All Tricks, No Trust



After a turbulent journey, the rest of the cast finally arrives at the pink gates of the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs. Like the clown in heels herself, Mary is deeply confused as to who or what a Trixie is, but chances are, if you’re watching this show, let alone reading my recap, no explanations are necessary.  The motel is unique, but the chances of me and mine ever staying there are about as great as us buying Barbie on laserdisk ... it's never gonna happen.  Besides that, I can hurl just looking at a bottle of Pepto Bismol.   


Trixie greets the women as they enter the rickety gate, and lets them know that the other women (as in plural) are already there. Right on cue, Whitney and Angie come sashaying out in what is surely a choreographed entrance meant to get a reaction out of Meredith (which she refuses to give them).  Instead, she acts like she doesn't even see Angie, but in a confessional calls it incredibly ill-mannered and rude.   Meanwhile, Mary stands there looking at Trixie as though she's just met the devil himself, and in a way ... well, I guess I'll just leave that one alone.


As everyone else settles in, Lisa joins Whitney and Angie outside by the pool.  A silent Meredith walks by without saying a word on her way to Heather’s room, and then Mary shows up with a plate full of food and still dressed like she's getting ready to hit the slopes.  Angie politely invites her over to join them, but Mary oddly responds with, "I'm not sitting over there, and don't talk to me like that".  Huh?  I really can't with this crazy rude bitch.  While the three outside don’t understand why Angie wasn’t invited in the first place, Meredith doesn’t understand why she’d ever expect to be invited at all.  Gee, I dunno ... maybe because attendance on the girl's trips is required?    At this point, the ladies need to stop chipping at the fourth wall; they need to either ignore completely, or knock that bitch down already. 


Sitting 20 feet away at another table, Mary gets right down to business and asks Whitney why she arrived early. She says it was to see her friend Trixie, but Mary isn’t buying it, and calls the stunt childish.


As the rest of the ladies gather around the pool, Meredith hands out gift bags, but skips right over Angie before explaining that day’s trust-building activity. The group will split into pairs and go shopping to pick out an outfit the other will like. “Maybe a new ring,” Mary chuckles to herself.  Since she didn’t know Angie would be there, Meredith says, she’s on her own.  Finally at her breaking point, Angie says, “Thank you for acknowledging that you didn’t invite me.”  Meredith continues to ignore her, but Monica feigns outrage, and blurts out, "How rude!"  No honey, rude is a hostess singling out and ignoring one of her guests, whether invited or not. 


Rightfully annoyed at Monica's disloyalty, Angie reminds the group that she brought Monica into this group.  It's classic Real Housewives; an unspoken debt owed for bringing someone onto the show, even though we all know most of these women are chosen by central casting. Angie complains to Lisa and Whitney about it when Monica crashes the conversation to stand her ground, telling her that she was rude and she has no problem calling it out.  But Angie flounders when confronted, and says, “I deserve to be here as much as everyone else."  Poor Angie; it's easy to imagine her repeating that line to herself in the mirror, over and over again before stepping in front of the cameras.


Beginning their "trust building" task, the women hit the stores in pairs, putting weird outfits together which is obviously meant to make the other look like a crazy homeless person (although with Mary, it's hard to tell the difference).  Paired up with Monica, Mary misses the entire point of the task, poo pooing everything Monica puts together.  Whitney wears a what can only be described as a lab coat.  Heather wears a bedazzled cap which reads “Cat Mom”, and Meredith dresses poor Lisa in a sheer top and and sequined skirt over a black bikini that any lady of the evening worth her salt would love.  It only gets worse for Lisa when she realizes that she’s essentially wearing a bathing suit and cover up to one of Palm Springs' finest restaurants.  Talk about revenge; this will teach Lisa to make sure the mics are off the next time she decides to call Meredith a ho'.


When they arrive at dinner, Meredith toasts to "new beginnings" and fun times, and Whitney pays homage to the late Lisa Rinna by suggesting they play a "sharing" game to get to know each other better.  Whitney  says she writes poetry, Heather admits that she’s gotten into birds lately, and Mary "reveals" that she’s a loner. Mary?  Naw, I don't believe it.  But Monica is entirely bored by these fun facts and decides to spice things up, announcing to the table: “I fucked my brother-in-law for 18 months!”  Yes bitch, now we're talkin'.  For the ladies, the only real question the table has is which side the in-law was on, and once Monica clarifies, they’re all satisfied. “Okay, cheers to that,” says Mary, who clearly knows a little sumpin' sumpin' about banging family members herself.  Say, I wonder if Uncle Pill and her ever ... uh ... never mind.


