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The Crystal Conundrum

 

 

The ladies are still in Palm Springs, and it's the morning after Crystal Cunt Foo's poorly acted breakdown over drama from LAST season.  Caution: The use of several liberal snowflake buzzwords ahead.  It turns out, Crystal has been harboring ill feelings towards the entire group for over a year, and watching Sutton being duly chastized over her less than sympathetic response to Dorit's alleged home invasion, is giving Crystal PTSD.  She wants us to believe that she is triggered watching Sutton squirm and excuse her way out of coming off like the insensitive monster that she is, and feels that like herself, Sutton's feelings are not being validated.  So because she no longer felt safe, she left Kyle's home in a huff the night before. 

 

It's all so ridiculous, and as a viewer, all I'm thinking about is how Crystal was obviously put on notice by production this season to step up her game, or get out.  But also, production is unintentionally confirming what we already knew; that Crystal has NO relationships with anyone on this show and probably hasn't even seen any of these evil White bitches since LAST year's reunion.  As this crap unfolds, you can literally see the exasperation and tedium on the Fox Force Five's faces, which apparently now includes Garcelle.   Yes, Garcelle has now gone to the dark side (more on "dark" later).

 

 

So Dr. Garcelle gets Crystal on the phone and talks her into coming back to Kyle's to clear the air.  While waiting for Crystal, hostess Kyle summons Door Dash for a few Bloody Mary's and Mimosa's (who knew?), and the conversation turns to Dorit, who announces that she didn't sleep a wink.  Yes friends, she is going to be milking this alleged home invasion thing for all it's worth.  Kunty chimes in and says, "Dorit, you should talk to Lisa's mom, Lois!".  If you remember, Lois survived an attack from a serial killer back in the day.   You can't even make this shit up. More on Lois later.

 

Erika then takes the opportunity to thank the ladies for putting up with her being a wild animal the year before, explaining that she was being dragged through the mud for a solid year .... for something that she didn't do!  But Garcelle is not quite ready to let Kunty off the hook yet, and tells Erika that part of the problem was that she didn't show any compassion (for Tom's alleged victims).  Erika explains that from a legal point of view, she couldn't, that "every word counts".  I get it; expressing compassion for the victims can be interpreted as admitting guilt, but Erika then takes it one step further and says, "We don't even know that there WAS a crime, that these people didn't get paid" ... (mic drop).   Rinna then casually adds that people can sue for anything.  Well not really, but I do get the gyst of what they meant.

 

Just in time to stop Erika from digging the hole deeper, Crystal finally arrives, and again, I have to caution you on the use of more liberal buzzwords.   Crystal again tries to explain what triggered her the night before, and at this point, all I want to do is PULL the trigger. She feels like last year during the coat incident with Sutton, everyone invalidated her feeling of being violated ... everyone was attacking her. She feels like her feelings are always being dismissed.  But Kyle in particular, takes umbrage with this, proclaiming that she is a "fixer", and then not missing a beat, Garcelle says to Kyle, "Yes, but also a (pot) stirrer".  BTW, I have to say; Garcy is growing on me this season.

 

Speaking of holding on to ill feelings, Garcelle then tells Crystal that last year, she felt Sutton could not do anything right, and that Crystal was "setting her up" (to be labeled a racist).  To justify her (over) reaction to Sutton, Crystal then goes on to say that Sutton said some really dark things to her, but she's being very cryptic, and won’t say exactly what they were.  Uh oh, here we go again ... first she was "violated", and now she is adding an even "darker" layer to it.  Kyle says she was there, and doesn't remember any "darkness" coming from Sutton, but Crystal tells her that she was too drunk to remember anything. Then in a moment of much needed levity, Garcelle receives a call from her son, who tells her that he just got a job . . . . .  working for Lisa Vanderpump.  The women's reactions are exactly what you might expect, offering some much needed comic relief to the bomb that Crystal just dropped.

 

 

The women return to Beverly Hills Encino.  Dorit and PK talk about Dorit’s ongoing trauma and in a totally scripted set up, PK suggests she and the girls go on a trip for a few days to Punta Mita, Mexico.  BTW, enough already with these tiresome Mexican getaways ...  has Bravo cut some kind of deal with Mexico's bureau of tourism?  But also, she just got from from a girl's trip.  But I digress; Dorit's therapist arrives and subjects her to some kind of cutting edge therapy session where Dorit intentionally relives the horror.  It's Dorit's big moment, and she makes the most of it.  I must say; girlfriend is not a bad actress.

 

Sutton is hosting a party at her boutique for the L.A. launch of some French designer named Alexis Mabille, apparently the one whom Sutton was so stressed over was having a hard time getting through customs (and therefore had no time for Dorit's silly drama).   Erika is sitting this one out, while Diana tells her glam team that she has never been to a store before.  Yeah, you read that correctly. Forget the fact that she just said the same thing at Kyle's store in Laquinta.  BTW, speaking of Diana, there is some real dirt developing on her that I plan on covering. 

 

While sharing a ride to Sutton's event, Dorit shares the news that Lisa Rinna's mom, Lois, has had a stroke and is going on hospice (to die). This (legitimately) triggers Kyle (and yours truly).  BTW, does Rinna's texting Dorit mean that Dorit is Rinna's closest pal?  Kyle also gets a text; that there is a man at her house taking photos over her fence, and that triggers Dorit (insert eyeroll).  Dorit is also triggered and outraged that Sutton has invited the press to her event.  In a talking head, Dorit asks "How insensitive can she be?!".  Apparently, the world was supposed to stop after Dorit's alleged ordeal.

 

 

At Sutton's event, it takes only a hot minute for Kyle to start stirring the pot by reliving the Crystal drama, and per their individual call sheets, all the women gather around to join in on the conversation.  They are now pleading with Crystal to just fucking say whatever horrible "dark" thing that Sutton supposedly said. Again, Crystal tells Kyle that she was too drunk (the season before), but this time Kyle snaps, and tells Crystal to STFU about that. Garcelle then tells Sutton to watch her back with Crystal.  Dorit chimes in and then tells us in a talking head that Crystal knows exactly what she's doing and I couldn't agree more.  Meanwhile, Diana fiddles with her ugly dress.  Although she's clearly relishing in all the attention, Crystal lays down the law and says that she and Sutton have resolved the issue . . . . . .  or have they?   Stay tuned.