Moms. Missions, and Matrimony


Poor Whitney, she so enjoyed putting Justin down for the last year by telling the world how SHE is the big bread winner, but now she has a bug up her butt because Justin has the audacity to go back to work.    Forget the fact that it was because of this show that he was fired.  Apparently the powers-that-be were not real keen on watching one of their executives writhing around naked on the floor in wet paint, and then doing his ex-comminicated wife doggie style on nat'l television.  Whitney got so used to Justin playing Mr. Mom, and now she fears she's going to have to go back to her old mundane life of providing a stable home life for her children.  But lucky for Whitney, just like all emasculated men these days, Justin vows to continue "picking up the slack".  



Over at the Barlow residence, John is going through his old missionary stuff with Jack and tears up in his confessional talking about how proud he is. He also tells us that Jack actually told him two weeks before he told Lisa (insert an "uh oh" here ____).  Nonetheless, both parents reiterate how supportive they are of his decision.  However, Lisa warns Jack that he might not like the companions he’s stuck with and then tells an incredible Single White Female story about her college roommate. “I came home, and she was in my room wearing all my clothes and sitting on my bed, and I’m like, ‘What are you doing?’ and she’s like, ‘Oh, I just wanted to see what it would be like to be you for a day’ and it was really creepy."  Is anyone else imagining the same thing happening between Monica and Jen Shah?


Speaking of Jen Shah, Monica buddies up to Heather, via one of those dumb HW scenes where the women play tourists in their own cities, and because this is SLC, they're  snow mobiling.  After seeing the interaction between Monica and her mother at Angie’s Easter brunch.  Heather reached out because production told her that it reminded her of how she feels about her own mother.  Though Heather says she was always a great mom, they grew apart after Heather’s divorce, which was hard for her entire family to accept.


But one SLC activity isn’t enough to hash out all these mommy issues, so later in the episode, the pair go cross-country skiing with Whitney and Meredith.  After hitting the snow, they have a little tailgate where the ladies ask Monica about her new car, which she tells them is a rental (just like her Louie bag?)  She explains that her actual car is in her mom’s name, and whenever she gets mad, she comes and takes it, even though Monica is the one who makes the payments (yeah bitch, that's how it works).  Whitney then jumps in with her own mommy issues revealing that she didn’t talk to her mom for 13 years because she left the church. Apparently, Witless only had certain parts of erased from her brain. 


Speaking of which, Whitney invites them all to Bobbi’s 13th birthday party, including Meredith, whom she has to have an awkward conversation with. Since Angie will be there, Whitney feels uncomfortable with how Meredith has been talking about the rumors and points out that this is just the latest in Meredith’s pattern. “It was the same thing with Jen, with Lisa, with Mary, and now it’s Angie.”


But Meredith doesn’t want to talk about that. What she does want to talk about is how Whitney didn’t reach out to her quickly enough when she heard about her car accident. In her confessional, Whitney says this is another one of Meredith’s impenetrable shields that she throws up to shut people down, knowing that nobody can challenge it. But at the end of the day, Meredith says she’s not inflicting harm or wishing ill on anybody, including Angie.


In what had to be a production ordered effort to patch things up with Mary, Whitney face times with her.  After groveling at the psycho bitch's feet, Mary agrees to meet, but forewarns her, "OK, but if I don’t feel it, I’m not showing up.” 



As the two sit down in the crowded restaurant, a few moments of awkward silence ensues.  Whitney then opens by telling Mary how she was missed at Angie's Easter brunch.  Mary's response:  "Well I didn't miss IT".  It immediately becomes obvious that this meeting is going nowhere, but still, Whitney forges on and begins apologizing to Mary for talking shit about her.  But Mary doesn't want to hear it and tells Whitney she severed any future the pair ever may have had.  Despite Mary's combative demeanor, Whitney is now ready for HER apology (girlfriend really needs to learn how to read a room).


Mary has zero interest in meeting her halfway, let alone apologizing to Whitney for the diatribe that SHE texted, and then takes that as her cue to leave. What follows is the longest “storming out” in HW history, as Mary puts on her coat and gathers her things to leave.  She tells Whitney that calling her (and her grand huzbin') "predators" is a false equivalency, and then spews the meme-worthy words that we've been waiting for all season, “Wake up, bobblehead!”  But Mary is not leaving without her food, which she waits for the server to put in a to-go box.  Witless not only continues pleading with Mary for her to stay, but then allows herself to be embarrassed even more when she's left sitting alone in the middle of the crowded dining room.  Of course, any quick thinking HW would have tipped off the staff that a "dine and dash" was in progress, but as we all know, Witless just ain't that quick.



Monica is still fuming because she feels like her mother, Linda, didn't have her back at Angie's Easter brunch, and of course Heather's butting in and sharing with Monica her own whiny assed story about her alleged lousy mother isn't helping.  So Monica meets Linda for dinner hoping to patch things up, but at the same time feels like it's time to stand up to her mother.  As they sit at the center table in the crowded restaurant, Linda immediately starts crying. 


An unbothered Monica plops down like a spoiled child about to be scolded.  With impeccable comedic timing, Linda ask the waiter, “Excuse me, can I get a straw?” In fact, this entire conversation is in a comedic masterclass by itself, whether our two performers know it or not. Wiping away her tears, Monica’s mom starts the conversation by saying, “I watched a movie about an older lady in Croatia who had issues with her mom. The mom died before they resolved their issues ... I don’t want that to happen with us.”


But Monica feels like Linda is starting to play the victim, so she stops her in her tracks and begins to set her straight, bringing up the trauma she allegedly endured at the tender age of 12, when Linda dumped her off with friends and then hightailed it to NYC where she could live her best life.  Linda denies the allegation, and then minimalizes Monica's feelings by more or less calling her a drama queen.  No argument there. 


But then it starts to get weird when an angry Linda yells that she’s not going to talk to her like “a weak-ass bitch".  Mind you the entire restaurant is now watching these two go at it.  Of course, the hapless waiter then shows up just as Monica asks, “Did you just call me a fucker?” Mom then clarifies by saying, “Motherfucker. I called you a motherfucker", as she helps herself to Monica’s guacamole (which she calls a “pretty dessert”).  After being corrected on what guacamole is, Linda says that they have to be able to be vulnerable with each other to get to the root of their issues. But Monica already thinks that the root of the issue is being abandoned as a child, and apologizing for her at Angie's Easter brunch made her relive the abandonment.  Linda then frantically begins searching for an aspirin in her purse.  The exchange between these two is pure voyeuristic entertainment. 


Monica then begins to diagnose the situation by bringing up Linda’s own mother, pointing out a pattern of generational trauma and the trickle-down effect that it’s had on them.  Seems Linda's relationship with her own mother has been damaged from the beginning, and after meeting that wretched old woman, I suspect Monica may be onto something here.  Linda then calls her “Monica Darnell,” which annoys Monica because that’s not her name anymore. “That’s the name I gave you,” she says. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what the fuck your name is; you change it every fucking week.”


When Monica mentions her mother leaving her in the trunk of a car while she was making out with a man, Linda says, “That happened one time.” Once again, it’s just incredible (albeit unintentional) comic timing.  Ultimately, they fail to find any resolution, and Linda says that the only way for them to get through this is with therapy, which Monica agrees to.  Yeah therapy would probably wouldn't hurt, but if I were Linda, I would be on the phone with my agent, instructing him to ink a new deal with Bravo, because whatever they're paying these two, it isn't enough.