Crystal Kung Foo PersuAsian

 

This week’s episode on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills L.A. was one of those what I call “filler” episodes, meaning nothing notable really happened. Not that I’m complaining, because the HW series in general have been feeling very staged and “put on” to me lately, so maybe a little normality is good. My only real complaint was experiencing a little PTSD watching all these CA sheeple in masks. Did I say PTSD? I meant to say annoyance, but more on that later.

 

 

Sutton treats Erika to a full day at a spa which she has rented out just for them. Although Sutton is showing some real empathy for Erika, I keep thinking about the preview of Kunty threatening Sutton’s life (for presumably getting a little too nosy about the allegations against the Girardis). They are bonding over their respective divorces, and at one point, Sutton asks Erika if it upset her that Tom never came to see her when she was starring on Broadway. Erika says that of course she was hurt, but was actually more angry over having to defend him, as they play the flashback of Andy Cohen asking Erika the same question at the last season's reunion. As effective as these nonstop flashback scenes (of painting Tom as a monster) are, I think they are unintentionally showing us what a good liar Erika is.

 

 

Actually, we get a lot from Erika in this episode. She addresses and dispells the rumors that she was banging half-her-age Dancing With the Stars partner and resident hottie, Gleb Savchenko, record producer Scooter Braun, and actor-turned-cannibal Armie Hammer (all false). I would like to believe at least one of these, but despite her sexy videos, Kunty has always seemed almost asexual to me. Go figure.

 

 

Kyle and Mauricio surprise their youngest daughter, Portia, with a visit from her favorite sister, Sophia, who returned home from college, probably for Christmas break. But what was meant to be a sweet and poignant moment quickly becomes an over-the-top obnoxious performance, as Portia cries and laughs at the same time saying, “I can’t breathe,” over and over again, and I'm thinking that maybe her school forced Portia to watch the George Floyd video too many times during a CRT class. Then to make matters worse, production? keeps Sophia like 15 ft. away from the Portia, Kyle, and Mo’ per CA social distancing guidelines. However at one point, Kyle does allow them to threaten their lives by touching toes. What made no sense was we then find out Sophia had to quarantine before she could see her. Portia sobbed, “This is even worse than having you in another state!”. All I kept thinking was how Portia has definitely inherited her mother’s acting skills.

 

 

As the campaign to humanize Erika continues, Rinna takes her on a shopping spree for some Christmas decorations for her “new tiny dollhouse” (remember, she only fled with a couch, a chair, and a few million bucks worth of clothes, accessories, and jewelry. On the way there, Lisa brings up the allegations about her daughter Amelia and Keeping Up with the Kardashians hanger-on Scott “Lord” Disick. The exchange goes as follows. Erika: So, there’s something to it? Lisa: Yes. Erika: Ugh! Oh, Amelia. Lisa: Yup!

They arrive to their destination, some off-the-beaten-path Christmas boutique, and proceed to ooh! and ah! over ordinary tacky Christmas decorations.

 

 

The conversation about Scott and Amelia continues the following night at a hotel restaurant where Kyle is hosting a dinner for the ladies. What more can be said about a 37-year-old reality star and former? drug addict with three kids dating a 19-year-old bulimic model? Of course, plenty! Lisa points out that Harry Hamlin dated knocked up a much older woman when he was young (as a picture of Ursula Andress pops up), and Erika is quick to point out that she too dated a much older man when she was “in her 20’s”.  I guess 29 qualifies for “in her 20’s”.  The other women say they would have no problem with it, but Sutton says she’d lock up her daughter in the house with no cell phone and spank her. No better authority on the matter than Kathy Hilton, who says “Coming from someone who knows about raising daughters in the public eye, it could be worse, you know?”.  Yeah Kathy, we know (as images of One Night in Paris fill my head).  Speaking of Kathy Hilton, although I’ll never accept her as Lucille Ball, I did appreciate her filing her nails in Crystal’s face, and unintentionally? calling out Dorit for being (a wannabe) English woman.

 

 

While we’re on the topic of Dorit, I’m beginning to wonder why she’s on this show, because she really is nothing but John Mellencamp’s daughter covered in designer labels. Case in point; Dorit she shows up to the dinner looking like Louis Vuitton threw up on her, wearing a Louis Vuitton label-print overcoat over a Louis Vuitton label-print dress. In a talking heads, Garcelle laughingly says “Dorit commits to her brands, head to toe … you’re never going to ask, ‘Is that Louis Vuitton?’ … because it’s screaming”. Of course, Garcelle has no room to talk, I do dig her hilarious confessionals.

 

However, Sutton’s getup deserved honorable mention. Wearing a white blouse, black pants, and a big twisty gnarled black bow around her neck, Sutton looked like she should have been running room service at the hotel instead of dining with the ladies. Although she and Crystal supposedly squashed their beef at the last gathering (for the umteenth time), Kathy brings it again. I guess Kathy is forgetting that SHE was the one who brought “her friend” Crystal into the group.  Why do they always do that?  Sutton takes the bait and we’re back to this fight that originated in Lake Tahoe when Sutton walked in on Crystal masturbating naked, getting ready for bed.

 

 

Sutton wants Crystal to tell everyone that nothing weird happened when she came into the room, and is understandably perturbed by Crystal’s use of the word “violated” when describing to the other ladies what happened. Although Crystal is not conceding, she begins to trivialize and change her story. As she looks around the table for someone, ANYONE to back her up, good ol’ Dorit chimes in and tells Crystal that she is indeed now “changing her story”.

 

 

Sutton tells Crystal that needs to get a sense of humor which is rather rich coming from a woman who became hysterical over not being included in a “prank” that didn’t even involve her. It is now the entire group against Crystal, but she’s sticking with the (googled) dictionary definition of the word violated, and the disgusted looks on each of the women’s faces are priceless. Crystal want us to believe that she just doesn't see the sexual connotations of the word violated. They try to explain to her that a woman’s reputation is at stake, and in an effective talking head, Garcelle makes a valid about about the very real “me too and/or cancel culture” BS. In an ominous tone, Sutton warns Crystal that she really doesn’t want to see her “angry”, but Crystal just rolls her eyes and smirks at her. This beef is sure to be continued next week. 

 

In closing, I’ve been giving this Crystal chick some thought. Since there can only be one, I think I’m going to officially hand over Erika’s “Kunty” crown over to Crystal. So from now on, it’s Cunty Crystal, or maybe Cuntstal, or how about Cunt Foo Crystal?