Apres Rumor

Last week, Angie won her desperately sought-after snowflake when she was told that Meredith was spreading rumors about her husband sleeping with men — a Housewives rite of passage. Naturally, Angie wastes no time storming over to Meredith to confront her about spreading this rumor, which Meredith categorically denies. Did she say she heard rumors about Angie’s husband? Yes. Did she say what they were? Absolutely not. This isn’t Meredith’s first rodeo.

In fact, this is all right out of the Meredith Marks playbook. She alludes to an unspoken rumor, then lets somebody else do the dirty work of actually verbalizing what it is on camera, leaving her hands clean. Most of this is done with her head cocked to the side. This entire confrontation is happening while Meredith wears a cream turtleneck and cape set, giving us an idea of what it would look like if Nancy Meyers directed a superhero movie. And faster than a speeding bullet, she’s gone as soon as Angie accuses her of being the only person stepping out on their marriage.

But Angie’s not done and continues following these women around like a mosquito, crouching beside a seated Meredith like a parent trying to regain control of an unruly toddler. But Angie would have better luck getting a Cocomelon-watching toddler’s attention than she would getting Meredith to engage.

So instead, the rest of the women are caught up to speed, with most of them acting like this is the first time they’re hearing the rumor. Monica thinks they’re all feigning shock since this is apparently well-known gossip around SLC, and Heather vouches for the rumor’s long history. If a man in Utah wears a cardigan, they think he’s gay, she says, so imagine what they think about a male hairdresser.

True that Heather, but has anyone within the sound of my voice ever encounterd a straight male hairdresser? But don't go by me, I always thought Floyd the barber on Andy Girffith was probably an old mo'.

Not surprisingly, Mary couldn’t care less about the rumor, probably because she’s still unsure of who Angie even is, let alone her husband Shawn. What she is concerned about is the lack of food at Lisa’s party, and she requests a pizza to go, and then berating the caterers for not putting it in the to-go box for her. Mary is exactly the kind of c-word whom we would have drizzled some anchovy oil over her "poke' shaushiage" pizza when I worked at Pizza Hut as a teen. BTW, that wasn't a typo ... it's a cold hard fact that most women of color cannot pronounce the word "sausage", and I can guarantee you that this illiterate moron is one of them.

The next day at Angie’s house, she has to break the news to her alleged heterosexual husband. The camera immediately focuses on a framed photo of Shawn in a suit and newsboy cap posing beside a pony, which BTW, is not helping her case at all ... and neither is the lingering shots of Shawn cuddling in the ginormous king sized bed with the pink poodle. We find out that this isn’t a new rumor, but as Heather suggested, but one that he’s undoubtedly had to listen to for thirty years as a male hairdresser.

Shawn tearfully reacts to the rumor (which I didn't see coming at all) ... not so much for himself, but more over the adulturous connotations that the rumor evokes. He then gets even more upset at the thought of their daughter Elektra hearing about it, informs Angie that Meredith Marks is banned from ever setting foot in their home. In her confessional, Angie explains that infidelity is particularly bad when you’re Greek, because it’s against their religion. Angie mentions being Greek a lot. Incidentally, speaking of my youth (again), I once dated a girl who dumped me for a (very hot) big ol' strapping Greek dude named Harry. She used to share with me that "the myth about Greek men" (and anal sex) was no myth at all; that in Greek culture, the vag is for reproductive purposes only. She told me that she cried like a baby at first, but eventually got used to it. Considering this girl was 4'9" and about 90 lbs., my heart went out to her ... but thinking back, I was probably a little jealous as well.

Anyway, where were we? Ah yes ... meanwhile, Lisa and her son Jack go get pedicures. Just as I'm beginning to wonder, exactly what kind of a "retreat" are we talking here, Jack fills us in on the specifics of his mission plans. He says he’s in the process of reading the Book of Mormon and describes it as “very action-packed.” Lisa herself hasn’t read it, and we hear more about her wishy washy approach to being Mormon. She explains that they go to church every Sunday, but she isn’t worthy enough to go into the “pretty” temples. The discrepancy between her relationship with the church and Jack’s is fascinating, especially as that gap grows, but the distance it puts between them upsets her.

Whitney and Lisa visit Angie to see how she's handling Meredith's attack on ~~her marriage~~ Shawn. Having been through a very similar situation with Meredith last season, Lisa begins to make it all about HER. She says she can relate to what Angie is going through, but finds herself stuck in the middle. She’s clearly on Angie’s side, but she’s also finally rebuilding her own friendship with Meredith, and doesn’t want to jeopardize that. How or why Lisa would WANT to be friends with someone like Meredith is another subject entirely.

So instead, they turn their attention to Monica, who was the one who actually blurted out the rumor in the first place. Whitney thinks she was just being a good friend to Angie, but Lisa (obviously still miffed about the Snoop Dogg story) says Monica likes to make stuff up. Gee, ya think?

But Meredith remains the target for Angie’s rage now that she has smoothed things over with Heather in Palm Springs. In a flashback, we see that Heather invited Angie over to paint birdhouses, where they buried the hatchet. This revelation triggers Lisa (again), because she never got that kind of support from Heather. Angie has one bad weekend, and she’s getting patted on the back for getting through it; meanwhile, Lisa’s been going through hell for three years, and nobody’s inviting her to paint birdhouses!

We find out that Meredith and her friend Kathy got into a car accident after after leaving Lisa's party while driving in a snowstorm. Apparently the driver lost control, almost sending them careening over a cliff. At first, I was amazed that they caught it on film as images of Kathy Bates showing up to rescue them filled my mind, but then I realized that it was just a dramatic re-enactment. Meredith feared that her final moments on Earth would be spent talking to Angie, which in her mind, is worse than any encounter with "Annie Wilkes".

As a result, Meredith decides that she would much rather spend her time with people she loves, so she’s goes snow~~boarding~~ shoeing with Brooks. In an unintentionally hilarious scene that immediately follows, we see mother and son driving along treacherous snowy mountain roads with Brooks in the driver's seat ... wearing his snow goggles. When they reach their destination, Meredith cautions Brooks to do a lot of stretching before they begin their exercise, but he assures mom that he's getting "stretched" by plenty of dudes. Wait, Brooks is gay? I never would have guessed.

Meanwhile, Monica and her mom are taking crabby old grandma to play some cards at some local senior center. As soon as they arrive, Nana ditches them and leaves Monica and her mom to fight over who’s a better mother. Monica tells her mom that things have to change, starting with she better start knocking when she comes to visit, because one of these days, she liable to catch her 69-ing on the couch with God knows who. As their conversation get heated and loud, grandma scolds them from across the room for cursing at her card game.

The episode ends with Heather and Whitney skiing. Heather is surprised that cousin Witless doesn’t have any real opinion feelings about Jack’s mission trip. She finds it troubling how Whitney can view the church as this horrible institution, but is fine with Jack going to door to door trying to recruit others to join his mission. This isn't to say that Heather didn't have some positive experiences on her own mission, but she feels a tremendous amount of shame and guilt about convincing unsuspecting people to join a religion that she now calls homophobic, transphobic, racist, and sexist. Personally, I think that in her heart, Heather is just as Mormon as she ever was, but sold her soul to the devil for a few bucks.