Double Feature:  Don't Be a Drag/Nastiness and Rumors

 

 

It's the morning after, and the entire cast has rallied, which is no small feat, especially for Heather.  Pity the poor production assistant who was assigned the task of cleaning up Heather's five regurgitated Expresso Martinis.  I'm recalling a certain night many years ago when I was overserved one too many White Russians ... yeah, it wasn't pretty.   I just hope that for the girl's sake (riding in the van the next the day), that they left the windows of the sprinter van open overnight. 

 

The ladies all emerge from their drunken slumbers wearing “No Trix, All Trust” T-shirts which Meredith has gifted them all with ... that is all except Angie, whom Meredith claims she didn't know was coming on the trip.  Fair enough, but the real truth is, Meredith is now even more annoyed with Angie after being what she calls "slandered" by Angie the night before. So Angie grabs a white tee and a pink Sharpie, and makes a T-shirt of her own, changing up the wording to “All Trix, No Trust”. Angie says, “It was either make this T-shirt or call out a hit on her family.”

 

I like that Angie is not letting Meredith or anyone else in the cast exclude her on anything.  BTW, someone needs to let Meredith know that we know that the trips are decided on, planned, and paid for by production, not the cast members. Having said that, Meredith production has planned a day of trust-building exercises.

 

They all load up into the sprinter van, which Heather unconvincingly assures them is a different one than the one she threw up in, and it's off for a day of some trust-building exercises. For me, these dumb exercises are right up there with the "housewife competitions" ... they always feel like they’re on a corporate retreat, rather than what is supposed to be a fun girls’ trip.

 

As usual, Mary refuses to participate, so we get an equally annoying scene of her sitting alone in the van.  She rambles on to herself aloud, noting that a road sign reads ‘humps" instead of ‘bumps”, and then orders the van driver to find a McDonalds.  When the women return to the van, Meredith calls Mary out for skipping the activity.  Mary explains that she isn’t ready to build trust with this group yet, which promps Whitney to ask, “Why would you come on a trip with people you don’t wanna be with?"  Finally!  I've been waiting for someone (anyone) to ask Mary this very thing all season long. But I'm still hoping that someone in the cast says to Mary what Lisa Rinna famously said to Denise Richards .... "If you don't want to be here, then leave!"

 

 

Over a charcuterie board lunch, Whitney follows through with her threat, and announces to the group that she will be taking over for that night’s activities. Trixie will be returning for a drag-inspired makeup competition, which means they all have to take off their current faces of makeup to prepare. But Lisa Barlow is not having it, and becomes absolutely terror-stricken at the thought. “No!” she exclaims, and then immediately does what HW's do in a crisis ... she calls her husband.  He hysterically tells John Barlow that she hates themed activities, and secondly, has already flown in her glam squad.  “I spend $60,000 a year on glam,” she says, which of course equates to one ring.  She goes on about how glam is a daily thing for her, and not just for the cameras, “It’s for me to go to the grocery store.”  Personally, I think Lisa's money would be better spend on "fixing" those wrinkly jowls around her mouth. 

 

Lisa's meltdown results in a fourth-wall break that calls two producers along with Meredith, to try to talk Lisa off the ledge. “It’s my fucking face,” she cries into Meredith’s arms. “I have glam in Monaco, I have glam in Saint-Tropez, I have glam everywhere I go. I like to look a certain way when I’m out in public!” I really dow love a hysterical housewife.

 

Meanwhile, the rest of the women borrow massive blonde wigs from Trixie and throw together their tackiest looks for the competition. Finally, with their pussy's on fire and some sissy in their walks, the ladies emerge one by one to show off their drag looks.  Heather and Monica like they made it through a Tennessee tornado to get to a Dolly Parton lookalike contest, and Angie's just looked like a crazy person.  Whitney actually looked great (because let's be real; it's almost impossible for Whitney to look bad). Meredith, Mary, and Lisa look like themselves. But to Lisa’s credit, she does have a great line on refusing to participate, “I’m winning, because I get to look like me.”

 

Nonetheless, Monica thinks they’re being wet noodles. “If wet noodle looks like pretty girl in head to toe Isabel Marant with good makeup … then yeah, I’m a wet noodle,” Lisa says, creating another instant meme. But the dig stays with her, and she circles back to it in the sprinter van when Monica chastises them for not dressing up.  “This IS drag for me,” Lisa says, gesturing to herself, and technically, she’s probsbly not wrong.

