Here we are, still fighting about last year’s shit. Still fighting about four seasons-ago shit. Still fighting about what happened at Melissa and Joe’s wedding shit. Hell, we're still fighting about freaking sprinkle cookie shit. The Jersey women are going have to do better than this, or I say we give the show to Danielle’s son, who says that he can speak "British" and then in an English accent, says the words "mutha" ... and then adds fucka. Or hows about we give the show to Jen A's daughter Olivia who tells her mother that she's afraid of falling off her bike, "What ... and risk damaging my beautiful nose, which is actually natura?l". Milania has nothin' on these hilarious kids. Or better yet, how about we give the show to Margaret's hot orthopedist, or Giacomo and Anthony, the sexy Italian stallions teaching the women how to make fresh mootz-a-lella.
But this isn't their show, so we are stuck with a (way too) large cast, consisting of boring husbands, boyfriends, OG's, same olds, friends of, and even their assistants. But what I do love about the season so far is that this is the furthest we’ve ever seen them acknowledge that they're doing a reality TV show. In separate confessionals, Teresa and Melicious talk about going to L. A. to present an award on some awards show and then going their separate ways.
We also see Teresa sending out her invitations, which are live flowers in an acrylic box engraved with the invitation. These are the notorious invitations that Teresa has to change because Ramona Singer accidentally posted the details of the event on her SM. I was actually wondering how and if the show would address this and was pleasantly surprised to them basically telling us that dumb ass Ramona really fcked up and cost Teresa a bundle by having to make changes.Of course the kicker here is that Ramona didn't even show up.
What old fights do we need to talk about? I don’t want to get into the Teresa and Joe of it all because we have been talking about that since “Rolling in the Deep” was a number-one song. Also, we’re going to get a lot more of it this season, so let’s put that on pause like Dorinda Medley or the tape in my stereo when I was waiting for “Opposites Attract” to come on the radio so I could record it.
Margaret and Jen A. are at it again because Margaret foolishly thought that they were good after making up last season (after telling the world that Dr. Bill cheated on her). Jennifer also thought they had settled things, but then she and Teresa hear from Margaret’s ex-best friend Laura, who wants to talk some shit about her former friend. Of course they accept the invitation collect some dirt, and then start talking shit. While I’m definitely here for are women all over the Jersey burbs ratting the women on the show, I do feel like they all need to get together and make some sort of policy about what's good for the goose is good for the
gander other geese. Case in point, can you even imagine the wrath of Tre if someone talked to one of her old homeys from Patterson?
But regardless, while Jen and Tre got some sort of dirt on Margaret, they aren't saying what it is, at least not yet. Danielle brings her kids Jen A's house for a play date and lunch. When Jen gets Teresa on the phone via Facetime to talk about the meeting, we find out that there is indeed dirt not just on Marge, but also about someone else. They don’t say who or what it is, but they say that if they repeated it, they’d be just as bad as Margaret. .
Danielle has all the ladies over to her
tiny "cute" house in the burbs for a cheese-making party, hosted by two cute Italian hunks. She's a nervous wreck, because not only is this her first get-together for the ladies, but also the first time they will be seeing her cute little house (at least by real housewife standards). Drama unfolds almost immediately as it turns out Margaret has a “mole” in Jennifer’s camp who told her about the meeting, I'm guessing a glam squad gay being messy. Margaret confronts the issue head-on by telling Jen that she’s not acting like she wants to be friends, and Jen tries to wiggle out of it by saying that "friends is a spectrum.” Of course what Jen should have done is called Margaret and said, “Hey, your old girl Laura wants to meet to talk shit about you. Should I go to see what she has to say?” But the of course, there would be no show.
Anyway, Marge says that Jen needs help, Jen says that she doesn’t, and then Marge says that Jen has issues with everyone, including Dolores. Jen says, “I don’t have issues with Dolores.” Huh? Just six feet away, Dolores' ears perk up as she dangles her feet in the pool with the other women. Now standing at the pool's edge, Dolores slowly turns around and glares at Jen. Oh she's got issues alright, and she is about to hear about them.
But here's the thing ... we're still not sure wtf they are even mad about. All we know is it’s some old shit from last year when Jen thought Dolores was a bad friend to her, so Dolores called her a see you next Thanksgiving, and now they’re in a fight? As they start screaming at each other, Teresa interjects and says, “How about a clean slate?” The woman who is still mad that Melissa didn’t move her wedding day so that she wouldn’t be pregnant in the photos wants a clean slate ? The woman who flew into a tizzy over sprinkle cookies wants a clean slate. The woman who flipped a table at her nephew's Christening wants a ckean slate. The woman who will never get passed her brother joining HER show (12 yrs. ago) wants a clean slate? The irony is, while these Putanas are screaming at each other, I’m way more interested in Melissa and Jennifer Fessler talking about a ham sandwich. Finally, Dolores and Jen stop shouting and agree to be “fine” with each other, which simply means they are saving the their rage for the next group event.
Dolores heads off to the table with the rest of the women as Teresa and Jennifer stand alone on the other side of the pool. This suddenly occurs to me that this is essentially what RHONJ has become; a bunch of sometimes rational, reasonably intelligent (for reality TV) women vs. two whack jobs whom the rest of them hate. Let's be real; if Jen’s only ally was anyone other than Teresa, she would have been booted from the show a long time ago (See Exhibit A: Jackie Goldeschneider). If you don’t display intense nonsensical loyalty, then they burn the bridge and resort to name-calling and violence. This is the problem with the way both of these women treat people, and why Teresa and Jennifer are isolated and alone.