Edible Derangements

 

 

As if my expectations for this episode were not already low enough, we begin with the entire Dubrow clan entering Nobu, for a family dinner which goes on and on and on. As we all know by now, everything with the Dubrows is calculated, so something is definitely up with all this in-your-face advertising for Nubo his season. They ain’t just there for the free Sushi Maki … could another spin-off be in the works? Hmm, “Dubrow Nubu” does have a nice ring to it. Anyway, back to the dinner. There is tension between big bisexual sister Max, and middle lesbian sister Kat. Oh, I forgot to mention, Nick casually mentioned that Kat is gay. I know what your thinking; isn’t it odd that the butchy one is allegedly “bi” and the more feminine one is full on gay? BTW, no word yet on Coco’s sexual orientation, but Heather assured us that her (four) children are comprised of four different sexual persuasions, so my money is still on her being a trans kid, although I guess it’s possible that Coco is a 1000-lb Sister fan, and may come out as “pansexual”. All I know is this family is a circus of sexuality. Where was I? Oh yeah, Max is jealous that Kat is stealing her thunder, maybe even getting pornographic game cards from Heather’s enemies, and Kat is jealous that everyone loves Max. Miss Fancy Pants scolds big brother Nick, telling him that he should be more understanding to their situation, whatever the F that means. Meanwhile, puppet face Terry jokes, “Did you kids think me and mom were paying?”. Where is Waylon when we need him?

 

We’re not quite done with exploiting the children’s sexual orientations quite yet. We also get a scene with proud mom Heather and Kat in their garden wearing matching aprons. Kat tells her mom that she’s thinking of taking down the giant rainbow flag in her room because someone commented on her Tik Tok, “Gay at 14? WTF?”. Heather takes umbrage with this, and in very un-Heather Dubrow-like way, says to Kat “I think they can go fck themselves.”. Personally, I don’t subscribe to such grandiose announcements of one’s sexuality, but I guess yay for Heather and her unconditional love for her kids. But having said that, the Dubrows clearly haven’t gotten the memo. This is just one middle-aged Midwestern mo’s opinion, but I think all this “Look at me!” attention on sexuality goes against the very thing that most gays (in the real world) strive for, that is normalcy and irrelevance. The truth is, most of us just want to be beige paint blending into the woodwork.

 

 

Emily and Noella go for the proverbial mannies and petties. For their foot baths, Emily chooses lavender and chamomile and Noella chooses champagne and rosewater. I’m thinking how hilarious it would have been had Noella chosen “Olive Oil” and basil (insert your own joke). The conversation turns to what else, Noella and her divorce. Emily is becoming increasingly annoyed with Noella’s drama and calls her suffocating, and what’s worse, it’s always about HER; she never inquires how anyone else is doing. But Olive Oil Noella tells us that she’s just a true Gemini. I wasn’t aware that Geminis were self-absorbed assholes, but whatever.

 

Shannon is hosting a production ordered luncheon at her home, that is the rental that she’s kissing away $12K a month for. Throwing away $144K a year on “rent” tears my guts out, but it is a spectacular home; bright, cheery, and Nautical chic’ (totally my style). Although I do have to say that it seems like a bargain, because this place would easily be going for $12K a month, just about anywhere else in the country, let alone Newport Beach. Even though she hired a chef, Shannon is frazzled because first of all, she doesn’t like to host during the day because she “doesn’t DO lunch!” (I’m with ya sister), but also because she forgot the appetizer, and “Appetizers are step one of every meal!”. As Shannon proceeds to micromanage the entire preparation, the defeated chef, simply acknowledges Shannon with a series of hilariously sarcastic “ok’s”.

 

On Heather and Jen’s ride together to Shannon’s, Jen tells Heather that  Ryne Ryan packed his bags and moved out the night before. You will remember that last week ended with Ryan refusing to air their marriage problems on television. She doesn’t mind sharing with marriage counselor Heather, but doesn’t want to share the information with the other ladies. But then once they arrive at Shannon’s, Jen blurts out that she’s having a bad day, which of course prompts the ladies to ask “What’s wrong?”. Again, Jen pushes “play” … “Ryan packed his bags and moved out last night.”.

 

 

Heather has gifted the hostess with a pretty red box of THC edibles. Who knew Baccarat got into the marijuana business? Turns out Heather had recently introduced Shannon to “micro dosing”, which is just a pretty term for getting high. But regardless, this is getting good … a stoned Miss Fancy Pants and Shannut may be exactly what this season has been missing.

 

Over lunch, the conversation about Jen’s fake marriage problems continue, and Emily accuses Noella of trying to change the narrative and make it all about her. IMO, Noella can’t win here, because she IS going through a divorce, so who better than her to offer Jen some advice? The problem is, talking about divorce is jumping the gun just a tad, and it also doesn’t help that she said “Seeing Jen in pain was a beautiful thing”. Huh? Well she meant well. Emily is quick to note that Noella only connects with the other women when they are going through something sad and horrible, and then leaves the table. When Heather tries to get her back to the table, Emily says “Ok, but I think I’m going to need a Valium or something”. Shannon has just the thing, and breaks out the edibles which dope pusher Heather just gave her. We are then treated to another hilarious trippy visual, reminiscent of D’Andra’s meditation soiree with her Sheman/hairdresser, Darrin, sans the psychedelics.

 

 

The episode concludes with Shannon and Emily having a cocktails and dinner at another cool Newport Beach haunt. They are joined by Dr. Jen, who looks like she’s wasting no time looking for another billionaire boyfriend; one who will fulfill her emotionally, but won’t sue her. Donned in a skin tight black cocktail dress and with the girls on full display, Jen makes her way to the table to join Shannon and Emily. I had to laugh as the older woman at the next table just could not stop staring at her. Jen announces that Ryan came home the next morning (after leaving her), and they had a good conversation and actually held hands. But the reunion was short lived, and he left again, I’m guessing when production showed up. However, Jen doesn’t seem particularly broken up about it, and orders a “filthy” dirty Martini and even some forbidden fried food! In a talking head, Shannon tells us that Jen’s behavior is classic housewife in crises behavior, that she knows personally all too well.

 

The conversation then turns to Shannon, courtesy of pot stirrer Emily, as she throws Shannon a double punch. First, she asks Shannon if she’s jealous of Gina and Heather’s (fake TV) relationship, and but Shannon doesn’t bite, and simply responds, “No, I have my own relationship with Heather”. So then Emily goes in for the kill, telling her that Gina thinks she’s jealous of her. Huh? They then play a flashback of unseen footage at Shannon’s luncheon, where everyone is congratulating Gina on her new skin care line, that is everyone except Shannon. Shannon eventually musters up a very weak, “We’re so proud of you” (obviously just to cover her ass), but she says it with the same dead cadence she used when Gina gave Shannon a tour of her crappy condo, and also when touring Chateau Dubrow. But I think Gina is misreading Shannon … it’s not that Shannon is jealous of Gina’s relationship with Heather, or her new skin care line; it’s just that Shannon can’t be happy for other people.