 

Monica suddenly snaps back into character and pivots the conversation back to Lisa going on (and on and on) about her missing ring, which continues to rub Monica the wrong way.  This time Lisa uses a different logic, and refuses to apologize (for being rich and successful) herself, which pisses off Monica even more.. The fight continues into the bar, where Monica tells Lisa that middle-class people don’t have $60K rings, to which Lisa responds, “Yes, they do.” Lisa then brings up Monica's  fake Louis Vuitton bag as proof that she likes nice things too.  Checkmate. 

 

Back at the bar, Whitney tells Meredith that she was disappointed that she didn’t participate in the drag challenge either, although with Meredith it's hard to tell.  But she says she did her best with the makeup and wasn’t about to put on a 30-pound wig because of her headache. With that, Whitney hits the end of her rope with Meredith’s constant excuses, “So it’s someone’s sister-in-law’s grandson’s three-year-old, and it’s a headache, and it’s this and that,” she says.  As all the blood vessels in Meredith's neck begin to bulge, she screams, “Don’t you fucking go there; you’re a monster!”, accusing Whitney of weaponizing a sick child against her.  This leaves me wondering; does Meredith know a sick child, or is she just watching too many of those latenight commercials for St. Jude?

 

Meredith is done with the conversation, but having heard her name, Angie appears out of thin air like Beetlejuice, green hair and all. But Meredith refuses to engage with her desperation and fully turns her back on her. The only jab Angie is able to get in is, “You look like a trampoline with eyes.”  She would have done better with "Well you're a poo poo head!".

 

Angie claims that Monica is trying to pretend like she has no connection to Jen, which is a bizarre accusation since that was Monica’s big claim to fame just two episodes ago.  Unaware that Monica already told us all about it, Angie tries to drop the bombshell that Monica was Jen’s assistant.  I like Angie, but so far, Monica is a shoe-in for this year's HW Rookie of the Year award.  You know there's something terribly wrong when a broke thirsty climber like Monica overshadows a super rich actual real housewife. 

 

INTERMISSION

 

Episode 5 begins with Meredith and Lisa getting facials, just like old times.  Lisa is telling Meredith how she was banned from a Park City tanning salon for making a scene because they refused to tan her.  First of all, if turning into a raging "Karen" at a tanning salon doesn't get you hired as a housewife, I don't know what will.  Secondly, this tanning salon must have security-cameras, and I need to see the footage. 

 

The women get scans of their faces that display their imperfections with a splotchy blue photo.  Lisa is particularly horrified, and goes into full Blanche Devereaux mode like the time Dorothy had her look down at herself at a mirror on a table (ladies, please don't try this at home!).  I also wondered if it wasn't production getting back at Lisa for refusing to get into drag.  But this, she says, is worth taking all of her makeup off for. As they put on high-tech Jason–like masks, Lisa tells Meredith that she’s throwing an Après-No-Ski party and inviting all the ladies, even Monica (as if she has a choice).

 

Speaking of Monica, she and Whitney meet for lunch.  Whitney tells Monica that she is cautious about starting a friendship with her, because she is disturbed by the way she turns on her friends because she's sucking up to Meredith and Heather.  Monica's defense is that she has no problem calling out her friends when they’re in the wrong (like Angie and Lisa were). But Whitney warns Monica to be careful buddying up to Meredith because she has a history of threatening to expose the dirt on people, and her latest target is Angie.

 

Back at home, Whitney is celebrating Justin’s new job (with a cake that doesn't end up on the floor), but after a year of him being a stay-at-home dad, the family has to adjust to both parents working full-time.  Whitney cautions Justin that he's "falling back into his male dominant role".  Yeah ya dumb bitch, it's called being a good husband and provider for your children.  She doesn’t want all the responsibilities to fall back on her shoulders just because her husband is back at work, and wants to make sure they both can remain "present" in their kids’ lives during this transition.  Thankfully, he only took about one minute of her feminist psycho babble BS before basically telling her to get over it. 