But Whitney isn't done, and then has each of the ladies make a  “warm and fuzzy", and then a "cold and prickly” comment about the woman directly to their right.  This “game” results in Heather telling Angie that she doesn’t trust her after seeing her routinely buddy up to whoever the biggest player in the room is, even though they’ve known each other the longest.  I think if the real truth be told, Heather sees Angie's buddying up as a shameless attempt to get onto the show.  But hey, if two "cousins" who evidently never laid eyes on each other can get on the show, why can't a "friend" from high school?


Meredith then critiques Whitney’s communication skills, as foot soldier Mary chimes in to call out Whitney for inviting Angie.  Monica then tells Lisa that it was hard listening to Lisa complain "over and over again" about losing her $60,000 ring, especially as someone who most likely didn't even spend that on her house. “I didn’t say it over and over, but noted,” says a bristling, but humble Lisa Barlow. Right on cue, production then rolls a compilation of the Lisa mentioning her lost ring ... SEVEN times.  I don't know about anyone else, but if it were me, the mentions would have been in the high teens.  But Lisa got the last word in a  confessional saying, “When you can afford to buy a $58,000 ring, you’ll care about it too!”  Tooshay!~


Perhaps unhappy about not getting enough attention camera time during the games, Angie makes a toast (well sort of), and then shares the Greek word for “fake”, while looking directly at Meredith.  “You publicly said that you will never be friends with me; why would I invite you?”, Meredith angrily asks.  Angie (along withwe the viewers) wonder when she ever made this statement, and no flashback comes either. Uninterested in whatever Angie has to say, Meredith then tells her that she can leave. “You were not invited by me and you can go.”  But Angie is prepared and full of ammo, and then proceeds to annihllate Meredith by going after her “cobweb covered jewelry line and fake rented life".  Ouch!  Bitch came to play.  Again, Monica takes Meredith's side, and calls Angie disgusting.


As the conflict continues to erupt, Meredith shouts what has already become an iconic meme  ... “(((YOU CAN LEAVE)))!" But Angie refuses to leave, so Meredith then channels Kenya Moore and calls for security, and by "security", I'm talking about their swishy waiter, Chad.  Meredith stands up and tells the hapless waiter, “Excuse me, she needs to leave. I’m the hostess of this dinner, and her behavior is not acceptable ... so I’d like for her to leave.”  A completely dumbfounded Chad responds, “I .. um  I’ll do whatever I can,” as Heather laughs hysterically at the table.  Oh the stories Chad will be telling this weekend at The Tool Shed.


As Meredith rages on, she then begins channeling Shannon Beador during her infamous meltdown at Lizzy's dinner party.  With her finger in the air, she pleads,  “There are things that are going on that are a lot fucking deeper than this nonsense. There are children who are going to be disabled for the rest of their lives!”, and then storms out in tears.  Lisa follows her, and consoles her in the parking lot as she sobs about Angie’s "disgusting energy". Despite the absurdity and being distracted by Lisa's getup, it is kind of nice to seeing the two of them together again. Meredith then tells Lisa that if Angie wants to go there (with “the rumors and nastiness”), then she’ll go there ... and she''ll go there about the husband.  Assuming she's talking about what I think she's talking about, I've never met a straight hairdresser yet, have you?


The dinner concludes, and the group piles back into the sprinter van. Meredith is sobbing into Monica’s shoulder (at which everyone is hilariously oblivious to), Heather is completely wasted way too many "expresso" martinis,  and my cheeks hurt from laughing throughout this entire episode.  RHOSLC is killing it this season.


Meredith says she’s going through something "bigger than any of this", to which Whitney calls "convenient".  She accusing Meredith of playing this card every time someone goes up against her.


As they arrive back at the motel, Meredith storms out, and Mary takes the opportunity to rail against Whitney, in her “Little Girl” style.  She tells her she needs to grow up, her life is a façade, and when Whitney accuses her of talking about her, she says, “I never talked about you, I got told about you.”  But that’s not all: “You called me a pornography,” Mary exclaims, and as the van struggles to decipher what she means, she calls upon a catatonic Heather, with her head between her knees, to translate. “What did she call me, Heather?” Heather lifts her head briefly to say “Predator” before returning to her spins.


When Mary exits the sprinter, only Whitney and Heather remain, but Heather is too sick to make it out. They close the door to give her privacy, but as soon as we begin to hear those gutteral heaving sounds, Whitney starts pounding on the locked door like she's trapped inside. They free her, and she emerges on the brink of sympathy, vomiting herself. We then get a shot of Heather throwing up into a bag, vomit dripping between her legs.  End scene.