Shameless Not Ruthless

Dorit and PK are having their teeth cleaned because "You aren't a real couple until you have your teeth cleaned together" (Dorit's words, not mine). But of course there is much more to this dental visit than just the opportunity for PK to show off his new choppers; it is also an opportunity for Dorit to promote her newest charity, "Homeless Not Toothless", an organization that provides dental care for the homeless, as well as veterans. Then in the weirdest scene ever, PK recaps their two story lines of the season (the alleged home invasion and DUI) for their dentist. Apparently, no better place than a dentist office to unload the personal crises going on in one's life.

Throughout the episode, the cast pokes fun its quirky name, but it turns out HNT is a real thing; a nobel organization that provides disadvantaged people with dental care. Let's just hope that whoever fucked up LVP's teef isn''t one of the dentists participating in the program. Oh, and it turns out that the Kemsley's former neighbor and suspected ice pick murderess herself, Sharon Stone, does chair many of their events. However, I want to the front door cam footage of Miss Stone knocking on Dorit's door and putting the bite on her for her charity. But somehow I think we're going to have to settle for a guest appearance by the hopelessly frumpy Melissa Ethridge. Speaking of, Dorit is ~~throwing a gala~~ having a cocktail party/dinner for the charity.

In one of the many obvious scripted scenes of this episode, Crystal visits Sutton at her ~~tax shelte~~r boutique. Like every business in this Biden recession, Sutton finds herself short handed , and offers Crystal a job as a commissioned sales person. If she takes it, we will know the reason Crystal joined the show. The conversation turns to Rinna's wine tasting luncheon that Crystal missed, and the fight between Sutton and RInna. When Sutton finishes telling her side, Crystal informs Sutton that she had already spoken to Rinna about it. I sensed that Sutton was annoyed by this, perhaps feeling like Crystal set a trap for her. So in retaliation, Sutton brings up that the ladies were discussing Crystal's alleged eating disorder. But Crystal takes it in stride and adds that she actually sought some advice (about Bulimia) from Lisa since her daughter, Ameliia, has also dealt with it. Clearly triggered again, Sutton then informs Crystal that the conversation about her wasn't exactly coming from a place of genuine concern. This one takes, and Crystal snaps back tearfully, "They were judging me?". Any empathy that I might have finally shown for Soon-Yi is quickly dashed when she tells us in a confessional, "These women are judging my vulnerability".

Diana's ~~gay bestie~~ baby daddy, Asher performs again, and it becomes glaringly apparent that she joined the show to promote Asher's singing career. But instead of performing another haunting Christmas classic, he performs a special song that he's written for his meal ticket; to celebrate their decision to breed again, of course providing the poor thing ever stops hemorrhaging. Asher really does have a lovely singing voice, one that Diana tells us that he undoubtedly honed from "being practically raised in Broadway theaters". Hmm, the final piece to the puzzle.

Kyle is finally out of Corona quarantine and has Erika over for a little workout with a personal "stretchologist" and a chance to catch up on all the latest. As Erika is being stretched like a pretzel, Kyle says, "That looks really painfiul!". This coming from a 53 year old woman who performs "the splits" just to pick up Storm's doggy dish. BTW, speaking of Kyle's affinity for doing the splits, she tells us that she isn't just "bendy", but rather she has some kind of disorder called "hypermobility syndrome". And to think all this time we thought Kyle just liked being the center of attention at parties.

As they sit around Kyle's gorgeous back yard and pool, Erika offers a little more information on the mystery man who has been giving her all this good D lately. She tells Kyle that he's a good longtime friend, and an older man, somewhere between the age of 50-something and 83, which certainly rules out neighbor and accused cannibal, Armie Hammer. Kyle also informs Erika that fellow bone collector, Garcelle has been very "concerned" about Kunty's drinking and pill popping of late. Erika assures Kyle that she does not and never has had any kind of substance abuse problem, and is sick and tired of Garcelle's phony concern. I gotta say; I'm with Kunty on this one. Then in a rather somber confessional, Erika unloads about hating every aspect of her life these days.

It's the night of Dorit's Homeless Not Toothless ~~charity gala~~ dinner at her home. The theme is black and gold and it's a real fancy occasion (you can tell by the table coverings that look like homeless people with bad teeth gnawed on them). Dorit has arranged the tables in a seminar-like U shape formation, presumably so everyone has a good seat for Lisa's big breakdown scene. The Kemsleys tease that there will be a surprise guest, and immediately I'm thinking what tooth challenged celebrity from the 80's might PK be managing? But I can't come up with anyone.

