorly scripted scene of family therapy which quite frankly, I sped right through.

 

As all the ladies pack up to leave, hostess Meredith wants some “final resolve” over the controversy about Mary the night before, so she gathers all the women into the living room where there are croissants and coasters. She wants some “final resolve” on all the issues about so they can conclude the trip on a high note. To set up the scene, Whitney tells the group (and us in a talking head) that it was Lisa herself who invited this Cameron accuser to her event, knowing damn well that HE would be spilling the tea about Mary, and that way HER hands would be clean. As Lisa blurts out “Whoa, what’s happening here?”, Meredith admits to taking the bait and profusely apologizes to Mary. We then learn that Jen wasn’t the only recipient of Mary’s kindness that morning; it turns out Mary gave all the ladies (except for Whitney) an array of Louie bags, Chanel clutches, and whatever else Mary could fit into her luggage.

 

The entire last twenty minutes is all about Mary, but due to time, website space, and my ongoing laptop issues, I'm going to just wrap this up by listing some of the words that actually came out of Mary's mouth.

 

“I don’t know why I owe any of you an explanation and why it would be a conversation.”

 

“You’re exhausting. Ugh. Ehh.”.

 

“I don’t care.”.

 

"I haven’t given it to her yet and it’s none of your business.”.

 

“No one questioned Jen. I didn’t ask for my life, my inheritance, to compare me with what’s going on with her, that’s evil.”.

 

“I could have manipulated you.” About Meredith’s apologies: “Truth of the matter, if you were a good friend this would not be happening and I want my purse back”.

 

“Because I believe in what I do.  I was given it, and I took it on like a woman!! and I was a child and I believe in God. I believe in rescue. I believe in deliverance.  I believe in it all!".

 

“I was born in money, okay? I didn’t ask for it. It was given to me. Now that I know that all you guys go from Jen to me, Heather doing all her yelling, her chubby self …”.

 

“I’ve been through this my whole life, people hating me for my lifestyle.” About having a God complexes: “I’m not God — I worship the god in me, and he's in me!”.

 

“When I think about Jen, I see a heartless thug, like you know, like those Mexican people.”.

 

Needless to say, Meredith did not get the "final resolve" that she was hoping for, but of course there would be no show if she did. Heather and Whitney are particularly butt hurt, so instead of joining the ladies on a private jet back, they decide to fly commercial.

 

About halfway through this episode (which I'm just now getting around to seeing), it dawns on me that RHOSLC is killing it this season, and as the preview indicates, there is still a lot more to come, expecially when Jen Shah returns next week.