 

 

After nodding off while Angie played cards with her family, we’re jolted back to Shrek's fake life when she and her daughters hit the slopes. After their ski runs, Heather uses a handful of snow to cool off their hot chocolates, and desperately tries to get her daughters to talk about the "bullying" situation at their school that the girls have been dealing with since the release of Bad Mormon.  They've allegedly been called the C-word, and even received a nasty delivery of cookies spelling out the word.  This leaves me wondering; what kind of cookies were they? Did they all say "cunt" on them or did four separate cookies spell it out?  But most importantly, were they at least yummy?  Well anyway, it backfires terribly, and the more Heather tries to get them to open up, the more they just laugh about it. 

 

Speaking of name-calling and bullying, the whole cast to come together at Lisa’s Après-No-Ski party, which actually starts off very well.  Lisa and Monica have a civil greeting before Lisa brings up her problem with how Monica went after her, saying there’s nothing wrong with being materialistic and that she works hard for her money. Monica tells her that everyone works hard, pointing out that even the caterers working the crêpe station are working hard. Fortunately for Lisa, she resists the urge to compete with her caterers, and tells Monica that she’s no different than any other guest at the party.

 

But Monica says that the other guests aren’t bragging about flying in a private jet with Snoop Dogg, an accusation that Lisa vehemently denies. In a confessional, Monica explains that she was dropping something off to Lisa at the airport for Jen when she heard her crying about how she could have been flying private with Snoop instead. “I do go on private jets, but never with Snoop Dogg. I would never say that,” Lisa shouts. Heather then chimes in to say SHE'S the one who’s hung out with Snoop Dogg, like that's some kind of good thing.   Cue the screen shot of Snoop and Heather in back in 2015.  Speaking of "good things", I wonder if Martha Stewart knows about this. 

 

Somehow, Whitney ends up in the middle of this fight, literally. Trapped between them in a booth, she plays mediator and actually succeeds.  Lisa feels that Monica has the wrong preconceived notion about her, and instead, should be  trying to get to know her.  Monica feels bad and says that’s not her intention, and with that, they finally put the issue to bed and hug it out.  The irony is, if Monica had a brain, she would be asking Lisa if they have a spot for her at Vida, instead of demonizing her.

 

Monica then sits down next to Mary.  When Monica asks Mary if she would like a crepe, Mary rudely says no, and then snubs her nose at the delicious looking desert.  Mary then asks Monica, “Do you eat vegetables?” It's an odd question that echoes her infamous, “you need nutrients” comment aimed at Lisa a few seasons ago, and especially odd considering we just watched her scarfing down a McRib and McNuggets in the Sprinter van.  But for whatever reason, Monica is desperate to be Mary's friend, and is willing to just lets her say anything she wants without ever taking umbrage.  I don't get it; Mary is not only socially awkward and just plain rude, but missing a few screws.  Heather understands this, too, and completely shrugs it off when Mary yells from across the room, “Heather, you totally missed it on that one". referring to her (albeit ugly) necklace. 

 

But one fight at the party apparently isn’t enough conflict for Monica, who tells Whitney what the dirt is that Meredith has on Angie. According to Monica, the rumor is that Angie’s husband, Shawn, sleeps with actually gay, and their entire marriage is fake.  But we knew this was coming the second we discovered he’s a hairdresser. At this point, there have been enough allegedly gay HW husbands to fill a Pride float.  Whitless Rose says, “Meredith should be the last fucking person to talk about this ...she even wore a shirt that said LGBTQ rights!"  

 

 

Whitney decides she simply MUST pass this along to Angie immediately, so they brace her for the news by making her take a drink from the ice luge before telling her. “Meredith lives to spread lies about other people’s marriages,” a furious Angie says, adding that the only one straying from their marriage is Meredith. But as angry as Angie’s words seem to be, I also spot a glimmer of excitement in her normally dead shark eyes. We can practically pinpoint the exact moment she realizes her spot on the show is secure. This is the snowflake-ensuring reaction that Angie needed from Meredith, and finally, after weeks of desperately nipping at her ankles, she's finally getting it.  Angie gets up and storms over to Meredith, with the camera following close behind. “Hey, Meredith, do you have a second?”

The screen then goes black.  BTW, aren't you glad I'm just now finishing this recap, because now we only have to wait until tomorrow night!