Sweat, Lies, and Pornography

 

The Cabos trip continues. The ladies are at dinner, and Noella is acting up like that tired child that you stupidly bring to dinner, and of course, the tequila is not helping. Emily is miserable in the heat and wearing a napkin as a sweat band around her head, Gina (who is on “Noella duty” is becoming increasingly annoyed with her, and then the conversation somehow turns to ménage à trois, or in my world, three ways. Shannon scoffs at the idea and assures us that she and her boyfriend, John, are not into threesomes, as a collective sigh of relief is heard throughout all of Orange County.

 

Meanwhile, Gina is trying to keep Emily from over-indulging and “Hulking out”, and Noella is trying to share with Shannon, the latest drama in her fucked up life. But she keeps getting interrupted by Emily and Gina’s annoying meditation “hummms”, so she picks up her chair and says, “If you’re going to behave like children …”, and moves away from them. This causes Emily and Gina to leave the table, but Shannon brings them back. Gina also has a little chat with Noella, saying, “See, this is what you do,”. Then in a talking head, Gina tells us that Noella always has to make every conversation about herself … how right she is.

 

 

The next day, Heather takes Shannon, Jen, and a local Cabo resident/friend named Tawnie, to tour a $15M 26,000 sq. ft. spread sitting on three beachfront acres.  I had to stop right there, because twenty six THOUSAND square feet sitting on THREE (beachfront) acres in Cabo San Lucas (for $15M) sounded really off to me. So I did a little research, and just as I suspected, images of paltry 6000 sq, ft. homes in Cabo on tiny lots squeezed in between two neighbors in the $12-15M range, start popping up.  Is it a big deal? No, but these housewife shows need to know that there are tons of real estate people paying attention, and you can't just keep thowing out these made up numbers.

 

 

While Heather is rubbing her wealth and happy marriage in Shannon’s face at luxury properties that she has no intention of purchasing, Emily, Gina, and Noella visit a Mexican "sweat lodge", and sweat they do. The already hungover trio enters a mud-dried hut which is supposed to represent the mother’s womb, where they remain until they are overcome with heat exhaustion. Eventually the 97 degree fahrenheit temp does the trick. Emily heaves her tequila soaked tensions, but Noella one ups her by passing out completely. The scene triggered memories of my teenage years, throwing my guts up on any given Saturday night during those sweltering St. Louis Summers.

 

After a well-deserved nap, Emily and Gina meet up with Noella sitting alone on the beach, staring at a bottle of wine. First, we learn that Emily let a sorority sister go down on her in college (earning her a high five from Noella and a look of disgust from Gina), and then Emily tells Noella that Gina had to convince Heather to let her to come on the trip. She says she did this not to stir up shit with Heather, but so that Noella would know that Gina was a good friend to her. Noella is like, ya … whatever.

 

 

Meanwhile, Jen’s bad leg has her in agony, so she’s at the home’s gym trying to work out the pain on a stair master. She calls shirtless house hubby Ryne, begging him for just an ounce of compassion, but she receives nothing but a couple of “Yes Dears”. Since the season started, their relationship has seemed “off”, but this exchange was off the chain. In previews, we see her telling her on the phone telling someone (presumably Ryne) that she doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore, and then tells the women that Ryne packs his bags and left. But recent Insta posts indicate that all is well; in fact she thanks Ryne for holding down the fort and being a great husband and father.  BTW, these are the things that really pisses off Big Pimp Daddy Cohen.

 

That night, the women have a tequila tasting on the beach before dinner. Emily and Gina continue to stir the pot by asking Noella if she is still angry about what happened the night before, but Noella doesn’t bite, and squashes it. SHE, for a change, wants to avoid a fight. But at the other end of the table, Heather says, “This evening? Really?”, accusing Noella of trying to ruin the night with a fight when she is, in fact, trying to avoid one. Noella snaps, “Don’t tell me what to do.”. Heather says, “Okay, I won’t. I have no interest.”. But eventually Noella bites, revealing that she found out she was a “pity invite”. Heather responds, “I didn’t trust you because you gave my daughter a pornographic gift.”. Needless to say, it’s game on.

 

 

As I stated last week, the gift certainly was sexually explicit and highly inappropriate for a 17 year old, but for me, Heather’s calling the gift “pornography” is right up there with Crystal Cunt Foo telling the world that Sutton Stracke “violated” her. To Noella’s credit, she reacts, or at least “acts” appropriately, feigning shock and horror, telling Heather that she looked up LGBTQIAZVBPRWX+ gifts on Amazon and also gave Max several other obnoxious items, like rainbow shoelaces, and a T-shirt, and that she had no idea the game was raunchy. But Heather isn’t letting her off that easy, prompting Noella to say sarcastically, “Oh how dare I not know about your straight fragility”. Heather responds, “I have a couple of gay children, so don’t tell me I have straight fragility”. Whoa stop the presses … a “couple” of gay children? Did Heather just out one of her other children? Noella responds, “I’m a biracial, bisexual liberal freaking woman living in Orange County, don’t tell me I’m inappropriate!”. Jen then reminds us that she’s still there by chiming in, “It’s her child!”.

 

Rather than trying to keep explaining what she’s pissed about, Heather says “Okay, fuck it. I’m just going to read you some of the cards,” prompting a series of “beeps” longer than a Mob Wives fight scene. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” Noella says when she hears the content. Yes, that apology is all Heather wanted, but IMO, both were wrong. Noella wouldn’t take accountability and admit that she made a mistake, and Heather was just hell bent on assuming that Noella was giving Max smut on purpose. Heather continues to scold Noella, telling her that one really needs to know the content of gifts that they give minors these days, adding that she has FOUR teenagers with FOUR different sexual orientations that she’s very proud and supportive of. So again I’m thinking, Whoa! So only one of the Dubrow kids (out of the four) are straight? Is this the first time everyone else is hearing about this, or am I just late for the party?