Fancy Pants is Back

 

 

 

A luxury car pulls up under the porte-cochère of a magnificent mansion in the Orange County ocean side neighborhood of Crystal Cove. The camera follows only two slender legs exiting the vehicle and entering the home. From the foyer, a pair of Jimmy Choos clack along the polished marble floors making their mile long trek towards the rear of the home as motor powered glass doors open to reveal a breathtaking Pacific Ocean view. ”Hello, I’m back”, Heather Dubrow announces to the viewers. Yes, Miss Fancy Pants is back to save the show, along with her plastic surgeon husband, Terry, now a reality star in his own right. Will she do it? Time will only tell, but this premier certainly did not feel like any other season of the Real Housewives of Orange County thus far.

 

As with all returning “housewives”, we do a lot of of catching up with Heather and her family which is in itself, a step in the right direction, because while referring to Heather as a “housewife” might be somewhat of a stretch, at least she is actually married. Heather and her family sit down to enjoy a dinner prepared by their hunky chef Nick, and we get reacquainted with her kids; Collette 10, Katarina, 14, and 17 year old twins, Nicholas and Maximillia. Speaking of hunky Nicks, while Nicholas is no Shane Keough, but he has definitely matured into a strikingly handsome young man, and “Max” has … um … we will be talking a lot of about her later.

 

 

 

Next, we see Emily and Gina attending a Pilates class. Gina has lost a bunch of weight, and Emily has gained a ton, which totally contradicts all the reports about her weight LOSS. Emily tells us that her Persian putz of a husband, Shane, has finally passed the bar … but only because CA lowered the scoring due to Covid, and I suspect a whole lotta CA liberal gobbily gook about “self-esteem and confidence”. It certainly would explain Kim Kardashian recently passing her bar. In a hilarious talking head, Gina notes that they lowered the bar so  Midget Mormon Shane could pass it.  Incidentally, I'm never going to like Gina (on this show), but at least she finally got her hair right. 

 

Finally, we catch up with Shannon Beador, who is still with her boyfriend, John, and still trying to get her teenage daughters to cover their bellies. Speaking of bellies, Shannon has managed to keep the weight off, but she’s really looking rough. The harsh HD cameras aren’t helping, but she can definitely use another cosmetic tune up, and the same goes for Heather.

 

We meet all of the new girls, and by “girls”, I mean adult women who should never be called girls, particularly by a middle-aged man writing this. First off is Nicole, a  friend acquaintance of Heather’s, whose daughters shared the same dance class. Nicole’s claim to fame is that she allegedly once dated Kid Rock (after Pamela Anderson), a pleasant reminder for me that  we are dealing with Orange County Republican women here (although the jury is still out on Miss Fancy Pants).

 

 

Over lunch as Nobu, Nicole introduces Heather to Noella, who is easily my personal new favorite. Even before the season started, there has been (deliberately planted) tabloid fodder about her crumbling marriage and husband owing millions to the IRS. As the ridiculous red getup that she’s wearing to this lunch suggests, Noella is going to be a lot of fun. I mean, what’s not to like about a bisexual Mulato with a sex dungeon? Incidentally, Noella used to hookup with Braunwyn, who is thankfully no longer on the show.

 

 

Gina and Emily go to see Dr. Jen, the third recent "Jen" in the housewife stratosphere. They met at Brawny’s pointless vow renewal last year. But this Jen is not an accused felon or Vietnamese migrant seeking asylum; this Jen is a plastic surgeon. I’m digging Dr. Jen as well, and especially her hot hubby (Ryan) and his aversion to shirts. Jen tells us that until recently, Ryan was a stay at home father which explains the time he was able to devote to those chiseled pecs …………. I’m sorry, where were we? I think I zoned out there for a second.

 

Basically as a means to connect all these random women together (and under one roof), Heather is throwing a party. Living up to the show’s obvious contractual obligation, Nobu is mentioned once again.  She has hired the famed L.A. eatery to cater the affair.  BTW, while I am enjoying the hell out of  the premier thus far, there will always be a soft spot in my heart for COTO and Cut Fitness. But at the same time, there is no denying that Miss Fancy Pants and this new cast is bringing a much needed new sense  and glitz to the show. In fact, it’s hard to believe that this is the same show that only last season, gave us Gina’s sad condo, and Shannon and Kelly’s neighboring rentals.

 

Speaking of Shannon, as Heather gives she and Gina a guided tour of her palace earlier in the show, glimpses of the old neurotic Shannon begin to surface. She is still mourning the loss of her own Crystal Cove palace. I get it; Shannon was the one with the gift wrapping room and basketball court in her basement, and then Heather comes along with her heated towel drawers and push button call for instant “Champs”. Don’t get me wrong, the Dubrow’s new home is spectacular, but enough already with the McMansion monstrosity worship. I’m already as sick of Bravo pushing “Chateau Dubrow” as I am Kathy Hilton.

 

 

 

If the premier is any indication, it looks like the RHOC is back on track. My favorite seaosn by far were of Heather torturing Shannon, almost to the point a CA 5150 involuntary lockup. Also, it turns out that Shannut knows Nicole. Their children went to pre-school together (yeah, that’s a stretch), and during a drunken lunch of Grey Goose and Titos, Shannon told Emily and Gina that Nicole once sued (or is suing) Jigsaw, otherwise known as Dr. Terry Dubrow. At this point, it doesn’t make a lot of sense, because wouldn’t Heather know that, and if so, why would she then introduce her as her friend?

 

 

To find out the answers, we will have to wait until next week’s episode when things heat up at Heather’s party. One thing is for sure; between eating the bow off a cake at one of her parties, and using foul language within the earshot of her sleeping children, we all know that Miss Fancy Pants is not afraid to throw anyone out of her house, and I have a feeling that isn’t going to change anytime soon.