New Era, New York

My biggest problem with the RHONY reboot (and there are many) is the way they introduced the new cast. Didn't the ladies who put RHONY (if not the HW entire series) on the map deserve a little sumpin' sumpin'? An acknowledgement would have been nice; maybe a montage of RHONY's most iconic moments. I understand change; but even Roseanne Barr was acknowledged before they killed off. But instead, Bravo pulls a "new Darren" (aka Bewitched) on us, like we wouldn't even notice. I just think a little lube would have been nice.

So here we are with a gaggle of the new women who we also don’t know explaining to us things about the new women whom THEY don’t even know yet. We get all the garden variety vague descriptions of each of the women, and then right into the petty drama. Not a house tour in sight, let alone a shirtless husband.

First up is Erin and Ubah who are meeting in Washington Square. Erin is the token Jew (√), and Ubah is the token brown girl (√), and Somalian. I was prepared to hate on her, but I was pleasantly surprised, at least for now. I think because we are all expecting an Ilhan Omar-type cunt, we are probably going to get the opposite; someone more along the lines of that Chanel chick from Dubai. As the two ladies make awkward small talk, it becomes glaringly obvious that this might be the second time these two ladies have been in each other's presence. So Ubah prompts Erin to talk about her son drinking celery juice, only to then get a note from the kid’s school saying he had “blowout diarrhea.” Anyway, she is mad because she apparently had a party and someone named Sai pointed at a plate and asked what it was. Erin said, “It’s cheese,” and then Sai said, “That’s weird,” and rolled her eyes. Yes, they are fighting about cheese.

Across town, we get a different story from Sai, who is hosting Jessel and Brynn at her Brooklyn brownstone. Sai does a Fancy Pants Dubrow, appearing with a bottle in hand and says, “Champs for all.” It is anyone's guess why these women are dressed to the nines and sipping champagne on a weekday afternoon while their kids play in the other room. It just so happens they too are talking about the cheese incident, and some sort of “charcoochie" board mix up as well. At this point, I really don't care enough to rewind to see if I missed something. Apparently, Brynn and Sai were supposed to meet up with Erin, Jessel, their husbands, and some other people and go to dinner. However, when Erin booked a restaurant, Sai and Brynn thought it was tacky, so they told the women they were tired and headed home and instead went to a different restaurant ... and then posted about it. Oh, I forgot to mention that Sai is a SM "influencer" (whatever the fuck that is), so that's why this is important.

Erin is talking about the same thing with Ubah, and she says that the restaurant shouldn’t matter. It's supposed to be about getting together (as a group) and enjoying each other’s company. Of course Erin is right, but this is what happens when total strangers are all thrown together for a TV show, and expected to bond. Erin says her restaurant was last minute, and it was all she could find. Although I don't care at this point, if I have to choose a side, I'm team Erin. We will revisit this spat a little bit later, but first, we get a home scene with Erin where she is having her whole Israeli family over for dinner.

One of the first things we hear from her is about how the trick to being a parent is “to find ways to get your kids to leave you the fuck alone.” Although I don't have kids, I find this refreshing, but you know there are going to be plenty of judgy parents (and viewers) who claim that they never want to be away from their children. I guarantee there will also be plenty of (original) RHONY fanzoids who will accuse Erin of paying nannies to raise her kids.

Erin has a certain appeal, and you can tell that she's probably in for the long haul, should this one make it to another season. Sidenote: Sunday's premier brought in 672K viewers, which ain't bad ... RHOSLC got a second season with half of that audience. Anyway, Erin gives me Jennifer Aniston vibes; she not only looks like her, but she shares the same dry wit. Erin says that she and her sister are always joking that they basically live in kitchens and bathrooms.” Bathrooms? Hmm ... Rinna would be having a field day with that one.

Erin shares that she and her husband got married when they were 25, which is early, especially for New Yorkers. A 25-year-old New Yorker is like a 40-year-old everywhere else. 40-year-old New Yorkers are just starting to make enough money to afford a walk-in closet sized apartment, hopefully with a window facing a brick wall. Just then, Erin's son waddles in announcing that he has poop. I have to wonder, are they paying some homage to the original RHONY (to Ramona) after all?

We meet Jenna Lyons, the token lesbian (√), who is having the ladies over to her chic Manhattan apartment. Jenna, a retired? buyer for J Crew, has instructed her castmates to wear combinations of black, khaki, and/or gold. She apparently saves the flannel shirts and Levis for the weekends in the Berkshires. Jenna looks the part. rather bookish, and reminds me of a younger Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Erin says she doesn’t know what to make of Jenna because she’s so odd. I have to agree; like who has ever heard of a lesbian who's into fashion, and a major shoe whore at that!

For her little soiree, Jenna is serving, what else ... cheese. But she's going to class it up and include some fondues (gag). When Erin arrives, she gets a tour of the whole pad, complete with fluffy pink couches, luxurious fabrics, and a shoe department in her closet that the editors score with angelic organ music. Jenna says she has around 800 pairs of shoes, but unlike another former RHONY housewife, it's doubtful Jenna will be posting reviews of each shoe on Tik Tok anytime soon.

Speaking of Bethenny, Brynn arrives. She’s scared about confronting Erin because she says Erin takes everything personally. Yeah, we've met her. But Jenna wards off a confrontation by making them play a game where they all talk about sex. Brynn, obviously the "Whitney Rose" of the group, tells the ladies that her ideal porn involves a massage with a happy ending. To make this happen, she says she's always pushing her ass in the air ... but then the massuer (or masseuse) always says, “Ma’am, this is the Four Seasons.”

Eventually, Erin brings the conversation around to how Brynn and Sai dissed them because they didn’t want to go to Erin's restaurant of choice. I'm this point I'm thinking, we just met these bitches, do we have to do this? Why are we being forced to watch a fight about cheese ... and with no footage as a visual? Actually, I'm thinking that there probably is, but maybe they had to scrap the footage when Lizzy Savetsky up and quit when filming started. That is just my theory.

Erin takes Brynn to the other room so they can have it out privately. When they get onto Jenna’s bed and start talking, Erin says, “I feel like you decided who you wanted to align yourself with, and then you got weird with me.” One episode in, and all the fights on the show are already about the show itself! What it boils down to is Erin feels like she was getting left out by the cool kids, and then she wouldn’t get as much screen time, and then no one would love her. Of course, the whole todo is much about nothing, and it turns out these two actually like each other.

Did this premier reel me in like RHOSLC did on the very first episode? No, but I didn't hate the reboot as much as I thought I would, and unlike Dubai, I actually got through it. I tihnk we just have to face that the glory days of the Real Housewives are over, and we are never getting a real group of women being their authentic selves. The new housewives are arriving preprogrammed, and with 15 years of research under their Gucci belts. It wasn't the start I was hoping for, but it could have been a lot worse, and giving us vintage Luann and Sonja (airing immediately after) helps ease the pain.