I know I keep bitching about the same things each week, but at this time there are a few new things to bitch about. We may as well accept the annoying “TO BE CONTINUEDs", but it's still hard to believe that they are going to continue the lame (fake) fight between Shannon and Gina, which is something that I'm sure even they don’t care about. Then there was NBC’s apparently permanent, American Song Contest blurb fucking up my screen shots. Then there were the disjointed cutaways to the different dumb story lines like we are watching 10 different shows. Worst of all was the Dubrow informercial, better known as The Dubrow Method; a lifestyle cult that will teach us how to make our marriages last, just like the Dubrows, via plastic surgery, diet, exercise, fashion, having lots of generational wealth … yeah, it’s very relatable.
In case you aren’t aware, Botched and their new total flop is produced by Evolution Media, the same people responsible for giving us yet another forgettable season of RHOC. This whole season has been a trailer for this aforementioned shit show. This is why we’re getting an entire season of Heather Fix My Life! It turns out Heather wasn’t brought back to finally bring a little opulence back to OC like Pimpdaddy Cohen told us. Watching Home Organizer Heather redo Gina’s closet, and watching Dr. Heather fix? Jen and Ryan's marriage, and seeing Party Planner Heather throw lavish parties were all just carefully planned scenes designed to wet our appetites for The Seven Year Stitch. At least knowing that the new show is a total bomb makes it all a little easier to take.
So as the plan continues this week, we get a series of jumbled scenes of Heather and Terry playing TV producers and hosting a “wrap party,” which held in their basement. There are arcade games, a bar, a movie theatre and popcorn maker, different food stations, and even a giant lit sign which encourages privileged Chateau Dubrow invitees to “Play!” (Hobby Lobby $129.00). Perhaps the weirdest thing about the entire episode (and there were many) was the split second shot of one haggard-looking Tamra, a barely recognizable Det. Meghan, and Alopecia Kelly, all standing there loooking like the Witches of Eastwick (before Surandon, Pfieffer, and Cher turned beautiful) listening to Miss Fancy Pants rambing on about their latest “dream come true” project. Speaking of dreams, I literally had to rewind the DVR (still watch TV on a television) to make sure I hadn’t dreampt the whole thing, because like a TV witch from the 70's, poof!~ they were gone. It was like production suddenly realized that they crashed the party, and then texted Pimpdaddy Cohen, who then said “Oh shit, we don’t wanna pay these bitches, get’em outta there!”.
Also in attendance, are this couple named Mike and Nancy, both dead ringers for the Levanthals. Again ... weird! Then we find out that Heather and Terry are BFFs with Richard Marx and Daisy Fuentes, the former MTV VJ who now sells $300 million worth of clothes at Kohls every year, at least according to her Wiki page. First of all, how did I not know that she and Richard Marx were married, but more importantly, if Heather is “friends” with Daisy Fuentes, then why is she not on this goddamn show? I want my MTV (VJ)! Anyway, we are then subjected to a sing along ordered by the one-hit-wonder himself (Marx) who literally seemed pissed and/or embarrassed that his career has come to this.
Also in the episode, we see Shane getting sworn in for the California Bar, and he is so excited (that is as “excited” as Shane is capable of becoming), that he brings the parents, kids, cousins, neighbors, life coach, masseur, and everyone else except his sidepiece(s) to witness the swearing in. At first glance, the judge looks like the late great Antonin Scalia, but of course this being CA, he’s more likely just some 9th circuit loon. We also see Emily meet with some aging thug who was freed from prison for a crime he supposedly didn’t commit, and that’s all I know, because I hit the FF button knowing damn well where that story line was going.
The next day, Gina and her ex, hot Matt, are taking the little ones for a dental checkup. I don’t know on what planet, mom AND dad take the kids to the dentist, but I guess it was as good an opportunity to give Matt a few minutes of airtime as well as a little redemption; that is showing what a good ex-husband and co-parent he is. There’s definitely a real Guido Greaseball way about him, but being a full head shorter than Gina, and Gina outweighing him by at least 30 pounds, it’s a little difficult to believe that he somehow, um … well, I guess that’s ancient history.
Dr. Jen is having a party to launch her new brain scan machine, and again, we get a blast from the past, but this time it’s Jeana Keough. Jeana doesn’t have a speaking part either, but at least she gets an orange graphic of acknowledgement saying her name. For some unexplained reason, Gina’s ex, Matt (and his girlfriend) are there as well. Actually, I do know the reason; Matt’s new girlfriend looks like Kelly Leventhal, and this one looks so much like Kelly that they put a hilarious "Not Kelly" banner in front of her. Although IMO, this chick doesn't look as much like Kelly as the lady at Heather’s party whom I mentioned earlier.
Noella was invited, but only after promising Jen that she would behave herself, and let’s be honest; newbies simply don’t get to decide who films. Anyway, Jen is still mad that Noella (((WHISPERED))) “like we ALL don’t have problems” about Jen when she wanted to bolt from Shannon’s stoned cooking class last week. Never to disappoint, Noella talks shit about Jen at her own party anyway, just the way God and Evolution intended. Heather and Madame arrive late, and with a bucket of KFC in hand (it’s not even worth explaining).
Jen’s tiny $6M dollar dated ranch is packed with an odd mix of guest wishing to have their brains scanned, but they first must endure the hostess’s boring presentation about how the brain is somehow connected to having your tits done. I can only assume that there must have been some potential investors on the guest list. Everything is going well; that is until Shannon arrives and makes a bee line for Gina to call her out on telling people that Shannon is jealous of her. To Shannut’s surprise, Gina actually owns it and just about the time we expect to see the Long Oiland come out in Gina, they give us the damn TO BE CONTINUED. Ugh, I can’t with this shit show anymore … someone pass me the bucket of chicken.
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