You Can't DB Serious

 

 

 

The episode begins with Emily bringing 9 yr. old daughter Annabelle to a modeling agency. The gay photographer falls in love with her, and the owner of the agency calls her a natural; however, the way this kid likes to perform, I think she's a natural for the stage. Karlyn Nyguyen and Milania Guidice got nothin' on this kid.  

 

As we learned from the last episode, the ladies are headed to Montana, for their first girl's trip of the season, although I would have though Oklahoma would have been the natural choice. We get the proverbial scene(s) of everyone shopping and packing for the trip. Apparently, we're supposed to believe that none of these (California) women own a pair of cowboy boots or a cute cowgirl hat, let alone the two Oklahoma transplants. This of course provides Miss Fancy Pants the opportunity to play the rich Clueless JAP who doesn't know the difference in Gucci fashion boots and western boots, which of course gives her team of stylists a laugh. The running gag throughout the episode are the women's obsession with "assless chaps". If I may interject; chaps ARE assless ... so the term is rather redundant, but I guess it sounds funny.

 

Dressed like a billboard for CUT Fitness (may it R.I.P.), Eddie comes into the bedroom to give Tamra her birthday gift. It’s a pair of Louis Vuitton boots from the 1966 "Herman Munster Collection". Tamra feigns gratitude and throws them into her suitcase ... 1. Outfit For Shoveling Horse Shit in Montana ... √ (check).  

 

As the women gather in the airport lounge waiting for their flight, Heather asks "Where's Emily?", and just them she calls, letting them know that she tested positive for the plannedemic hoax. MAGA Emily can't help herself and let's us know in a confessional that she feels completely fine, undoubtedly still annoyed that she played along with the hoax two seasons ago when she was feigning near death for Shane. Hey, I'm not judging; because as you guys know, I was as duped as everyone else. BTW, I never did thank you all for not calling me a drama queen when I "was dying" exactly one year ago.  

 

The ladies land in MSO, that's Missoula, MT to you civilians. The first thing I noticed was that MSO now offers int'l jet service. When I worked in the industry back in the stone age, Missoula was just a commuter airport, only offering "plane service", meaning planes with propellers. I remember, we were given strict instructions to verbally inform passengers that plane service was the only option, and failure to do was was cause for immediate termination. Supposedly some dumb lib sued (and won) when they unknowingly found out that their itinerary included boarding a prop plane. I mean, we aren't talking Waldo Pepper open air biplanes here, but I guess I do see their point. The ranch manager greets the ladies and whisks them off to their destination.  

 

Alpine Falls Ranch is truly spectacular, consisting of individual cabins, a 2 bedroom bunk house, and a large villa.  We get all the usual pandemonium with the ladies frantically searching for the best rooms. Shannon is being her usual Debbie Downer self after declaring that the bunkhouse kitchen is too tiny to cook in .... apparently she plans on cooking on this trip.  So she begrudgingly sets out for the big house with Heather, Tamra, and Taylor.   The "villa" is a 10,000 sq. ft. rustic palace with 14 bedrooms, a movie theater, a fully stocked bar, and private gym (which starts at $5000 per night ... I checked).  But even there, Shannon's still got on her stink face.  As Tamra tells us, there's "Sad Shannon", and there's "Happy Shannon", but where's "Vacation Shannon"? Taylor production then decides to send Taylor back to the bunk house making up some ridiculous story about her room in the villa having too much glass which which somehow makes her hot flashes worse. However, I'm guessing that the full time orange holders probably had something to do with that little last minute decision.  Also, we all know the HW formular ... no matter whose fighting with who, the teams are always even.   So Taylor schleps back to the bunk house to stay with Gina and Jenn.  

 

 

After all the ladies settle it, they go mechanical bull riding.  Yes, this is one of those over played HW scenes, but for some reason, I never tire of seeing these women being whipped around thrown like rag dolls.  To no one's surprise, Tamra rides it like a champ, but fears she tore her vag on the fall.  Speaking of vag's, Shannon passes, citing some kind of bony vag condition, whatever that means.  Heather passes as well, but the other women all join in on the fun. ™️Calcium Plus.

 

Following bull riding, the ladies enjoy an incredible BBQ at the ranch.  Tamra gets the ball rolling by asking Taylor to share "something" with the group to help them get to know her better.  Without hesitation, Taylor blurts out that she's bisexual.  Now that's what I call an ice breaker.  We're not talking about a drunk random sorority house make out session back in college; we're talking 5 yr. full on lesbian relationship just prior to her marriage to Russell.  Although I'm not sure why this would be relevant information, let alone dinner conversation, I did appreciate her confessional where she said "I'm open to all people with great souls whom I could love".  I'll have to remember that one. 

 

Jenn then shares with the group that she was once a flight attendant, but what's more interesting is that Jenn's soon-to-be ex husband apparently chose "me" when Jenn offered him the proverbial "coffee, tea, or me?" during some random flight.  The plot thickens.   Gina then shares that she too was a flight attendant and hopes that this commonality outweighs her negative attitude she has towards Jenn due to her infidelity.  Again, we are supposed to just ignore the fact that Gina moved some random dude into her home (with three small children) when she was still married. 

 

Amidst this deep discussion, Shannon excuses herself from the table to go check on her 18 yr. old daughters who were left alone because the babysitter bailed.  After dinner, the women head for the resort's saloon.  Low and behold, Shannon reappears ... looking like Miss Kitty from Gunsmoke. You guessed it, turns out her exit from the dinner table was all an act ... "fun" Shannon has arrived.  Personally, I would have preferred the return of Brett Michaels.

 

The episode ends with a silly fight.  Taylor Armstrong feels like Heather Dubrow was condescending to her when she offered her a role in her movie (now that is a sentence that I never thought I was would be typing).  was put off my  about her when she was offered a part in her movie.   Apparently Eyebrow Armstrong is not aware that Heather breathes condescension like most people breathe air.  Heather finds out that the producers wanted to see her acting reel because they didn’t know what she had done.   All I can think about is that scene in Mommie Dearest when Carol Anne tells Christina, "The studio is making your mother do a screen test".  Well Fancy Pants isn't having it; she is an accomplished actreese!  Shit stirrer Tamra then interjects, informing Heather that Taylor was  kind of dissing her resume' on IMDB.

 

 

Never one to walk away from a fight, Miss Oklahoma only double downs, complimenting, yet trashing Heather's work as an actress, thus proving that as a "housewife", she's still got it.  The whole thing reeks of scripted story line, but I’m here for it.   As a powerful force to be reckoned with herself, Heather then goes full on Julia Sugarbaker, telling Taylor "For you to sit here and denigrate my career is anti-female, extremely rude, and just not nice ... and for you to offer me something that was not yours to offer me in the first place ... and then shit talk MY career to all MY friends ... fuck you".  End scene.