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Old Testament, New Revelations

 

Sorry this is so late kids, but I'm working out some techinical glitches on the site and running late on everything. Before we start running down this week’s episode, it’s worth noting that on Friday, November 19, Jen Shah’s assistant, Stuart Smith, changed his plea from not guilty to guilty on all charges of wire fraud, money laundering, and obstruction. ShrekThis is obviously devastating news for the boss lady herself, and as I said last week, it's looking like she's Shah Fcked.

 

It's night one in Vail, and the women are still at the dinner table discussing Jen's arrest earlier that day.  Shrek shares a story about how she recently put Jen in an Uber, but later discovered that Jen got out of the car at some intersection, and dissappeared into the night (presumably WITH someone other than Coach Shah).  Are Uber drivers in the habit of reporting the whereabouts of their passengers?  Anyway, Flipflopper Heather then declares that they all need to "piece together Jen's inconsistencies". In agreement, Whitney proclaims, "If we don't share what we know (about Jen) .... we're in danger!". Lisa then begins to sob, "I feel so deceived  because I don't think we know who she is!". She tells the women that she fears that Jen is leading a "double life", and goes on about how after she and Jen discussed “bleep's" (Stuart's?) assault accusations, Jen sent a bunch of rude texts, which somehow is a problem because Lisa’s kids were in the car. Turns out that the entire group has been on the receiving end of Jen Shah's text raging, as well as anonymous texts from someone who says they have receipts of their respective racism. Lisa notes that the sender spells because as "bcuz", just like Jen Shah does.

 

Meredith tells the group that she hired a private investigator because her family was being physically threatened, and by "family" we can only assume that she's referring to her twat-traumatized twink son, Brooks. She then asks for a show of hands from everyone who has ever been "victimized" by Jen Shah, and if they want to be remain friends. Sidenote: It's easy to imagine Kyle asking her cast the same question (about LVP) right around season 8.  Token Asian chick, Jennie, tells us that she's uncomfortable with the Jen bashing (behind her back) and reminds us that everyone should be presumed innocent.  Whatevs, I guess that's the way they roll in Vietnam.

 

LDS escapee, Heather, goes on a rant about the true meaning of “ride or die friendships”, and then vows to visit Jen in prison. See this is where Shrek and I differ, because if found out that a friend of mine made their living ripping off the elderly in a telemarking scam, let's just say that they wouldn't be receiving a C.A.R.E. package of Mint Milanos in the slammer from me any time soon.

 

The next morning, a wigless corn-rowed Mary saunters down to the kitchen in ugly 4th of July pajamas and encounters Whitney, who is for some weird reason, still trying to get into Mary's good graces. As a peace offering, she offers Mary an egg (as in singular). Mary non-graciously accepts, and then proceeds to microwave the egg because she didn't see Whitney wash her hands. This was strike one for me throughout this episode as far as Mary goes.

 

Over a quick breakfast the women discuss their plans for the day. Hostess Meredith offers them two options; a shopping/ice skating twofer, or a day of dog sledding. Shrek, Jennie, and Whitney choose dog sledding, giving them the opportunity to show off their new snow bunny outfits, while Mary, Lisa, and Meredith opt for a day of shopping and figure skating in Vail's quaint Village Square. Before leaving for a day of shopping, Meredith and Lisa wrap themselves up in fur blankets, and retreat to the deck to continue a conversation about Mary that actually started the night before. Lisa had made some cryptic, but potentially scandalous comments about Mary and her church, but try as she might, Meredith is unable to get Lisa to talk. So she gives up and decides that she’ll just ask Mary herself when they go shopping.

 

Back in Salt Lake City, Jen is meeting with one of her fame whore attorneys. Clayton, who makes Giudice loiya “Jim” seem legit. It's the first time we've seen Jen since the arrest. She looks good.  She has traded in the corn row braids and animal fur thug ho’ chicness for respectable "Kim K. attorney" realness. Jen uses every second of the scene to not only profess her innocence, but to garner sympathy and portray herself as a victim. You see, everything is happening “to” poor Jen, and she tells we viewers (potential jurors) that her only fault is that she’s “too” giving. She then tries to say that the phone call on the bus displayed Coach Shahthief’s phone number, but it wasn’t his voice, and the person on the other end instructed her to go home, get Omar, and meet him at the University of Utah Hospital. Sure Jan Jen.

 

In Vail, all the ladies wear dumb sexy Swiss Miss costumes for a nausea inducing cheese fondue dinner. Sour puss Mary is dreading the evening, is feeling rushed, and running late. She tells us that this is why she doesn’t like group trips. Before dinner, Whitney whips out her “shot ski”, which really should have come with a flashing blurb at the bottom of the TV screen reading “Genuine Andy Cohen Shot Ski … Just $154.95 … Order Now!”. When Pastor Mary passes on the shotski, Lisa tries to cajole her in having just a small one, and Mary rudely snaps, “Did you not not hear me? I said I’m good.” (strike two). Mary then tells us in a confessional that “Whitney needs a lot of attention, and it’s exhausting giving it to her”. Fair enough (so no strike there).

 

After dinner, the women retreat to the freezing deck for s’mores on the fire pit, and again wet blanket Mary just isn’t having it. She feels feels unheard, and out loud, she says “This is why I need to go to bed, because in this group, you’re not talking; you’re just talking to yourself”. She then tells the group that she’s going to bed because she doesn’t want to be a Debbie Downer, but of course it’s WAY too late for that. The women all glare at her as if to say, “Look bitch, if we have to sit out here freezing our asses off at 2am, so do you”. Mary then warns Heather, “Just make sure you don’t wind up in my bed” (a definite strike three for me). Heather is visibly annoyed, but wisely opts to handle the jab with humor, making Mary look like even more of a c*nt.

 

With a few (or ten) glasses of courage in her, Whitney mistakenly thinks that this is the right time to bring up her issues with Mary, and begins by telling her that she was really hurt when Mary told her that they really never were friends (at the cooking class). If you recall, Whitney is now dead to Mary because Whitney committed the Cardinal sin of not picking up (or returning) a phone call. Whitney naively thinks that Mary is capable of moving on, and is simply asking for an apology, but Mary is bored with the conversation and pretends to nod off on Meredith’s shoulder. They go back and forth as Mary tells Whitney that she doesn’t listen to her, to which Whitney replies, “I’m not your child Mary”. Mary retorts, “Thank God you’re not”, and then goes to bed.

 

The conversation then turns to the scuttlebutt over Mary and the questionable going ons at her church. Once again, they pressure Lisa into spilling what she knows, this time using Jen Shah’s situation as an analogy of what happens when the women ignore their instincts. So finally, Lisa blurts out that her (now deceased since filming) friend, Cameron, mortgaged his house to give Mary’s parish $300K!.

 

We will have to wait until next week to see Mary’s response, but I’m guessing the sh*t is about to hit the fan. It seems clear to me that Mary has become the LVP of this group, and she is as good as gone. Like LVP, Mary’s once entertainingly funny sense of humor has now become bitchy and off putting, and I suspect that that this group is done with her.  Well into their second season, Mary feels like even more of an outsider, and her interaction with the cast has become cringeworthy.  Recalling Mary’s recent disastrous stint on WWHL, I can't remember the last time we saw Andy Cohen so visibly frustrated and annoyed.  Oh wait, yes I can ... it was the last time he had on (the late) Kelly Dodd.