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Sutton Finally Snaps

 

Lisa Rinna is still kissing Garcelle’s ass, so she decides to have the girls over for a surprise birthday lunch. But in reality, she’s merely providing the location for Sutton and Crystal's eighth round of battle. Lisa has summoned her out of work actor husband, Harry Hamlin, to whip up his famous Bolognese sauce for the girls.  This got me thinking; I don’t think I’ve ever downed a bowl of pasta at one o’clock in the afternoon, and I’m Italian, but then again even  at one o'clock, I would still be microwaving my morning coffee for the fourth time. 

 

So a masked Lisa and Harry Hamlin venture out to Jayde’s Market in Beverly Hills, running up a $292.74 bill on some pasta, baby portobella mushrooms, and a few of those cute baby pumpkins for the table. At the market, Harry Hamlin schools a completely disinterested Lisa on the different varieties of mushrooms and reveals that his secret to a great sauce are home grown tomatoes. No argument here. Even as a viewer, I'm kind of disappointed that  Harry Hamlin would not be preparing one of his famous blueberry pies for the ladies, especially given the fact that they are filming during the season for giving thanks.  But who knows, maybe quality blueberries aren’t in season in November in CA.  In a talking head, Lisa is once again laughingly bragging that she doesn’t cook, and as a person who has always enjoyed preparing food for loved ones, I've always found that off putting.  While I hate to offend non-cooks, I just think it says a lot about Rinna, and will leave it at that.

 

Elsewhere, Erika and Crystal are borrowing Kathy Hilton’s tennis court which sits on the grounds of her incredible estate while the mistress of the manor herself slumbers inside. Kathy ain’t getting up before 11:00 am just to entertain these bitches, and as someone who also suffers from sleep disorders, I can relate.  After a silly game of tennis (BTW, it will surprise no one that Kunty can barely swing a racket), the two venture inside Kathy’s home. Kathy has now risen, and wearing blue and white pajamas (which coordinate with the curtains and overall blue and white theme of the room), she greets her guests with plate of croissants and fruit.  The three strangers kiki a little bit and commend Erika on her “courage” for giving up 16,000 sq. ft. of living space for a paltry 2000.

 

We got a short scene of Kyle’s photo shoot for the family Christmas card; all of them wearing the usual corny matching red pajamas. As usual, one of the most successful realtors in all of CA, Mauricio,  appears stoned out of his gourde, and unlike the annoying scene in the last episode where he and Kyle kept (a hysterical) Portia and Sophia at a 6 foot (social) distance from one another, there they are all cuddled together on the couch. Kathy shows up like the stranger she obviously is, and she and Kyle discuss whack job sister Kim who is using Covid as an excuse to live in total isolation splendor.

 

 Erika has Rinna and Sutton over to her “cute little dollhouse”. BTW, I have a theory on that. By repeatedly describing her new rental as such, Erika is warding off anyone else bringing attention to the fact that she is experiencing a humiliating downgrade on the social register; that is if you call a $2M dollar 3 BR/3 BTH Hancock Park cottage with pool and cabana house a “downgrade”.

 

Erika tells Rinna and Sutton that she's happier now because, "when you're not being heard, there's only so much time before you go, 'You know what, wait a minute.'", and at this point, I’m realizing that Erika is telling Rinna and Sutton (and us) absolutely nothing about the real reasons for leaving Tom. But that’s what Erika does; she purposefully says a lot in order to say nothing. I guess I should be grateful that she’s speaking about it at all.

 

It’s the day of Rinna’s luncheon/birthday celebration for Garcelle, but before we get to that, let’s talk about Rinna’s home. I’ve never understood the general dislike for the Hamlins home. Fans have often called it “dated” and even dilapidated, but I’ve always had an appreciation for the Tuscan style. Their home is the real deal; or at least as close as Beverly Hills USA gets to Tuscany, Italy. Real stucco, wrought iron, and abundant Italian tiling. In addition, Lisa is doing it right with the vivid pops of turquoise and orange etc;. Anyway, I just thought I’d get that off my chest.

 

Everything is going fairly well until Kathy greets Sutton with “Hey Peeping Tomasina.”. Not to suggest for one minute that Sutton had ever moved on (from her fight with Crystal C*nt Foo), but this clearly triggers her. For those of you who aren’t aware, that is the nickname Kathy gave Sutton because she saw Crystal naked on the girl’s trip in Lake Tahoe. Sutton responds “Great, so that’s what we’re going to start with?”, and we're reminded that the shit’s about the hit the fan. Sutton then tells us in a confessional that “Tomasina is not funny, and it has to stop”. Almost on cue, Lisa announces that lunch is being served, so crises is diverted, at least for the moment.

 

Harry serves up Fiestaware bowls of Bolognese and joins the women for lunch. It's a nice drama-free lunch, and Rinna surprises Garcelle with a cake, and I now understand why there was no Harry Hamlin Blueberry Pie. When the other women start producing gift bags from under their chairs, Sutton looks even more panicked than usual. She says that she didn't know they were supposed to bring gifts as they roll the proverbial flashback of Rinna telling everyone just a few days before that she was going to surprise Garcelle with a cake, and they were welcome to bring gifts if they wanted. To make matters worse, Sutton is now laser-focused on the fact that Crystal C*nt Foo teamed up with HER friend Kyle (and Kathy) to give HER friend Garcelle a dinner ring that she'd recently admired on Crystal.

 

Sutton starts aggressively applying her lipstick and clearly thinking “This bitch has gone too far; gift giving is MY thing!”.  Consumate reality TV pro Kyle sees that something is terribly off with Sutton, so she scoots over to her and tries to force her to talk about something that she damn well knows is going to derail the entire afternoon. True to form, Sutton gives a cryptic reply saying she just doesn't want to be there.  Then, as we saw Kyle do with Kim for many seasons, she keeps digging until Sutton finally adds that she "doesn’t like being around people who don’t like her". Crystal is just one seat away from them, so she can most definitely hear them, but she is unfazed, which is of course the main source of Sutton's rage. In fact, Crystal doesn't care at all, because for her, the matter is settled; she felt Sutton violated her so she’s sticking with (her googled definition of the word) “violated”.

 

Sutton just can't move past the obvious sexual connotations to the word, so birthday girl Garcelle decides to mediate.  Perhaps channeling some past TV role as a psychologist, Garcelle asks Sutton, “What do you need from Crystal to move past this?”.  “An apology for starters!” says Sutton. Undoubtedly sensing that EVERYONE is clearly team Sutton, and now GLARING at her, Crystal gives a half-assed apology; something along the lines of “I’m sorry you’re upset”. Sutton snaps back with “That is NOT an apology!”. Realizing that she’s fighting a losing battle (with totally unhinged), Crystal responds with a calm and collected, “You’re just jealous”.

 

Well that's it; Sutton is leaving. In the time it takes her to stomp back to the patio, and with Kyle hot on her tail, Sutton is able to think of her comeback. From across the yard Sutton shrieks "Jealous of what, Crystal? Your ugly leather pants?!".  Oh crap, Crystal C*nt Foo has done it now, because in Beverly Hills, them is fightin' words. But Crystal just stands in the yard smirking with one hand tucked into the pocket of her ugly leather pants thinking, “mission accomplished”.