Here Comes The Judge

 

In the opening scene, Tamra Judge comes roaring back to the Real Housewives of Orange County on her Harley.  Sure Tamra, show me an allegedly woke chick on a Harley Davidson and I'll introduce ya'll to some Vegan chicks at Trump's next rally in Waco, TX.  Tamra arrives at home, but wait ... this is their old house!  In his tighter than tight American flag t-shirt, newly retired unemployed Eddie is  engrossed in re-hanging Live Laugh Love plagues courtesy of Hobby Lobby.  OK, now I'm REALLY getting worried.  As they ponder what to prepare for dinner, Tammy Sue Senior enters the room.  Sandy is staying in their “casita", which is what Californians apparently call storage spaces above their garages.  The conversation quickly turns to soundproofing Sandy's room, so Tamra’s 17 year old daughter doesn’t hear Grandma's moans of pleasure when she's "entertaining".

 

 

Emily and Shannon (along with Archie and Emily's new dog) meet up for a hike.  As in most HW premier episodes, it's obvious from the get go that these two haven't even spoken, let alone seen each other since filming wrapped a year before, or in OC's case, two years before.  Of course, they're there for only one reason ... to talk aboutTamra rejoining the show.  Shannon says that as soon as Tamra got fired, she started trash talking and making up lies about the demise of their friendship. The "fourth wall" has been officially broken as they repeatedly reference "the show" and "being fired", but the most shocking thing about this scene (if not the entire episode) is watching Emily lapping up the remainng water from Archie's dog bowl.  Emily tells the producers that she read somewhere that dog's mouths are cleaner than humans.  Apparently she's never seen her new pooch licking his own asshole clean. 

 

While it's true that Tamra has been trash talking shit about everyone on the show, she most hurt that Shannon ghosted her. Tamra feel like once she was off the show, Shannon just simply had no use for her.  But Shannon says that Tamra was trying to start a fight with her just to remain relevant.  I'm team Tamra on this one, because her frustration over Shannon suddenly dropping her as a friend is well documented, from the moment she was fired. 

 

As with most HW spats, Tamra and Shannon's is being exaggerated for television, but their fight almost seems legit compared to the one between Heather Dubrow and Gina.  We catch up with Fancy Pants  as she's bringing Terry home from some kind of knee injury, which undoubtedly happened in one of The Abbey's bathroom stalls (he's lucky he didn't shatter a hip!).  As Heather puts the old queen to bed, she pours her heart out over the trauma she's suffering because the ditz from Lonk Oiland has ghosted her.  Together they wonder if maybe people don't invite them to things because the they know the Dubrows are just so above everyone else.  Thespian Heather kicks into gear as she tells Terry, “I thought we were friends friends.” 

 

 

Cue Gina who just happens to be riding around Crystal Cove with a gift bag full of free swag that she plans on re-gifting  to Heather's daughter who is headed off to college.  Heather is happy to hear from her long lost TV friend but feels like she needs to clear the air with her before they can continue their fake TV friendship,  Gina gives some weird excuse about her kids and their camp and going to New York and all of this bullshit that doesn’t make sense, but eventually gets to the meat of the matter.  You guessed it; Gina didn’t invite Heather to some of her events because she didn’t think they were fancy enough for her.  Heather scoffs at this, just like Terry did two minutes before (as viewers all across America throw their slippers at their TV sets).  Yes, it's a fight about whether they’re real friends or "TV show friends", but they don't really address it ... so apparently the fourth wall is fully intact.  I just wish the producers would pick a lane, once and for all.

 

On the flipside, the fight between Tamra and Shannon, the fourth wall has been completely demolished, courtesy of Two T’s in a Pod. Their fight is about what happens when you are kicked off the show, and it is a fight about what happens when you come back on the show ... the final frontier of housewifery as it were.

 

We meet (yet another) Jenn, who's a dead ringer for original OC housewive, Lauri Peterson but is giving me Brawny vibes.  The Eileen Davidson Accord prevents me from completely judging her yet, but excuse me for being skeptical about a new divorcee who rolls into town surrounded by moving boxes in her Newport Beach rental.  Facto in the hot boyfriend whom she met at (the now defunct) Cut Fitness and the fact that she's a yoga instructor.  We learn that she comes from Oklahoma, where her ex runs the family business, and during the divorce her family took HIS side ... red flag #50.

 

 

 

Jenn gets all of the ladies together for a yoga "retreat", which means they will also be serving food.  This will be the first time that Shannon and Tamra have laid eyes on each other, since the devil himself put Tamra on pause.  During the yoga workout, Tamra's anxiety is palpable, but she manages to awkwardly say hello to Shannon, but then just basically ignore each other.  Then at the buffet table, just as Emily and Gina are coaching Tamra on how to break the ice with Shannut, the neurotic mess herself shows up to grab a Lit'l turkey smokie and hears their conversation.  There's a lesson to be learned here; never talk shit in the ladies lounge when you can’t see who is in the stalls, and never talk shit at the buffet table. 

 

Emily and Gina hightail it outta there leaving the two former Amiga besties to exchange sweet pleasantries.  Shannon tells Tamra how great her life is, oblivious to the fact that John is just waiting until filming is over to totally dump her ass.  In contrast, Tamra unloads on how her life has sucked after getting fired.  The Covid hoax finally shut down Cut Fitness, she lost her house, her dog died, and she has to listen to her 70 year mother getting banged by some ugly homeless-looking Chinese dude.  It seems like they are on the right track to making up, but then they flash ahead to the previews of what awaits during this season.