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Shady Down The Shore

 

Last week, we were left with a “to be continued” at Jackie’s completely stupid “frat party”, leading us to believe that a big (possibly physical) fight was about to break out between Jackie and Dolores, but before anyone even pukes on beer bong, Big Frank comes in and saves the ladies from “Patterson Dolores”, and the frat party is over. In case you didn’t know, Dolores used to be a prison Matron, so you better not fuck with her. Translation: Production stepped in and said “Cut! This ain’t working … scrap the scene.”. Enough already with these TBC’s that have been spreading throughout the Bravosphere like a bad case of herpes lately; the jig is up. The continuation is always a “gotcha”, and never as good as the tease. Bravo fcking Bravo should know that we’ve been watching this garbage for 12 years, and ain’t about to stop now.

 

The Catanias are having a fambly dinner out. Since they are all going to be living under the same roof, Dolores wants to set some ground rules, especially pertaining to Frank entertaining all his ho’s in her house. To digress for a second; are we sure that hot Frankie and Gabby came from Dolores’s loins, genetically? They both look like clones of Frank, and nothing like her, although it hard to say considering she has basically turned herself into a black woman. I’ve been meaning to mention this ever since Dolores started actually speaking on the show, a few seasons ago. Anyway, Frank wants to live under the same roof with his whole family, but Dolores is still going to hang out in her townhouse eating cold pizza for breakfast, staring at her home gym, and watching “Flipping New Jersey” naked on her couch.

 

Frank just wants to live with his two adult children and doesn’t care if Dolores is there, but she will make sure that the kids get the rules they want. Gabby lays down the law and informs Frank that he can’t have any “adult visitors,” and Frank is like, “What? Your boyfriend stays over”, and looking at hot Frankie Jr., says “and your girlfriend stays over … what yous twos don’ have sex?”. Gabby then tells Frank that it’s “the kind” of sex that he has (which she can appafrently hear from three floors away). “Well, maybe your boyfriend doesn’t sexually satisfy you …”. While poor hot Frankie Jr. covers his ears, Dolores changes the subject and begins to hem and haw, struggling how to tell the kids that she has dumped Dr. Davit. Frank urges her to “Just say it, because the kids are adults and can handle it ...”. So Dolores breaks the news that she has taken Davit to a nice farm upstate where he’ll have lots of room to run, so they’re not going to see him anymore. They’re all crushed. Maybe that was the whole problem; Dolores wanted was a husband, but all she got was an adopted son.

 

Evidently deciding on a story line which will sustain her for the season (and earn her some brownie points with Bravo), Jackie feels like she’s “slipping” again, and seeks treatment at a treatment center for eating disorders. In a rather heartbreaking confessional, Jackie tells us that she is still haunted by an incident in college, when some dude whom she was crushing on innocently said he “wanted a girlfriend he could lift with his pinkie”. Little did the dumb lug know that such a random comment muttered from his lips would be torturing Jackie two decades later. I hate to sound like an insensitive White person, but is there anyone reading this who doesn’t carry some kind of baggage? I’ve encountered a few people in my life with eating disorders, and I completely own the fact that I just don’t get it. To me it’s like just stop throwing up ... problem solved, but I know it’s not that that simple (and to think I was briefly a psych major, scary huh).

 

As if this season isn’t already off to a very slow start, here we are again, visiting the Jersey Shore. Nothing against the Jersey Shore, but couldn’t we get some new scenery, and preferably without the husbands? I know I’m in the minority here, but I just don’t find any of these Guidos that entertaining. If I wanted to watch a bunch of crude Italians getting drunk and obnoxious, I would visit my relatives in Florida.

 

Again, the Gorgas are hosting Margaret and Joe, and Jackie and Evan, as well as their good (tv) friends, Tiki and his wife, whose name I can never remember. Dolores still has her own place nearby, and Jennifer and Bill have opted to rent their own place, presumably due to the fact that they are on the outs with everyone, but also because they brought along two of their kids and a nanny as well. Teresa and Louie will be staying with Aydins (at least that was the plan), but more on that later. But all the action is sure to happen at “Missy G’s” (as Melissa likes to call her home), because like what would be better than hanging out at the pool all day drinking vodka from a spiked water cooler, and gawking at Joe and Evan’s pecs all day? Oh I know … how about hanging out at the pool, getting drunk, and staring at hot Frankie Jr.’s pecs all day! Incidentally, wasn’t it revealed last season that it turns out Jackie is loaded and has a killer vacay pad at the JS as well?

 

The group heads to the beach, but the entire outing just seems “off”. As Teresa sits alone, slurping on pineapple juice and playing on her phone (oh you know she’s that person), Jen repeats to Teresa what Dolores told her … that Jackie said “That’s what you get for sticking your dick in someone else.”. Again, this all stems from Margaret blurting out to the group that Bill cheated on Jen. Jen says this is “the most disgusting thing someone could say.”. But what Dolores leaves out is that before saying that, Jackie said she felt bad for Jen … just not bad for Bill. Anyway, the group has had enough of the heat, and decide to head back to Missy G’s for some afternoon pool time.

 

The other thing that has everyone talking about is Teresa’s man, Luis. Apparently, his weird video made its way back on the internet, along with some talk about being involved in some really shady business deals (Tre definitely has a type). Teresa tells Jen that she got her weekends mixed up, and all these people are unexpectedly staying at her house, and she can’t stay there, so she asks Jen if she can crash with them. But in retrospect, it looks like Teresa is just covering up for Louie so he wouldn’t have to deal everyone on camera.

 

At the end of the episode, a producer confronts Teresa to talk about these things, and Teresa then tells us in a confessional that SHE is in the public eye, not Luis. Bitch please, how long have you been in this game? As the producer pushes the issue, Teresa axes “Why are you filming this?” (again, really bitch?), and just like the last two seasons at the Shore, storms out, but this time without smashing a few drinks off a table. You see, Tre thinks we’re stupid, and doesn’t get that we know she made a deal with the devil himself, that is Andy Cohen. We know that she’s making over a million bucks a season to share her life, and that definitely includes her personal life and the man she’s marrying.

 

As I mentioned, this season seems to be lacking something, hence my lack of interest in recapping it.  I can’t quite put my finger on it; everyone either seems to be bored and just going through the motions, or downright annoyed to be there. It’s common knowledge that RHONJ started filming almost immediately following last season’s finale (giving them very little time off), so I’m going with annoyed. But I’ve been a Jersey fan since the beginning, so I’m in … I just hope they keep the fake fighting and scripted story lines to a minimum. What Jersey lacks in glamour, it has always made up for with realness, and I’d hate to see them blow it now.