Season 14 Finale: Connecticut-ing The Dots




Brynn’s gay psychic (are there any other kind?) "Dante", predicts that she is going to be caught in the middle of a fight between two of her friends. As with all "psychics" on the HW's who have been given inside information, and/or Googled their subjects, he is right.  Case in point; Sigh and Jessell spend the entire episode trying to work out their petty differences.  However, what Dante didn't foresee, was that Brynn herself would be the cause of the biggest drama of the episode.


But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Brynn and Sai go to Central Park looking for trees, park benches, ducks used condoms, needles, and empty liquor bottles to dedicate to Brynn’s late grandmother.  As usual, Sigh seems annoyed to even be there.  Jessel has a photo shoot for her fashion line, which we’re hearing about for the first time.  At Jenna’s apartment, she gets some free photo direction from the professional designer herself. We learn that Jenna has allowed about 50 people to do photo shoots in her apartment.


Speaking of Jenna, there is a scene where she is going shopping in her own closet with her teenage son, Beckett. He's giving her styling advice, aka Brooks Marks, but without the annoying voice, and like Meredith, Jenna is listening. Jenna she pulls out this amazing jumpsuit, but Beckett says that it's too wacky to wear to a party. “Wacky?” Jenna asks in sheer disbelief ... “It’s Celine!”.  I wasn't aware that Celine Dion had entered the fashion world, but I guess it's good that lesbian support each other. 


Uba and Erin meet up to ride some bumper cars on ice, and of course to trash their friends co-stars.  Yes, this is what NYC women in their late thirties do; they get all dressed up in the middle of the afternoon and then go ride bumper cars in the park.  Erin tells Ubah that when Pavit (Jessel's husband) was asked (in the previous episode) why Jessel is "the one", he said, “Because she lets me do what I want.”  Huh?  That’s not what he said.  What he basically said was looking for someone to to enjoy life with, travel, and have fun.  But some how for Erin and Uba, that translates to ”Jessel lets me go to Vietnam for sex, and that’s why I love her.”  Ubah apparently has a moment of reckoning, and asks Erin, “Why do you care about this?”  Of course Erin couldn't say what she wanted to say, which was "I really don't, but you can ask the producers standing over there."



Brynn is throwing a masquerade birthday party for herself, so Erin and Sai meet up at a costume shop to bitch about how much they hate Jessel. Sai says Jessel called her a mean girl, which of course she is, but she tells Erin, “I’m not mean ... yes, I’m abrasive and straightforward.”  Erin then brings up Sai's husband, David, asking Uba, “How is it possible you don’t have a man?"  David obviously meant it as a compliment, like “You’re so amazing, how has no one snatched you up?”.  But of course Uba interpreted it as a slam, like  “What's wrong with you and why doesn't any man want you?"  The answer seems pretty obvious to me ... because she's an obnoxious and totally unlikable giraffe living in a city where 70% of the male population is cruising Central Park after dark.  Incidentally, Sai obviously said something to David, because at Brynn’s party he acknowledges to Ubah that it was a shitty question that he never should have asked.  Of course many fans (of this shit show) will be applauding David for seeing the error of his inherently evil male ways, but all I see is more black ass kissing.  


Oh, I almost forgot the punch line to this story line.  At the costume shop, after saying “I think she’s fine.” (about Uba), Sai accidentally let's it slip that Uba is indeed seeing someone.  Realizing that she just fcked up, she immediately tells Erin that it is none of their business, and then tries to defuse the situation.


We’ll get back to this, but it's off to Brynn’s masquerade birthday party.  First of all, any kind of mask sucks, and now even more since the plannedemic.  They give me a headache, make my sinuses hurt, and give me shortness of breath.  Seeing so many idiots wearing masks again triggers me, and apparently my disgust is written all over my face, because when I see someone in the store all masked up, I can usually sense that they are reacting to me looking at them (which is of course what they want).  But I digress; doesn't everyone show up at one of these parties in their mask, assess the room, usually see that no one else is wearing their masks, and then rip it off?  The only one to leave hers on is Jenna Lyons, which shouldn't surprise anyone.


Everyone is all gussied up and arriving at Brynn's birthday party, which she's hosting at some chic' restaurant.  Again it dawns on me that this is the finale, and we've yet to get even a single peek at Brynn's home, apt., condo, townhouse, co-op, or tenement.  My guess is she's probably doing a Tinsley or Eboni, and staying at some swanky hotel while they film, and the rest of the time she's living in some dump worse than Leah McSweeny's. 


Jessel shows up ready to rumble with Sai and Erin. She goes over to say hi to them and then abruptly walks away.  It's an effective snub that gets Erin’s panties in a snit.  When Erin tries to talk to her about it, Jessel says, “Well, I heard you talked all this shit about my husband.” Erin says that she just says what she thinks.  But of course, that’s the problem in itself; Erin thinks some really shitty things about Jessel’s husband. Brynn Erin then gaslights Jessel by accusing HER of lashing out.  But in true RHONY fashion, it's over as fast as it began.


After that discussion, Brynn gathers everyone around to air their various grievances.  What we get is yet another retread of the Sai/Jessel/Erin thing, and then Sai says that Jessel lies, and has infact told so many white lies that she flicks away. When Jessel asks, again, what she lied about, the only thing Sai can come up with is the Vietnam thing, which isn’t a lie at all. Jessel may lack self-awareness (like virtually every HW there ever was), and yes, she comes from the Dorit Kemsley School of Story Telling, but is she a liar?


Sai starts yelling at Jessel again, frustrated  that Jessel doesn’t understand what she’s talking about.  That’s because Sai has no point. I think the truth is, Sai just hates Jessel.  Then there’s a whole bit where Erin comes out as Sai’s pet parrot, in a parrot mask and a rainbow boa, to which Jessel laughs (along with the other 15 people at the party). The three of them sit down and Sai tells them both that they can be fucking annoying, but Sai seems annoyed with everyone.  In fact, I think the only things we didn’t see this season was Sai NOT being annoyed with someone, and Brynn's abode.  Meanwhile, Brynn cuts her cake and rambles incoherently about getting gang banged by all the husbands.


The party ends with the ladies stumbling into their respective Ubers, shivering as their husbands don’t offer them their coats.  Erin is the last the leave the party, and as Abe stays behind to gather their coats, Erin hustles out to waiting black SUV who's hot exhaust dissipates into the frigid air.  As she rubs her naked arms together, a well manicured hand dripping in diamonds reaches out to open the door.  Then from inside the darkness of the SUV, she hears the voice of a very well preserved woman in a fur coat .... “Get in ... we have so much to talk about ... it's turtle time!".  



But then I woke up, turned off the TV and went to bed hoping that the dream would continue.