‹ Back

Runaway Husband

 

It’s the last night in Cabo, and the women are having the proverbial fight at the dinner table (on the beach). Having just reprimanded Noella for giving her daughter a pornographic risque’ card game, Heather is done for the night and excuses herself. Lapdpg Gina is upset with Noella and leaves the table in tears. Emily gets mad and leaves as well, but returns to the table to retrieve her purse … and to have a few more tequila and shots and act stupid with Shannon. Stupid, meaning the same tired shtick of Emily and Shannon wearing sombreros, getting completely trashed, literally falling all over each other, and flashing their flabby rear ends. They call it a night and Emily throws the giant donkey pinata over her shoulder, saying she’s taking it home. I’m guessing she did the same thing with Shane on the night they met, and 10 years later, here we are.

 

Inexplicably, the ladies are back in the OC, and Heather and Gina go to lunch. If you recall, Heather and Gina have “New York” in common (that is, they both escaped), so that makes them besties. Anyway, Heather invites Gina to go with her and her twins on a college tour in upstate New York. Of course all I'm thinking is as if her kids aren’t fucked up enough already, sending them off to college in NY should surely do the trick.

 

Shannon has the Dubrows and the Simpsons (not those Simpsons, but Homer and Marge would be a lot more fun), over to boyfriend John’s tiny condo on the water for dinner and an evening cruise on his tiny boat. Of course the likelihood of these three couples getting together is absurd, and their interaction proves to be just as awkward as one would imagine.  While out the water, the conversation turns to Emily and Terry’s pent up daddy issues. They both conclude that they are actually grateful (for having asshole fathers), even attributing their professional successes to them, because it made them work harder to “prove their worths” to them.  Somewhere along the conversation, dickhead Terry makes a toast and while everyone raises their glasses, he calls out Morpersian Shane individually, instructing him to raise his "Coca Cola".   I’m remembering now why I could never can’t stand the Dubrows, and apparently we’re just getting started. Somewhere Vicki, Tamra, and Kelly are just nodding their heads like, “The poor audience now has to listen to this crap that we had to put up with for 5 years”.

 

The next day Shannon, Emily, and Noella go to “The Quiet Women”, Newport Beach’s now famous restaurant/bar, largely thanks to Kelly and Shannon's drunken escapades throughout the years on the show. Pot stirrer Emily asks Noella for clarification about something that Dr. Jen told her (about Noella), pertaining to a "stack of vaginas”. It seems that for her husband’s birthday, Noella got two of her special gal pals together for a foursome with her husband. Wearing nothing but stockings and garters, the three women bend over on top of each other, positioning themselves like a vertical row of three “O’s” on a tic tac toe board. Got the picture? Of course, I’m not real experienced with these kinds of things, but it just seems to me that this would be an awful lot of work. First of all, the man could only reach one at a time, and he would probably have to go and get a step stool while the women just lay there waiting for their turn, trying not to suffocate under the weight. Of course Noella has come prepared with pictures for illustration, and Emily and Shannon bravely decide to take a peek. Unfortunately, this scene at the Quiet Woman was only a preview of what was to come.

 

The next night, Emily is hosting “game night”. For some unexplained reason, only Gina, Shannon, and Noella, along with a few of Emily’s real friends, are in attendance. The usual housewife games are played, like putting a plunger between your legs and then trying to screw one of the other players who has a toilet paper roll in between their legs (See RHOD Season 5). Whatever happened to Monopoly and Scrabble? Of course, the “vag stack” thing is brought up, and of course Noella pretends that she’s mad that Jen told the other women about it, but you know she’s loving that she’s inevitably making a “vag stack” a thing. The women decide to recreate it. As predictable and dumb as it sounds, I did have to chuckle, looking at Shannon’s face who was on the bottom, carrying the weight of a hippo and a giraffe. Thankfully (for Shannon), Gina did not hop on board as well, and thankfully (for us), we were spared the pics of this spectacle taken from the rear.

 

Meanwhile, Jen is having Heather over for a little party slash therapy session of their own. Heather arrives with a bag full of crap because Miss Fancy Pants has to micromanage everything, even drinks at someone else’s house. Jen says, “I’m so glad that Heather is hosting in my own house”, but I’m like oh hell no, that’s it … I’m out. But as I’m reaching for the TV remote, Heather opens her bag of goodies to reveal two pineapples and some weird Handy Dandy kitchen device. I’m intrigued, and put down the remote. Seems this thing screws into the pineapple, taking out the core thus creating flawless pineapple rings as well as the prefect hollowed out vessel for her “Collette” champagne. Pineapple champs actually sounds pretty tasty. Okay, I’m back in. With their tropical drinks in hand, the two retreat to Jen’s deck overlooking the twinkly lights of the bay, Jen continues with Heather the ongoing discussion about her troubled marriage. As much as I would like to criticize Miss Know It All, if anoyone knows something about the challenges of being married to a busy doctor, it’s Heather, I’m just not sure how entertaining it is for the rest of us. Anyway, after telling Jen things like, “nurture your relationship”, and “make your family a priority”, she then asks Jen point blank, “Have you thanked Ryne and let him know that you appreciate HIS sacrifice? All I’m thinking is this chick makes it through ten years of skilled higher education, but can’t get a handle on the basic proper care and feeding of (a dumb lug of ) a husband … (((Paging Dr. Laura, STAT!))).

 

The next night after work, Jen and Ryne sit down for a “How was your day?” kibitz in their kitchen, but right off the bat, Ryne just shuts down. When Jen tells him about her day, how hard it is at the office, and how stressed out she is, he just basically ignores her while smothering their Chihuahua with kisses. When she tells him she just wants him to say he’s proud and knows she works hard, he condescendingly and insincerely repeats the words back to her, verbatim. You will remember, we saw this behavior last week, when Jen was having a meltdown in Cabo over the physical pain in her leg, and she called Ryne for some emotional support. At the time, I thought maybe she just caught him at a bad time; like he was in the middle of a Judge Judy or enjoying an afternoon nap or something, but apparently it wasn’t an isolated incident.

 

 

Ryne can barely disguise his own venom. When Jen she tells him that she is feeling very underappreciated, and he isn’t giving her what she needs, he says in confessional, “It’s always the Dr. Jen show”. After several cringy back and forths, he “politely”, but dismissively, tells her that they can talk about it at another time (a.k.a. NOT in front of the cameras), and then warns her that if she keeps pursuing it, he’s going to go for a walk. But Jen ain’t having it continues to push, so as promised, Ryne grabs the leash and Mr. Puppers, and bolts.

 

Stay tuned for next week when Ryne packs his shorts and leaves Jen, and 13 year old Katarina Dubrow comes out as a lesbian. Who knows, maybe stink face Nicole will finally resurface.