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Sláinte

 

 

It's the morning of the final day in Ireland. Paulie’s mother, Claire, stops by the castle to see Dolores.  As with every mother on every HW show ever known to mankind,  they all think she's cute and adorable, and laugh hysterically at everything Claire says and does, just like most of America does with Joe Biden.  Yes, growing up in Ireland, the woman has been through a lot, but for all we know she's a mean old bat, and wasted before the second Matlock rerun.  Claire jokingly? calls Dolores a “hussy” and jokes? about how she doesn’t find any of the house husbands hot in their sexy calendar, except for Frank who she wouldn't kick outta bed for eating biscotti. 

 

Claire's presence triggers Teresa, who takes five minutes to say (with the usual aid of her hands) that her father was like Claire, always saying weird and inappropriate things.  She then adds a “Right, Melissa?” Accepting the olive branch, Melissa then shares a nice memory about the first time she met her future mother-in-law, who jokingly called her a puttana, which in a Italian is even worse than "hussy".

 

That afternoon, Jen A. is hosting a “hen do” for Teresa, which is apparently the Irish name for a bachelorette party.  I’m thinking Jen might have googled “Irish hens”, because they somehow end up on a farm run by a nice Irish lad named Peter. Sweating his ass off in the stifling 55 degree Irish summer heat, Peter takes the ladies on a tour of the farm, and I'm wondering is this a "hen do" or an elementary school field trip?

 

The first game they play is called “Catch the Cock,” where the women enter a chicken coop in pairswhere one of them has to, you know, catch the cock. Teresa goes first and then seemingly extends another oiive branch by picking Melissa as her partner.  WTH is happening here?  For the next activity, the women are all instructed to paint a memory from Teresa’s life. Teresa knows these bitches, and is worried about someone drawing her in jail, so holding back the tears, she tells them, "Please don't paint any bars."  In the talking that follows, Teresa explains (again with the use of her hands) that that part of her life didn’t happen. Hmm, we know what happens when you ignore history . . . . it repeats!.  Oh hi, Louie, didn’t see you there.  So anyway, Tre waits outside petting Peter's puppy while the other women go to work.  Wait, I thought Teresa was afraid of puppies? 

 

Melissa is up first, and paints a picture of Teresa's family in Italy coming over to America with her parents and brother.  They both (as well as the entire group) get teary thinking about it, and Teresa extends olive branch #3 of the episode by hugging Melissa. It’s so weird seeing Teresa and Melissa getting along, but I don’t think I like it. Teresa then says she wants Melissa’s family in the wedding, well sort of.  She clumsily throws out some ideas, but we all know they won’t happen. In a confessional, Melissa says that her fambly members are not props for Teresa to bring in at the last minute ... just to make herself look good.  I feel Missy, but she could have looked at it as an opportunity to make things better.   This whole interlude is sweet, and if I'm being honest, brought a tear to my eye.  Meanwhile, Jennifer paints a picture of Teresa's "iconic" table flip.  We knew someone had to. 

 

Speaking of Jen A, at lunch afterwords,  we learn that Bill Aydin will also be a part of the wedding. Ouch!  So much for progress. Teresa says that Bill and Jen have been very supportive of her relationship all along, and then right in front of Melissa, adds, “And I don’t have any family.”  Damn Teresa, just as I was beginnng to cut you some slack.

 

Farmhand host Peter then takes the ladies to the “Irish spa.” They ask if it’s going to be nice, but we already know what's coming. The Irish spa is a giant mud pit that all of the women jump into, and then sink into waist deep.  The scene gave me serious PTSD flashbacks, whereas a child we were encouraged forced to jump into disgusting swampy lakes where we then sank into knee-high slime.  You'll have to excuse me for a second while I gather myself (*cue the elevator music). 

 

OK, I'm back.  It's actually a hilarious scene, and probably one of the best episodes of the season.  Melissa and Teresa are the last two in, and they decide to jump in together, holding hands like Thelma and Louise.   At this point, I've lost track of the olive branch count.  They even scream together as they get in. That’s what’s so confounding about these two.  I have to believe that through it all, they will at least always have the commonality  of sharing their lives together on reality TV show.

 

As the women are gear up for their last dinner in Ireland, Joe Benigno and Margaret's “assistant”, Lexi, are gearing up for guy's night at Joe’s house. BTW, we discover that Lexi, is now living in Margaret’s guest house after a separation. Marge has a guest house?  Guy's night is the usual intoxicated mess that some always love, but this time, instead of getting shit-face drunk, they all get take advantage of NJ's new laws allowing recreational weed. Frank is getting into the medical cannabis dope dealing game and brings over some of his best inventory for the  guys to enjoy.  Joe Gorga has no interest in partaking, but Frank "shotguns" Joe, who ends up getting as stoned as the rest of them.  Must be some good shit right? 

 

Back in Ireland at dinner, blonde Danielle and Rachel get back into their stupid "rat" fight, which I still don’t understand, let alone care about. As Melissa points out, Rachel has nothing to do with this, and it’s Margaret who should be mad at Jen and Teresa for talking to her ex-friend, Laura, the non-friendly ghost. These newbies should be out of it. But Danielle starts shouting about how everyone should calm down, and then she tells Margaret that she is why Jen’s kids know that their dad messed around on her. Danielle tells Margaret that she will forgive, but she won’t forget.

 

Margaret then goes full Allison DuBois, “He will never emotionally fulfill you, know that,” on Danielle, looking into the future and reading her for absolute filth. “That is why you are gonna have problems with your family for your whole life, and will never have a clean slate if you keep bringing up old shit. And that’s a fucking fact. You can forgive, but you can’t forget? You pull that shit your whole life; you will never move past anything.”  Only time will tell if Margaret is right about Danielle, but it really was a shitty thing to say.  I've always enjoyed Margaret, but she has been treading into Brandi Glanville territory (with her mouth) lately.