Nothing Vanilla About Anguilla

 

 

For me, the jury is still out on this one, which probably explains why I'm not fully invested enough to spend time writing about it every week.  But I have been been pleasantly surprised.  Every time I find myself comparing it to the original, I recall those early years on RHONY, which took a LONG New York minute for me to appreciate. I didn't even start watching until after the season four casting massacre occurred, and only recently finally saw seasons 1-4 for the first time.  I'm slow on everything; one of those people who has never seen a single episode of Seinfeld, or Top Gun, or ET.  Having said that, I think we have to overlook the awkwardness in some of the new cast members, as well as the inauthentic and forced story lines. The pressure that these ladies are under must be staggering.  The original cast had nothing to live up to, let alone a hostile audience who are resentful of their very existence.  Anyway, on with this week's episode.

 

The women are on a girl's trip in Anguilla which Sai supposedly organized.  Apparently the producers aren't aware that countless HW's have already told us that these trips are decided by, organized, and paid for by Bravo, not the HW's. At dinner, Erin (my favorite), shows up  in some kind of getup right out of an old Laura Ashley catalog.  When they all sit down, you can almost hear a producer urging Ubah to bring up the touchy subject of Brynn flirting with Erin’s husband at their anniversary/vow renewal party.  In case you missed it, at the party, looking like Tallulah Bankhead in dark sunglasses and a fur coat, Brynn coyingly told Abe that a vow renewal suggests they aren't really married, so technically, he's available (which of course makes no sense), but Erin (understandably) took umbrage with it. 

 

Brynn apologizes, but only for saying that the party was boring.  But instead of leaving well enough alone, she says she only said it because Erin accused her of “something disgusting” (flirting with a married man).  Nice try girl, but you can spare us the faux outrage.  Brynn says she flirts with everyone, that it's kind of her shtick. OK, fair enough.  But Brynn is waiting for an apology from Erin that is never going to come.

 

Sai (my least favorite) cuts the argument short by ordering food because apparently food is HER shtick (which is becoming very tiresome with each episode).  The conversation then turns to Jenna and how she has difficulty opening up to the other women. Have these chicks never met a gay person born before 1979?  Ironically, Jenna Lyons is my second favorite; I find her interesting and kind of unconventionally cool.  She's also incredibly authentic, which I always appreciate. 

 

In last week's ep, Jenna had undergone serious dental surgery due to some kind of disease that makes her teeth fall out.  She also has some kind of vitiligo-like skin disorder.  Along with her physical ailments, she's pretty effed up inside as well, due to being raised by a very ill mother who didn't allow conversation of any kind in the home.  Living A Quiet Place-like existence would fuck anyone up.

 

Anyway, like any good Jewish girl, Erin brought Jenna some home made chicken soup while she was recuperating.  Still a tad woozy from the sedation dentistry, Jenna informed Erin that she would be flying (business class) to Anguilla seperately, a day ahead of the other ladies; partly because she needs time to mentally prepare for the trip, but also because she can't fly "coach".  It's an an admission that will haunt her, because disappointingly, Erin then relays this little tidbid to the other women the minute they land and settle into their fabulous villa on the beach.

 

Back to the dinner in Anguilla, the spotlight then turns to Jessel (another of my least favorites).  Unlike Jenna, Jessel  does not need to be coaxed into sharing with the ladies, and begins with, “Well, I’ve been waiting for you to ask,”  and then tells the movie of her forty years on this planet.  It's an epic tale which includes her family fleeing Kenya and moving to London, and then sleeping on the streets of Paris, and then how she ended packing boxes as a fashion intern.  It was a hilarious scene, as the camera pans to each of the ladies yawning and praying for the movie to end. 

 

On the ride home, perpetual victim (because she's black) Ubah, is rambling on about being frisked at airport customs and how she told the customs agents that she had nothing else with her except her WAP.  Erin has no idea what a WAP is, and is then understandably grossed out when they explain it to her. Grossed out by Cardi B, a fan of Laura Ashley, and a Trump supporter?  Yup, this one is a keeper.

 

The next morning, Ubah and Jessel lie in bed talking some shit about Brynn, and then all of the women talk about their dysfunctional mothers over a sumptuous chef-prepared breakfast.  Awesome breakfasts are the one thing that will get my ass up early when vacationing, and the only thing I like more than a breakfast buffet is dysfunctional mother talk. This time, it’s Sai’s chance to talk about her shitty life as a child.  If anyone is keeping track, Erin is the only chick in the brood who grew up in a healthy home with two loving parents (connect the dots).

 

Sai tells of an alcoholic mother and how she always had to play the parent and take care of her ... yadda yadda. Then she had a heart attack all alone on a park bench. Since her mother loved her eyebrows, Sai went to the hospital and did her eyebrows one last time, saying, “You’re not going out like this.”  Sai is so tramatized by her mom's death that she keeps her mother's ashes in a shopping bag in her closet, which Jenna thinks is "fabulous".  Personally, I would have filled an empty bottle of Hennessy with mom's ashes and kept it on my bar, but that's just me.

 

After breakfast, we learn two facts about Brynn.  The first is that she is a certified yoga instructor, and secondly, putting one's “yoni” in the sun is great for soaking in the vitamin D.  I don't have a yoni, but I do have other delicate equipment, and just just seems to me that a "buy one get one" bottle of Nature Made from Walgreens would be less painful (and dangerous).  The scene on the beach then turns into a Housewives: 101 photo shoot with Jenna operating the camera as everyone else frolics in the water and poses.  I would have loved this scene, but I was haunted by the ghost of Miss Havisham Lisa Vanderpump ordering her bikini-clad co-stars out of the water as Kunty snaps at her, "Stop ruining our vacation!"

 

Then it is off to lunch, where the women sit on a different beach with turquoise painted picnic tables.  This time, the producers  Sai gets things going by asking Brynn about how her dating life is going.  After a brief discussion about turning three tricks dating three guys in one day, she talks about getting her eggs frozen. She says when she went to get the procedure done, they told her that it’s more viable to free embryos rather than eggs, and then asked if she had anyone in mind.  Brynn said she started going through her phone looking for candidates.

 

At the other end of the table, Erin tells Ubah that Brynn is not only lying, but what a strange thing to lie about.  Apparently God forgot to give Erin a snark detector, because she's taking Brynn words literally.  She actually thinks that the fertility clinic told Brynn to go look through her phone to find a sperm donor. Brynn has clearly told this story many times before, and this is where she gets all the laughs, joking about which dude in her Rolodex was going to be the father of her baby. When Brynn becomes annoyed, Erin tells her that she’s being too sensitive about it.  Pretty funny coming from a woman who got all pissy over some innocent flirting with her husband.  

 

When they all return to the house, again, Brynn and Erin don’t know if they love or hate each other, and as a viewer, I feel the same way; one minute I hate this show and the next minute I like it  ... apply, lather, rinse, repeat.