The episode starts off with what has become a familiar scene in the housewife world; that is some particular drama or event which will become the story line which drives the season. In this case, it is an arrest. The women are all piling into a limo van, headed out on a girl’s trip when Jen gets a call. She’s a cool one, but the panic on her face and in her voice is palpable as she asks Whitney to help her turn off and take off her mic. She exists the party bus and jumps into a pickup truck. Moments later, we hear sirens, see a helicopter circling, and a half dozen NYPD and HSI (Homeland Security Investigations) agents descending on a parking lot and Shah’s (new) home with arrest and search warrants. From her phone, Whitney reads a headline that says “Real Housewife star charged in massive fraud and money laundering scheme”.
By now you’ve heard that Jen Shah was indeed arrested on charges of wire-fraud conspiracy and money-laundering conspiracy for her role in an alleged telemarketing scheme. She potentially faces a 20-30 year maximum prison sentences for each charge. This is probably a good time to say that while we all love to snark on the mindless escapism of reality television, ripping off the elderly out of their life savings is some serious shit. Just ask Apollo Nida. As with all the other HW shows, the rest of the season, or at least half of the season, is basically a flashback leading up to Shah’s arrest.
We begin with Lisa arriving at Jen’s new “Shah Chalet 2.0” (the lease expired on the other one). Wearing a snake skin jumpsuit and white platform heels, Jen takes Lisa on a tour. It is very apparent from the get go, that just as they did with Teresa Giudice and ARE doing with Erika Jayne, the producers are heavily featuring the “evidence” of Jen’s over-the-top extravagant life$tyle and $pending. Lisa does her already iconic “I love that” as she tours Jen’s closet showcasing a truly amazing collection of designer clothes, shoes, boots, and handbags. Jen tells us "We hired movier, and they said they never saw so many clothes, shoes, and purses in all their lives". Apparently telemarketing schemes are quite lucrative. Jen tells Lisa that she and her partner in crime husband, coach Sheriff, almost got divorced (surely a prophetic situation of what's to come).
BTW, just so we’re all caught up, Lisa is friends with both Jen and Meredith who are fighting, so she’s stuck in the middle. It seems Meredith is mad at Jen for “liking” derogatory SM posts about her obnoxiously gay son, Brooks. The scene ends with Jen actually uttering these words …. “Girl, you know I’ll go to jail for you. I haven’t gone to jail yet.”.
Heather arrives at Meredith’s new home, another cold and uninviting Scandinavian model home, but with a better view. Meredith reports that she and husband Seth are “good”. Side note: Last season, although nobody ever actually said it (out loud), but there were rumblings of Meredith enjoying some extra-curricular time with the local ski instructor while husband Seth was away on business (reportedly doing his own thing as well). Heather channels Yolanda Foster and the Richards sisters, sharing her anxiety over her daughter heading off for college and hopes that unlike herself who was (falsely) labeled a “good time girl”, she hopes that her daughter becomes one for real. Yes, don’t we all hope that our daughters get passed around a fraternity house like a bong? This is why I can't stand Shrek.
Speaking of bongs, we check in with Pastoress Mary, who is doing a podcast during the Covid lock down, as a means to collect from continue spreading the word of Jesus to her flock. During her “Talking Facts With Mary Cosby” podcast, she confesses that she used to smoked weed. Shocking.
We then meet the newest token Asian housewife, Jennie, who came to the United States at the age of 7 after a church in CA rescued her from pirates who captured her while fleeing Vietnam. Whoa, kind of makes Tiffany Moon’s childhood seem normal, doesn't it? Jennie makes it onto the show via Lisa Barlow, whom she met while they were both pregnant. They literally bumped bellies into each other at a PTA meeting years ago. Jennie seems like a really fun chick, and has a cute family as well. Case in point; Jennie's young daughter tells Lisa that she only gets "A's" (never B's), because she's Asian not Basian. Being Caucasian, I guess this tells you know how well I did in school.
We also meet Jen Shah’s Auntie Nani, who looks like one of those fat headhunter women who Gilligan was always being forced to marry on Gilligan’s Island. Seeing this woman also reminded me that Jen Shah was actually Polynesian before she turned herself into an odd mix of Kim Kardashian and Mercedes Javid (Shahs of Sunset). Auntie Nani has bionic legs and it suddenly occurs to me that this must be the women who recently had her legs amputated, and whom Mary said smelled like “hospital”.
There are a few other (filler) scenes in this supersized premier as well; one with a drunk Whitney parading around in a bikini doing Andy Cohen “Shotskeys” with her dorky stepson (and his friends) for his birthday, and then jumping into a hot tub with them.
Then there is another scene of Heather, Meredith, Mary, and Whitney meeting for dinner in one of those stupid outdoor bubble contraptions that many restaurants set up to get around CDC regulations. They talk about Jen calling Shrek a racist, Jen’s homophobia, and the time when Jen flashed her vag at Brooks.
Speaking of traumatized twinks, the final scene begins with Brooks preparing holy bread for a Shabbat dinner, (like the one we recently saw on RHONY), not to be confused with the mind altering Shaman soiree that we were subjected to on RHOD. Meredith is having Lisa and her family (Jewish by heritage, Mormon by choice) over to honor Meredith’s recently departed father. Both families gather around the kitchen island as Lisa and Meredith begin to discuss what else, Jen. The kids are all in, but the husbands head out onto the terrace to admire the Mark’s new and improved view. Lisa thinks Meredith should take the first step and “allow” Jen to apologize to her, even though Jen never agreed to it.
All in all, it appears that the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City are off to a really good start. In this sophmore season, they are heavily featuring the breathtaking city, the mountains, and of course all the snow. Each of the women seem to be bringing it, and I just hope it doesn't all fall to shit the way last season did. But if the coming attractions are any indication, it doesn't look like we are in any danger of that.
© 2021 allaboutrealitytea.com