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The Italian Invasion

 

They say the Italians and Irish are very much alike.  Yes, both are predominantly Catholic, can hold a grudge, are hot-tempered, very skilled at cursing, have all sorts of weird superstitions, and usually very devoted to their mothers (guilty as charged on all counts).  But there are differences ... ever been to an Irish restaurant, other than for a seasonal plate of corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick's day or a bowl of Lucky Charms for breakfast? I’m trying to make a connection here because our favorite Italian housewives are off to Ireland.

 

Ireland is a strange trip for these ladies, but I guess RHONJ has already done the Italy thing.  So it's off to Ireland, the homeland of Dolores’s pudgy prince, Paulie. Upon arrival at the airport, I was waiting for Meghan King McDill Edmonds Cuff-Owens King to greet all the ladies with a tap on the shoulder, “You’re my cousin now. You’re my cousin now. You’re my cousin now” as all 30 of them pile int the waiting Sprinter van.  It’s a hot car ride to the 400-year-old castle where they will be staying (which incidentally, is now permanently closed).  On the ride there, we find out that Jen Fessler has had James Tony Soprano Gandolfini inside her (at least twice), although I have no idea why we needed to know this.

 

 

As they pull up to Ballinlough Castle, the women shout, “Oh look, there’s staff for us,” as if the butlers and maids of Downton Abbey are all lined up waiting for them.  But it’s just Susie and Emma, two girls from the local village, shivering in their polo shirts.  Inside, the castle looks pretty grand, but the décor is giving me cheap AirB&B vibes.

 

At lunch, the conversation turns to Jennifer Aydin's coffee grind-reading party from last week.  After the entire table calls bullshit on the authenticity of the psychic fraud, Jen finally admits that she called her the night before and "might have" tipped her off about Margaret's treacherous former friend, Laura.  Um, yeah; that or you just sent Psychic Sue the whole damn script using Margaret's "vernacular" (specific way of speaking).

 

The conversation about this Laura chick, who is haunting this season like one of the ghosts in the Ballinlough Castle, sends the entire table into a tizzy. Blonde Danielle wants to know just what Laura said, and considering how everyone rode her about the real story behind her and her brother’s estrangement, it seems like a reasonable request.  Jen A. says, “She said things that I would never repeat.”  But see, that is the problem right there.  It reminds me of when Kim Richards said to Lisa Rinna in Amsterdam, "Let's talk about what you don't want us to talk about" (pertaining to Harry Hamlin).   We all know that these vague accusations are always worse than what really is (if anything at all). 

 

Laura’s name is dropped, but in their confessionals, Danielle and Jen have a lot to say about Margaret's reaction. Jen says that Margaret is mad that Laura talked to her. Well, yes, probably, because Laura has an axe to grind and maybe is making up stories about Margaret.  Danielle wonders why Margaret goes apeshit every time Laura’s name comes up.  In Danielle and Jen's minds, this proves that Margaret did something bad. 

 

After lunch, Danielle makes a bee line for Jen's room because she needs to know what Laura said. Jen tells her that she doesn’t want to spill the beans.  "Something very similar was done to me last year and I don’t want to be a hypocrite", she tells Danielle.  But before we are even able to gather ourselves from hysterical laughter, Jen sings like a bird, and not only about Margaret, but Melissa Gorga as well.  Jen says that Laura says that Marge says that some guy she knows opened the back door of a car, and there was Melissa making out with some guido. 

 

Apparently, the guy who alleged;y saw this was someone who worked with both Marge and Laura. But regardless, it's like a high school game of "telephone".  Also, it depends on HOW it was said; like did Margaret say, “OMG, did you hear Melissa is totally cheating on Joe!”, or did she say, “You aren't going to believe what Mike, that fucking liar from accounting told me!"?   I strongly suspect it was the latter. However, at this point, we don’t know which it is.  But as a viewer, all I keep hearing in my head is that famous line in Valley of the Dolls when another Jennifer (North) played by Sharon Tate, says to Mel (who suspects Neeley O'Hara is cheating), "You know how bitchy fags can be".

 

This information gobsmacks Danielle, and further convinces her that Margaret does indeed possess an arsenal of information that she will use whenever one of the women pisses her off.  But of course, it's really no proof at all, but more like seeing some Jersey hoodrat driving a 2023 Cadillac Escalade and thinking, "Wow they must be really rich and successful!"  The real problem is that when Laura told them, both Jennifer and Teresa believed it.

 

 

That night is Teresa's big bachelorette party.  In the only line that she was given in this week's script, Jackie concedes that even an evil bitch like Teresa Giudice deserves a good time, and Teresa tells us that her first bachelorette party consisted of gawking at cheesy Lonk Oiland male strippers, adding that it would have been better if "Channel Taming" was there.  At the dinner table, shit stirrer Jennifer F suddenly asks Teresa why she suddenly decided to include Dolores and Jennifer in her wedding.  But of course what she's really asking is "Why the fuck did you exclude your own sister-in-law from your wedding party?"

 

I forgot to mention that this topic comes up before they left for the trip. Danielle has a pop-up "event" at Melissa’s store to sell her line, Boujie Kidz. Jennifer Aydin comes waltzing in and asks Melissa if it was weird for her that Teresa made her and Dolores bridesmaids, but not her.  Melissa says she didn’t care and she would never change her mind. She tells Jen, Teresa always blames everything on me ... not the fact that SHE started this and she created the life we’re all living.”  No truer words have ever been said.

 

Yes, Teresa blames everything on Melissa; but it’s still unclear who started it.  Also, there are two ways to interpret "the life we're all living".  Is Melissa referring to her and Joe going on the show which has afforded the (luxurious) lives that ALL of them are living, or is she referring to the never ending chaos and resentment?  I suppose most would say that this is just Teresa being a vengeful bitch, but I would like to think she means “this great  life we’re all living.”

 

 

Back to the bachelorette party and Jennifer's question.  Teresa finds herself in the hotseat as she tries to explain  that Dolores and Jen have always supported her and Louie.  Perfect answer ... but as well know, Teresa never knows when to stop.  She then says she was nervous about asking them because she didn’t want “another big thing” with her brother.  Talk about weak.  Now addressing Melissa directly from across the table, Teresa adds that she didn’t want another thing, “like with your mom.”  She then digs the hole deeper by adding her old excuse that all Joe had to do was ask Teresa why Melissa's fambly wasn't invited.   Huh?  Is this bitch tryng to convince everyone  that she wasn't aware of the slight or did she just playing mind ganes with her brother ... which is it?   IMO, Teresa never intended to invite Melissa’s side, let alone try to make her brother happy, and now she’s blaming the very person who she fucked over.

 

The absurdity continues as Teresa says, “I’m the coolest sister, but then you try to make me look bad. I never throw him under the bus, but he will throw ME under the bus.”  She continues, “This is the happiest time of my life. My brother should make this my happy time!” Oh know you don't bitch ... you are not the one to start with the "shoulds".  YOU should have invited Melissa’s mom and two sisters.  YOU should have stood up for your sister-in-law when Laura talked shit about her. YOU should have told Jennifer that she should never bring the silly rumor about Melissa up on-camera. You should start taking accountability for your actions ... and most of all, you SHOULD ease up on the lip fillers because you are looking like a trout.