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A Tele-Noella

 

The episode begins exactly where the last one ended. Emily is throwing a party for her Morpersian husband, Shane, for finally passing the CA bar. Before the holidays, we were left with Shannon taking Heather aside to apologize (again). As a Christmas break cliffhanger, we were left with Heather making a rather ominous threat to Shannon, warning her that she WILL regret it if she ever “comes for her family” again, and not just monetarily. Apparently in Heather’s world, exposing the woman whom you have been befriending as an impostor who sued your husband and used you to get on this show, constitutes “coming for one’s family”. IMO, the Dubrows should be thanking Shannon.

 

As their conversation continues this week, it turns out we were kind of punked, because following Heather’s threat, there was a dot dot dot, as Heather then smiles and says … “I do accept your apology and want to move on.”. Heather then offers Shannon a “pinky swear” making her promise that she will never do it again.  But Heather isn’t quite done yet, and tells Shannon that she needs her to apologize to Terry as well. Shannon agrees, completely unaware that Heather means “like right now”. Within moments Heather returns with Terry in tow, and then perches herself in a seat just a few feet away so she can enjoy the show. Terry accepts Shannon’s tearful apology, and Shannon is relieved that Heather wants to move forward, but all of that is out the window as Heather ignores Shannon throughout the rest of the party, leaving Shannon to wonder why she even bothered (crawling through shit).  When she runs the scene past boyfriend John, and he tells her that it isn't settling with him.

 

Elsewhere at the party, Dr. Jen is sensing that there is tension between herself and Noella, so she approaches her to hopefully clear the (stagnant) air, and of course get in a little camera time. Turns out Jen’s senses are in perfect working order, because Noella does indeed have a few issues with her. Right out of the gate, Noella sets a trap by asking Jen how many times she’s met her. Jen says “I dunno, 5 ot 6?”. Noella quickly corrects her, “Nope, TWO times”. Noella then goes on to say that she found it “disturbing” that having only met her a few times, Jen would have the audacity to ask for a selfie. The audacity! No sweetie, audacity is going up to the sexually confused teenage daughter of a woman you just met and screaming “Are you Max? I’m bisexaul too!”. Anyway, Noella is outraged that Jen then posted the pic AND then tagged Noella. But to make matters worse, the picture was poorly lit! In Noella’s mind, this took all kinds of balls, especially when Jem should have known that she has been working with another med spa for years. She even had to contact Instagram herself to get them to remove it, which of course makes no sense at all.

 

Jen tries to fight back and make sense of all this, but Noella just rudely shuts her down and tells Jen that she finds her to be rather thirsty. So she sarcastically offers Jen a glass of lemonade, tells her “go be relevant somewhere else”, and then walks away. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. In my mind, if Jen was just trying to be relevant, she would be aiming higher, like say kissing Shannon’s ass or starting a fake fight with Heather … oh wait, those positions are already filled. She certainly wouldn’t be coming for Noella, an IRrelevant newbie (at least at the time of filming). By the time the hired belly dancers even finish their last gyrate, the entire group is aware of Jen and Noella’s beef, and already choosing sides. Per the standard “real housewife” blueprint, this will then officially determine the two distinct teams within the group, as well as the seating chart at the reunion.

 

Noella then accuses Jen of being “so thirsty that she needs to pour her a glass of lemonade”. Now I may not be Dr. Drew, but I do recognize “projection” when I see it, and if anyone is thirsty, it’s Noella. In fact, she’s downright parched. She’s past the point of parched … she’s got cotton mouth … worse cotton mouth than Andy Cohen on a Sunday morning. Jen doesn’t come off as necessarily thirsty to me; I’m just not entirely convinced that this reality TV thing is her gig. I think Dr. Jen knows that ultimately, the show is good for her, but she’s not quite sure why, let alone if it’s worth it.

 

But Jen is trying, so in retaliation she begins to spread the rumor? that Noella isn’t really married, which doesn’t really make any sense, at least not at this point.  To believe this, you would have to believe that Noelle is a total psychotic, and made up the entire divorce story. I guess it’s possible, but it seems like Jen might be overreaching just a tad. Jen then goes on about everything being so complicated with Noella. No arguments there.  BTW, Jen is also upset that apparently one night at Brawnwyn's, Noella said that “Tom Ford is God”, which off really offended her religion; however, I refuse to believe that an alleged doctor of medicine silicone is incapable of comprehending figurative speech.

 

In this episode, Shannon reintroduces us to her (divorced) parents.  In the first scene, Shannon and her three daughters are enjoying a dinner out with her 92 year old father, Gene “The Machine”, formally “Big Dick Daddy from Cincinnati” (courtesy of Kelly Dodd). Gene is a delightful spry fellow and apparently still a real playa with the ladies, but thankfully there's no talk about giving women squirting orgasms (ala Aviva Drescher’s creepy dad George). Gene is hopeful that once Shannon’s two remaining daughters leave the nest for college, Shannon will have more time for him. Ever defensive Shannon takes umbrage with this and tells us in a confessional that growing up, Gene was pretty much an absent father.

 

Shannon’s mom, Pat, makes a (Face Time) appearance as well. Shannon is planning a trip with her daughters to visit Pat in Nashville, where she has apparently been living for the past 10 years. This will be the second time that Shannon has visited her, so they are all excited.

 

Noella takes Shannon to meet her quack “Bad Energy Healer”, Dr. Tracy. She lays Shannon out on a table, and while rubbing Shannon’s legs, asks if she has any kids (like she doesn’t already know), and Shannon says, “Why yes!” as if the woman is Miss Cleo. The doctor says “Ah yes, that would explain all this 'kid stuff’ that I’m feeling in here”, and then proceeds to rub the bad "kid" energy out. Nutty Noella watches in amazement.

 

Meanwhile Jen is having the other girls over for an afternoon kiki. Stinkface Nicole is the first to arrive, lugging a Louis Vuitton suitcase on wheels full of cheese (for reasons completely unexplained), and then Emily and Gina arrive as well. The conversation immediately turns to what else, Noella!  Dr. Jen wastes no time repeating the same mantra that Noella is one complicated bitch, not really married, but also mentally unstable, and probably psychotic. Emily seems to be defending Noella to the other ladies, and in her confessionals as well. Again, teams within the group are being formed.

 

Heather and Terry, along with another stinking rich couple, treat Gina and Travis to a day at the (horse) races in Del Mar. They show Gina how the other side really lives; complete with winner’s circle access and box seats. Terry brags that if their number comes in, Miss Fancy Pants will get that private jet (as if her skinny ass has sat on a commercial flight in 15 years). Gina is eating it up and in a confessional, fantasizes about being adopted by Auntie Heather (ouch!). At one point, Gina tells Heather that Noella called her a fake bitch and can’t be trusted, but all she gets out of Heather is a “hmmm”.

 

Finally, (sorry I’m so long on words this week), Emily pays Noella a visit, and it just occurs to me that this is the first time we’re seeing her rental; however, still no sign of Patrick. Noella is her usual mess and tells Emily that her soon to be ex husband, boyfriend, baby daddy or whatever has again served her divorce papers, but this time "it took". Noella explains that at first, the process server arrived and threw the papers at her mother. When that didn’t work, he then sent the papers in a bouquet of flowers, so that Noella would come to the door and physically touch them (and presumably sign).  When Noella points to the infamous bouquet across the room, Emily is outraged and plays therapist, instructing Noella to destroy the bouquet and toss it in the trash (vase and all). The exercise appears to have been effective, but I got the sense that it was more for Emily than Noella.