‹ Back

Cavier Dreams

 

 

So here we are; the beginning of a whole new season, with a whole new cast in a whole new era, and here they are doing the same annoying bs as the women whom they replaced. They sent six (OK, four) perfectly fine housewives out to pasture for this?

 

My least favorite newbie, "influencer" Sigh is packing EIGHT gigantic suitcases full of costumes for a weekend at Erin's Hampton's home. She says it’s because she is going to be doing Instagram shoots for the next six months for her content. So let’s do some quick math. Let’s say there were ten outfits per suitcase; that’s 80 costumes! Forget the fact that they’re going to spend most of their time sitting around the house, getting drunk, going to dinner, and performing for the cameras. If each day consists of a morning look, exercise gear, a day ensemble, and an evening dress, that’s still only four outfits a day over three days; that’s 12 total outfits. That means she has 68 extra looks. She would have to wear about 23 extra outfits a day to wear everything she packed. That works out to about one outfit every 42 minutes for the 16 hours they’re awake. There is barely enough time to put each one on, photograph it, and then move to the next ... providing all she did for 16 hours was shoot outfits. I'm exhausted, but you get the point. Of course the irony is, Sai isn't chic, unique, or let alone interesting enough to warrant spending all of this attention on her clothes. Who the F is she "influencing"?

 

But I actually enjoyed this episode a bit more than last week’s. Facing the fact that these women don't know each other from Adam, part of the fun is watching these women getting to know each, so here they are all just hanging out and chilling, spending time with each other. Plus, this is Hampton's off season, there isn't a hell of a lot to do anyway.

 

Jenna is the first one to arrive at Erin’s house.  Turns out, she has a bungalow just around the corner.  Erin's house is beautiful, a reno with many bedrooms and baths, obviously worth several million dollars (by Hampton's standards) ... so unless we have another Asian/Jewels Weinstein situation on our hands, Erin has some serious bank.  Jenna is nervous about the weekend, because she's never experienced a "girl's trip" before, at least none that didn't involved a little cunnilingus. She awkwardky asks what perks she gets for being the first to arrive, but all she gets out of Erin is a hearty hug and then a little snack.  I thought she at least deserved the best room.

 

Meanwhile, Ubah, Jessel, Sigh (btw, have I mentioned how I hate these stupid names?) and her luggage are crammed into a car together, and Brynn will miss the first day because she's under the weather with God knows what. They begin rudely complaining about Erin's house, which they have never even seen. Sai has brought her own roll of toilet paper because only two-ply TP is good enough for her twat (do they even make one-ply anymore?).

 

The ladies are calling ahead because they’re hungry, and Erin, who suffered the most during last week's Great Cheese debate, thinks she has a snack that they can all enjoy.  Right out of the Heather Holla Thomson playbook, Erin has hired two caviar caterers to prepare some Yummie caviar.  But seriously, she did she really need to pay two people to put out a couple trays of nasty fish eggs on some Pringles with a dollop of crème fraîche?  Apparently, Erin didn't get the memo; even I know that caviar is meant as an hors d'oeuvre, not a freaking meal.  But how about a charcoochie board? Oh wait, that would have cheese on it ... never mind. 

 

Ubah  apparently forgot to pack a couple cases of her precious bananas and gets even more upset when she finds out that Erin is not properly feeding them. This stupid fight continues once all the ladies arrive, so Ubah goes off to Provisions (apparently the "Panera's" of the Hamptons), only to discover that it is closed.  'Memba what I said last week about liking Ubah?  Scratch that, I now hate her.   But still, couldn’t Erin have scrambled her an egg?  Besides, it would have went with the caviar theme.  Actually, all these bitches could have been a lot less rude.

 

As they sit around devouring caviar and getting to know each other, Jenna shares that her mother died about six weeks ago, but they weren’t close at all.  Hmmm. Jenna says her mother was diagnosed late in life with AssBurger's syndrome, apparently some kind of affliction which left her cold, aloof, and distant.  Getting to know Jenna, the ladies wonder if it wasn't contagious.  We also learn that Jessel hasn’t had sex with her husband since her kids were born, but she assures the women that she has at least been blowing him.  Having done a few Middle Easterners in my time, my heart goes out to the poor thing (what they say about Middle Eastern hygiene is true).  Jenna gifts all of the women with various sets of lingerie, which quite frankly looks like it was designed by a lesbian. 

 

For dinner, they all go to Erin’s favorite restaurant in the village.  Jenna talks about how she discovered she was a lesbian later in life,  and how the New York Compost dragged her out of the closet (I would need to see receipts on that one).  Jenna says that having sex with women is so much better than having sex with men.  I know it's not supposed to be about the plumbing, but Jenna was obviously meeting the wrong men.

 

We also learn that Jenna has a girlfriend whom she plans on keeping private.  Sigh is right when she says that real friends don't hide their partners from their friends.  This makes me wonder how "out" Jenna really was before filming.  Also, it is in the Housewife job description to reveal your authentic life, Tamra Judge notwithstanding.  Also, it's rather absurd for Jenna to think that her personal life is going to be kept private, so why not just come clean?  Ain't like the industry in which she works is going to frown upon it; in fact, these days it would be a detriment if she were straight.

 

We also learn more about Jessel and her henpecked husband, Pavit. She tells us that they were friends and roommates, and it took a visit from her mother to tell her that he was in love with her  wanted to own her, and now they’re married. Aw, Muslim love is so sweet. Sai says that if your sex life or finances are messed up,  your relationship is effed.  She's probably not wrong.

 

 

Now as we all know, we’re supposed to give each hw a 3 or 4 episode grace period before we judge them, but that is not an easy task as we get to know these women.  I'm calling it now.  I find Ubah and Sigh particularly difficult to watch, and this Jessel chick ain't cutting it either.  When Ubah sits down at dinner, she gets out her compass to make sure she’s pointing north.  Fun fact:  Muslims also only buy homes which point the the north star.  When they go to use the bathroom and walk by the kitchen, she goes INTO the kitchen and helps herself into their stock room, only to be looked at by the staff like she's going to whip out an AR-15 and start shooting.  She spots a can of coconut milk and takes it back to the table where her horrified co-stars order her to return it.  She finally obliges, and shoves it into the waitress's hands and orders HER to return it. 

 

After dinner back at Erin’s, everyone tries on their lingerie.  Jessel becomes just as obnoxious as Ubah and starts complaining that her lingerie is ugly, too big, and the color, a ghastly green.  Jessel isn't wrong, but then she crosses the line and says right to Jenna's face, “It’s fucking disgusting”.  It's very clear that Jessel will be taking over the role of Ramona Singer, who is of course completely unfiltered and brutally honest ... to a fault.