Kathy Hilton has made this event as well. Her plus one is none other than "Dwight", that dude from way back when who pushed Ken Todd into the shallow end of their pool whiile he was still recovering from hip replacement surgery. The hostess is quick to point out that Dwight is no longer friends with the Todds either. Kathy approves of the fancy place cards on the table, and looking at Diana's name says, "Oh good Dee Anne is coming". See, comedy isn't cheap, and this is why she held out for more money this season. Speaking of Dee Anne, she arrives solo, and gushes about how grateful she is to HNT, because she too was a recipient of their services (before snagging that billionaire). She adds that she had to have her wisdom teeth pulled, but like a shark, they grew back.

Back to Kathy for a moment. She really earned her pay raise during this episode by providing us with a series of unforgettable quotes and gaggles. For example, Kathy tells ~~Dee Anne~~ Diana how much she enjoyed Asher's previous performance of O Holy Night at her party the other night by saying, “He’s so talented. I didn’t know what to expect, ’cause nine times out of ten, it's a disaster, and it’s like, somebody, help!”. Obviously, Diana didn't know whether to thank or smack her. Then when Kathy greets Lisa Rinna, she says “You look wet". I have to say; I was with her on that one, because Rinna did look like a gold mermaid. Kathy then greets two of HNT's ambassadors and says, “Appearance, unfortunately, is very important. You need teeth. You need teeth. And it’s hard to talk without teeth.”. And lest we forget, Kathy Hilton knows a thing or two about teeth, because growing up, Kathy Hilton, DDS, used to perform unsolicited dental work on the neighborhood kids.

Meanwhile PK gifts Maurico with a Versace belt, and then plays a cringy game with Mo' asking him which housewife (other than Kyle or Dorit) would they most like to bang. As Dorit listens with bated breath, Mo' chooses Rinna, and PK chooses Erika. But Dorit seemed to just take it in stride thinking, "Oh well, that's my Bubba ... let the fat old fool have his fun.". PK's social awkwardness continues when he reveals to Mo' and Erika that he was having dinner (and apparently a lot of drinks) with John Legend and Lionel Richie on that fateful night of his DUI, and suddenly I'm thinking, "That's it ... the mystery guest of the evening is going to be John Legend!". God knows he couldn't even get arrested in Hollywood these days, and performances like this are right up his alley. Also, we're always hearing about his dopey wife joining the show. Yep, it's definitely John Legend.

Not ten minutes into dinner, all hell breaks loose when slurry drunk producer Kyle poses a question to Lisa (from across the dais). "Hey Rinna, I'm confused ... did you or did you not tell Sutton to get the fuck out of your house?". Lisa says she did not use those words, but Garcelle and Dorit are insisting that she did. The truth is, Lisa said "Fuck you ... and you can get out of my house if you are going to act this way". Initially, Sutton is cringing and says that the dinner table is not the place to be discussing it, but then she jumps in and says to Lisa, "Oh yes you did!". So now it's on.

Soon everyone is yelling as the other (five) guests watch the spectacle in horror. But really, isn't that what they expected? Attending a peaceful housewife dinner would be like going to a Hell's Kitchen taping and not getting to see Gordon Ramsey throwing a plate of undercooked scallops arcross the kitchen. Rinna changes the narrative and tells Sutton that should have apologized to Harry Hamlin at the wine tasting. Sutton insists that she did, then provides receipts in the form of a text to Harry ... and you know a housewife means business when she puts on her readers.

But Rinna still isn't satisfied, and then demands to know WHY Sutton would pull such a mean stunt like saying she was on the verge of death from booze and sniffing glue ... oh wait, that was what SHE said about Kim Richards. But much like a breaking news alert interrupting our favorite shows, Dorit gets word in her ear that the special guest is ready and has to go on NOW. The lights dim and none other than 80's blast from the past, Melissa Etheridge, saunters down the stairs to cheers, screams, and Kathy wondering, “Who the hell is that? Sutton tells a completely uninterested Garcelle that Melissa Ethridge was her "girl crush". I'm thinking ya sure, and it's just too bad Denise wasn't there. Anyway, nothing can bring the women of Beverly Hills together like the power of celebrity, but of course the peace and harmony is short-lived.

After Ethridge's performance, Sutton makes her way to Rinna to apologize once again. Rinna is receptive, and then tells Sutton that she doesn't want to fight with her anymore. In a breakthrough moment, Lisa reveals that Lois' life belongings were delivered to her earlier that day in boxes, and she was probably (unfairly) projecting her grief on Sutton. The admission opens a flood gate of emotions for Rinna, and she then begins to just completely fall apart. I don't know how much of Lisa's breakdown was real and what was "soap actress", but it sure seemed authentic to me, and I must admit, when she sobbed "I don't know how to live without my mom", I kind of lost it myself. Suddenly all the ladies start sobbing and comforting Lisa, and at least for now, all seems to be forgotten.