RHOC:  The Sit Hits the Fan

 

Miss Fancy Pants is hosting a $36,000 cocktail party for a dozen or so of her girlfriends, but that in itself is the problem because Heather is not friends, let alone “girlfriends”, with anyone in this cast. For me, it’s a doomed premise from the start, and having the RHOC cast there at all only made them look like obnoxious party crashers, but we will get into that later.

 

While aimlessly milling around like a fish out of water, Shannon encounters her old acquaintance, Nicole (the new one with the beady eyes). She tells us that everything about Nicole (from 16 years ago) has changed, meaning she’s had extensive plastic surgery. But Shannon should talk, as a pic of Shannon’s former barely recognizable self appears on our screen. Shannon doesn’t understand why Heather would be friends with someone who sued Terry for allegedly botching her boobs, but more on that later.

 

Taking her cue from production, Gina interrupts Heather micromanaging the help in the kitchen, and takes her aside to rat out Shannon for telling everyone that Nicole sued Terry back in the day. Gina then tells us that she didn’t want Heather to look like an asshole in her own house. Yeah, whatevs. Perhaps sensing that she has set her up, Heather excuses herself (to go hunt Shannon down).

 

Meanwhile, Emily and Nicole are getting to know each other privately, and Dr. Jen joins them. You can almost hear production instructing Jen to get in there, because the shit’s about to go down. Emily goes right in commenting on Nicole’s boobs, which is apparently acceptable Newport Beach cocktail party conversation. Nicole says, “There is a long story there.”. After some small talk and mutual boob feeling, Emily then goes in for the kill and asks if true that she sued Terry. Nicole simply says “yes”. Now mind you, at this point, we’re supposed to believe that this chick has been friends with Heather for six years, but never brought it up. Emily continues to pry, and as if a light bulb suddenly comes on in Nicole’s head, she gets really nasty really quickly and says “I will take it up with Heather ... and if I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it, and right now I don’t need it!”. Clearly caught off guard, Emily goes from zero to one hundred and says “Don’t get in mu face and start saying shit to me, especially when I’ve been a friend to you this whole night.”. But Nicole ain’t buying it and says “A friend? Girl, I’ve known you for twenty minutes, so sit down.”. Emily responds, “But I am sitting”. Unable to come up with a clever response, Nicole says, “Sit, sit with your …… “, and gestures around her neck, referencing Emily’s one-shouldered cocktail dress. Emily responds, “You need to direct this anger at someone else.”. As Gina literally tries to drag her away, Emily then screams, “You are trash, have no education, and have never had a job! So YOU sit .. and go eat your sushi, bitch!”. It was a really weird exchange, because first of all, Emily has always been one of the more sane housewives, and secondly, the rage (on both sides) seemed to be so unwarranted. In fact, I had to play it back thinking I missed something. Turns out I didn’t; it was just the usual bad script, and probably some bad editing as well.

 

While this is all going down, Heather breaks the fourth wall, declares that she’s done with the show, and then blocks the camera man filming her. BTW, Kelly Leventhal claims that she has it on good authority that Miss Fancy Pants actually pulled a NeNe and physically assaulted shoved the camera man. More on this as the story develops. Anyway, Heather eventually removes the red velvet rope blocking off the stairs, go upstairs and then re-emerges with Terry in tow. You tell by his black leather motorcycle jacket that Terry is ready to brawl.

 

When Heather reintroduces Terry to her “friend” (of six years), he suddenly realizes that she is in fact the woman who sued him for botching her boobs all those years ago. She tearfully tells him (and we the viewers) that she was a stupid young model and was pressured by her lawyers into suing him. BTW, I wasn’t aware that there were 5 ft. tall models. Terry and Heather are nothing but sympathetic towards her and Terry thanks her for dropping the lawsuit. Heather then tells us that they’re friends and friends deserve second chances. Forget the fact that this bitch has been lying to them for six years.

 

Outside, Emily is still screaming that she wants to “fuck up Nicole really bad”, but Gina and Dr. Jen calm her down and talk her into rejoining the party. Emily declares to Shannon that the real villain is Nicole and tells her than everything she said is true. At this point, I too am wondering why no one else is focusing on this. Meanwhile, Heather has finished straightening out the lawsuit mess between Nicole and Terry, and now must contend with Gina and Shannon. With a glass of champs in one hand and the other in the pocket of her black cocktail dress, Heather directs Gina and Shannon into the hallway for a tongue lashing. Heather scolds both of them for doing this in her home and around her friends, and then goes on about “killing the messenger”, a clear indicator of whose side she’s on (and it ain’t Shannon’s). They both apologize, and then begin blaming and going at each other like two kids who have been called to the principal’s office. But Heather is DONE and dismisses them both. While Gina hightails it outta there, Shannon hangs around pleading for Heather’s forgiveness, but Heather isn’t having it and reminds her that she isn’t afraid to throw people out of her home (See Exhibit A: S9 E10).

 

Not much else happens in this episode. We get a scene of Emily and Shane on a “date night”, with Emily telling Shane (and us) that although she herself is Godless, she is not opposed to their daughter becoming a Mormon. Dr. Jen goes to dinner with her house husband Ryan as well, where apparently shirts are required. Of course conversations with both couples eventually lead to Heather’s dinner party from hell.

 

All I kept thinking was man, what a difference one episode makes. I don’t know if it was the poor editing or the bad acting, but I thought this episode fell flat. We have all learned to accept the fact that the HW series is produced, but this episode had all the authenticity of the proverbial fake wine glass being smashed on a table or against a wall. Actress Heather Dubrow is clearly playing a role. Nicole, with her canned insults, has clearly been brought on to take on Emily. Trying to secure their new jobs, Dr. Jen and Noella roam about from scene to scene, inserting themselves into everyone else’s drama. But they can’t win, because either they come off as too boring, or too chummy too fast. After three seasons, Emily and Gina are still coming off as outside observers with no real ties to anyone on the show, and Shannon has clearly been instructed to bring back the neurotic and paranoid Shannon.

 

The truth is, I was really didn’t even plan on recapping it (which is also why it’s so late), but the more I saw the Bravo machine and all their dutiful followers raving about how EPIC this episode was this week, the more I knew I was going to have to do my little part, and object ... as if anyone cares.