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Bar None

 

Other than the final scene, this was somewhat of an uneventful episode. I knew we were going to be in trouble when they air a pointless scene of Gina Kitchenhater comparing California flies to her native New York’s flies. Annoyed with the flies in her kitchen, she tells her chubby shack-up honey, Travis, that “the flies in New York are appropriate; they’re on like shit and garbage but not the food in your house.”. To think they edit out a pivotal scene with Emily and Nicole ironing things out for this. On second thought, maybe I would rather talk about the flies than much of anything else that happens in this episode.

 

Noella is continuing to spiral out of control about her husband supposedly “just suddenly” filing for divorce … from Puerto Rico no less! Noella says her husband has completely disappeared and left her in the lurch, cutting her off from access to their bank accounts and credit cards. Emily, a former lawyer herself, says that if he filed for divorce in California, he would not have been able get away any of this. For me, something doesn’t feel right about this entire ordeal; from the timing of the breakdown in her marriage (just as she joins this show), to her fuzzy timeline of the chain of events.

 

Noella is meeting Stinkface Nicole for lunch, and is practically hyperventilating before she even gets to the table. Noella is playing the part for all it’s worth; puffy eyes and no makeup. Speaking of makeup, Nicole is wearing enough for the both of them (and every dame in the joint). As Noella fills Nicole in on what’s happening, Nicole rather unconvincingly, tries to portray herself as a compassionate friend, holding Noella’s hands and repeatedly telling her that “it will get better.”. Although she cautions Noella that alcohol is normally not the answer, she orders Noella a Tito’s.

 

As Noella increasingly becomes a blubbering mess, the concerned waitress brings Noella another tequila, so now Noella is a drunk blubbering mess. She tells Nicole, “I need a hug”, but Nicole doesn’t respond and continues trying to calm her down. So Noella repeats the request, “I need a hug, will you come hug me?”. A reluctant Nicole finally obliges, but she clearly just wants to get the F outta there. Realizing that Noella is creating a spectacle, Nicole says, “Come on. Get up … walk out quietly. There are a lot of people around.”. To me, it's very obvious that these women barely even know, let alone like each other, but I guess cringy scenes like this are inevitable when they cast mere strangers together.

 

Speaking of cringy scenes, Heather arrives at Dr. Jen’s house.  Undoubtedly feeling old as F next to her new cast mates, Heather is wearing a pony tail so tight that she looks like a Chinese Joker. Although she comments on how beautiful Jen’s home is, you can tell she’s thinking “Hmm, so this is how the other half lives.”. They share some champs and admire a few photos of husband Ryne’s bare chest. In a talking head, Heather worries hopes that Ryne NEVER wears a shirt.

 

Meanwhile, Shannon gets in a plug for her respective frozen meals and supplements companies, and we learn that she has put daughter Sophie to work, helping with inventory and packaging. We also learn that Sophie injured herself playing volleyball, so Shannon takes her to see resident OC quack, Dr. Moon. Sophie tells the camera, “I don’t even believe this; I only do it for my mom.”. It’s interesting that a neurotic loon like Shannon turned out such sweet young women. In her own talking head, Shannon acknowledges a couple of sizable payouts from her ex husband, David, but complains that SHE is now paying for “everything” for the girls, including college for the twins, which is just around the corner.  It's kind of hard to believe that the girl's education wasn't negotiated in the settlement. 

 

Emily is having a party for Shane because he finally passed the bar, but only because the state lowered the requirements, allegedly because of the plannedemic. I know I keep repeating it, but I find it hilarous. It’s a rather simple party, especially for a former lawyer turned professional party planner. Actually, it really just more of an afternoon BBQ. All the ladies are on hand, and it is the first time that Shannon and Heather have seen each other since Miss Fancy Pants almost threw Shannon out of her house for blabbing about Nicole suing Terry (like 20 flippin’ years earlier). Despite claiming that she doesn’t want a big scene, Emily makes a bee line for Shannon and says, “Why did you say that we (meaning she and Gina) can’t be trusted and are manipulative to Heather?”. Shannon replies, “I didn’t say that.”. So Emily says, “Let me get Heather.” who is obviously waiting for her cue. Heather says, “Oh, she totally said that.”.

 

Once again, Shannon is left standing there to take the heat, but I’m thinking, how many more times does she have to apologize to this group, especially when they have all been guilty of doing the same thing? Shannon is earning that stay of execution that she was granted when Tamra and Vicki were canned. Being the gracious party guest that she is, Miss Fancy Pants asks Emily if there isn’t some place where she can have a quiet talk with Shannon. Emily directs them to an (obviously pre-arranged) place in her yard where they can have it out. Again, Shannon apologizes as Heather patiently listens. Heather then says, “May I speak now?“. Shannon grants her permission, and Heather ominously says “If you ever come after me or my family ever again, you will lose a lot more than my friendship … this will cost a lot, and I am not saying this as a threat, I am saying it as a promise.”.  Shannon just simply does a "gulp".  And scene.