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Wined, Dined, and Ryned

 

Another rather pointless episode which reaffirms three things that we already knew; that Dr. Jen Armstrong's marriage is doomed, the Dubrow's are strategic reality TV hustlers, and the RHOC cast still needs some tweaking. 

 

The episode begins with Heather, Jen, and Shannon going to lunch.  They are joined by Heather's friend, Tawnie, who looks like she should be auditioning for a part on Selling Sunset instead a role on RHOC.  Jen talks again about how her house husband, Ryan, isn’t communicating with her and their marriage is shit.  So Heather invites Jen (and Ryan) to a smart dinner party at Chateau Dubrow to show them what a happy marriage looks like ... and of course to give the people a peek at our new show on marriage counseling, and there will be onion rings! 

 

 

Noella visits her friend, another housewife hopeful named Keni.  She's got a palatial palace by the sea and speaks with some kind of weird accent that I can't quite put my finger on.  They drink champagne by her pool and discuss Noella's recent mediation with her ex-husband.  Noella says she shocked and disappointed to discover that she and James were not even in the same room; in fact, he wasn’t even in the same building.  He literally phoned it in via Zoom, or Skype, or Google Meeting or Teams or whatever they use from tax shelters in Puerto Rico.  She did her best to feign disappointment and sadness that all he wanted to talk about was money.  Um ... what else is there to talk about, the latest Orange County housewive whom she is trying to seduce?  

 

Emily is planning her daughter Annabelle’s Mormon baptism and says repreatedly that she just doesn't know why her daughter's babtism is making her so emotional.  She shares with Shane that she wishes she knew her dad growing up , and his response is "Yeah well we all wish for things.".  Emily then tells Shane he's a “good man,” to which he responds, “I don’t need a stack of vaginas.".

 

 

Shane's parents host the babtism party at their palace and we're reminded of what exactly Emily ever saw in the little dork in the first place.  If you didn't blink, you would have spotted Lizzie Rovsek sitting at the table chomping on a Persian chicken kebob.  Eight seasons later, and poor sweet Lizzie still doesn't even get the respect of getting miced up for a simple "Hello, thanks for inviting me.". 

 

Gina has Heather over to her Casita, who shows up with a monogrammed shopping bag that reads “Dubrow”.  She then wheels in (I guess for dramtaic effect) a covered rack that contains just two of the same pink jacket in two sizes because she didn''t know Gina's size.  Who knew Chanel made jackets that can accomodate back humps.  Heather is there to not only  help  instruct Gina on how to "look and dress the part of a business owner", but also to go through her closet and weed out all the unnecessary clothes, including Gina’s wedding dress and old prom dress.  Marriage counselor/lifestyle coach Heather tells and apprehensive Gina that she must let it all go, and there is a sweet big-sis, little-sis dynamic going on here, but what I hate about this season is that everything is centered around how amazing and perfect Heather is, and I find it very tiring.

 

Shannon and John go to The Quiet Woman, and while Shannon acknowledges that they have seated them at "her" booth, what a missed opportunity for she and John to reenact the scene where Shannut throws Lydia’s plate at Kelly and screams, “That’s not my plate, you fucking bitch!” ... but they don't even show the now infamous clip.  Anyway, Shannon is mad that Gina said that Shannon is jealous of HER, and has no friends.  Huh?  Jelly of what ... Gina's crappy apartment where SIX kids have to share a sink and a toilet?  Actually, John is more annoyed than Shannon, but regardless, it's a manufactured story line that I couldn't care less about, and unfortunately, we’re going to have to follow this baloney until the bitter end.

 

Finally, we get to dinner at Chateau Dubrow, and Heather is like, “Oh, I just pulled this together at the last minute,” and then we see her tablescape, and there is the finest crystral, napkin rings, orchids in little glass domes (smoked everything is the latest rage), printed-out menus, party favors, and a fucking army of servants who have been instructed to wait on her guests every need.  I can't with Miss Fancy Pants' fake modesty. 

 

As mentioned, Heather invites Jen and Ryan as well as two other couples; one of whom we met when they brought Gina and Travis along to Del Mar for a day of horse racing.  Remember, this is all part of Heather's exercise in marriage counseling; to show Jen and Ryan how happy couples treat each other watch very wealthy people gloat.   So they can talk about how they’ve been married for so long, and the reason they have a successful marriage is because the guy wakes up every day and says, “Sorry, baby" as they fake laugh and slap each other on the arms.  Meanwhile,  I want to die.

 

 

Jen and Ryan are the first to arrive, and Ryan gets out of the limo uber looking like he's being led to his execution.  Their hosts greet them at the door, and before the door is even closed, Heather offers them a drink to which Ryan says, "I'll just have water".  Jen immediatley nervously chimes in proclaiming that Ryan has never even tasted alcohol. Terry snarkily retorts, "Wow ... really? Marijuana? Cocaine? Heroin?" ... and the races are on.  Between boating with a dry Persian Mormon (in last week's episode) and now this one, Terry has clearly about had it with these holier than thou house husbands.  Ryan is wearing a black golf shirt, black slacks, and a black pair of loafers with tiny little Nike ankle socks .. thank God they were black as well.  Apparently he hasn't gotten the memo that we are boycotting Nike.  He awkwardly tells the Dubrows that he seldom wears shoes as Heather quickly thanks him (in a talking head).  After a few minutes of cringy awkwardness, the men and women separate as Terry leads Ryan downstairs to the gallows.  Downstairs, Terry begins to analyze Ryan by gathering data, thinly disguised as innocent questions.  The annoying thing is, Ryan is clearly in on the shtick, and holds nothing back.  Pent up rage doesn't even begin to describe the issues Ryan has with Jen. 

 

The subtle contempt continues at the dinner table where the other two couples have now joined them.  We are now in a full on preview of "7 Year Stitch" as Heather asks how they met, and Dr. Jen tells the story while making Ryan twist his chair just so and making him hold her just right ... she’s making him tell the stories SHE wants. Dr. Heather asks Ryne his side, and he says, “We’ll just go with what she said.”. Heather then goes through all of these gymnastics to draw him out, but Jen keeps cutting him off.  It's unfortunate that Miss Fancy Pants didn't have the foresight to cut Jen off, because she's now completely trashed ... like slurry Slurinda trashed.  But Heather eventually manages to get Jen to stfu.  Unfortunately it's too late, and like a petulant child, Ryan goes off to play with his phone and chomp on gum completely unaware that everyone at the table can still see him.

 

It's not clear where all this contempt comes from, and I'm wondering what came first the chicken or the egg ... meaning is the Armstrong marriage really on the rocks, or have they been brought on the show just as players to promote the Dubrows new show.  For me, the timing is suspect.  I guess it could be a combination of all three ... maybe Ryan only begrudgingly agreed to be on the show, found out that he doesn’t want to be on-camera, and sure as hell doesn't want to discuss his unconventional marriage on camera.  Come to think of it, while doing some male bonding in the man cave, he did tell Terry earlier that he used to be a professional poker player, which is so on the nose that Terry should have offered him some free rhinoplasty.  Yeah, I think Ryne was roped into this and doesn’t want to play ball.  But if that's the case, then don’t show up ... don't film. There, problem solved ... that will be $250 please ... please pay the receptionist on the way out.