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Wild Cards

 

Heather has organized a girl’s trip to Cabo, and everyone is invited except the new thirsty bitch who called Heather a fake bitch. No, I don’t mean Jen; I’m talking about Noella. BTW, the same story line played out with a different Heather several seasons back, when RHONY’s Heather (Holla!) Thomson, organized a trip to London for all the girls, but excluded Ramona. So anyway, Jen, Nicole, and Emily go bathing-suit shopping. With a 2-liter bottle of ginger ale in tow, Emily is nursing a mad hangover from Heather’s event for bisexual lesbian daughter Max the night before. She doesn’t seem real enthused about the trip and is already moaning about the heat in Newport Beach (little does she know what she’s in for in Mexico), but such are the sacrifices for being a “real housewife”.

 

 

The scene is really just an opportunity to show Emily in a bathing suit, so the plus-sized fashion show swimwear begins. Emily looks bootyliscious in a one piece (the high heels helped), and surprisingly good in a bikini (actually more of a two piece) as well. This got me thinking, what a missed opportunity to promote pal and former RHOC star, Lizzie Rovsek’s swimwear line. I found it interesting that Emily (hip replacement scars and all) in a one-piece, actually looked better than plastic surgeon Dr. Jen in a bikini, which just goes to prove that a little cushion for the pushin’ ultimately wins.  Bitchface Nicole isn’t making the trip, so she just observed.

 

 

Gina pays a visit to Chateau Dubrow and pleads with Heather to extend an invitation to Noella as well. Also having sprung a divorce on us the minute she first joined the show, Gina can relate to Noella, and she wants us to believe that she is genuinely concerned about Noella feeling left out. Of course in the real world, Heather would say, “Not my problem; F her”. But then again, in what alternative universe would Heather Dubrow be socializing, let alone vacationing with ANY of these women, especially with some crazy woman who called her a fake bitch? Heather has no relationship with any of these women, and for me, that is the underlying problem with this season. But this is what happens when you cast relative strangers together, expecting them to interact and socialize for no apparent reason. It’s really a lose/lose for everyone, because this kind of random casting has a tendency to make the newbies appear awkwardly “forward”, and in Noella’s case, downright clingy.

 

As Gina pleads with Heather to invite Noella to Cabo (as a personal favor to her), Heather fills Gina in on a rather disturbing gift that Noella gave to Max at the book launch party … a lesbian-themed card game. From her phone, Heather then proceeds to rattle off a series of filthy messages on the cards; things like “Licking that pussy right”, “Getting your ass ate”, and several other things that were too “bleeped” to even make out. Heather reminds us that Max is just 17, and calls the messages “pornographic”, and I have to agree, which makes it all the more absurd that she would invite Noella on the trip.

 

All of the ladies fly private to Cabo, except Nicole, because  she’s still miffed at Noella production apparently refused to pay for her, and Noella will arrive later. The oceanfront accommodations are magnificent with plenty of detached casitas for all, but Emily and Gina choose to share one, a.k.a. Ramona and Sonja. Seems biggo strapping Emily is an adequate substitute for Travis when Gina is traveling without him.  A tearful Heather tells the ladies that the Dubrow klan goes to Cabo ten (or more) times a year, so she and Terry are searching to buy (or build) a permanent vacation home there, so her children will always have a place to gather after she’s dead. 

 

Lieutenant Heather lines the ladies up to go over the itinerary for their first day. It's been decided that Heather and Jen will lounge by the pool while Emily, Gina, and Shannon go horseback riding on the beach. All I’m thinking about is how difficult it is for a horse to trudge through sand on hoof, much less lugging a couple hundred pounds on their backs in 100 degree heat.  Back at the house, Jen tells Heather that she had a tumor in her femur bone when she was in her twenties, and they replaced the bone marrow with cement, so lives in pain till day.  Sounds like my arteries.

 

On their first night, while the ladies are enjoying a dinner out, Noella has arrived back at the resort. Miss Thang gets out of the airport limo and tells us that she approves of the accommodations, but is rather pissy about no one being there to greet her, a.k.a. Mary Cosby. All is going well at dinner, that is until Noella comes waltzing in. Immediately the humid night air becomes even thicker, and the tension is palpable. Noella explains that she was late because of passport issues, and a missed flight etc; a.k.a. Kim Richards. She tells the ladies that “This is my first trip not on a private plane, and I didn’t know I needed my passport to leave the country!”. Insert an oh bitch please here ___. Everything at the table is about her. She begins by refusing to drink warm tequila, and snaps at the server, “Can I get it in a glass like this?” She then picks up her water glass, tosses the water on the ground, and then orders him to fill it with ice. But Noella is just getting started.

 

 

When her dinner arrives, Noella refuses to eat it because she doesn’t like the way her octopus was prepared. I’m with her there, because as much as I love seafood, creatures with tentacles will never pass these lips, and I don’t care how it’s prepared. When Emily and Gina tell Noella that perhaps she should at least try to eat the dinner, Noella tells Emily and Gina, “I don’t care what Heather thinks about me!”. As with most of the housewife franchises, the reaction shots from the other women truly make these scenes, and this one is no exception. Heather and Jen are just glaring at Noella in utter disgust. To say they don’t like this chick is an understatement.  Noella is well aware of Miss Fancy Pants' hoity toity ways, and Jen's zero tolerance for foul language, and you can bet she's going to pour it on. 

 

I know I'm hard on Noelle, but there is no question that she has become the breakout star of RHOC. She is the epitome of the TV villain that you love to hate, and to think that they passed on her (reportedly for several seasons) for dullards like Brawny Wynn-Burke and Elizabeth Vargas. Noella is here to stay, and it looks like Jen is in serious danger of becoming the (one and done) Kathryn Edwards to Erika Jayne, on RHOBH.

 

When the episode ends, we get the dreaded “Later this season” trailer, indicating that RHOC will not be airing next week and possibly the week after that. But what’s even more worrisome is that this usually happens at the halfway point in the season, so are we in for another short season (like last year)? So I checked the DVR schedule, and sure enough, it says “0 upcoming episodes”, so it appears RHOC is taking a break. As much as I complain about this season, I am enjoying the hell out of it ... so I'm bumbed!