‹ Back

RHOBH Rundown: Ice Queen of the Desert

 

Anyone thinking that Bravo/NBC/Universal is even remotely considering getting rid of Erika should probably think again. We now have eleven episodes behind us; each one entirely devoted to Erika Jayne and her marriage/legal woes. As everyone knows, RHOBH has a tendency to latch onto a single story line for an entire season, and like Lucy Lucy Apple Juice with a bone, they don’t let it go.  You would think the other women would resent Erika for monopolizing the season and getting all the camera time, but they’re undoubtedly being paid regardless, and generally speaking, the less any housewife has to reveal about their own lives, the better.

 

The ladies are still on the girls trip in La Quinta, CA. Rinna, Sutton, Dorit, and Kathy are staying at Kyle’s desert palace, but Crystal, Erika, and Garcelle have opted for the Waldorf Astoria just a few doors down. It’s the next morning, and as the camera pans the disaster scene from the dinner party the night before, each of the women emerge from their drunken slumbers. The ladies cannot stop talking about Erika, and this morning is no different. Just as Kyle is reading a Page Six headline from from her phone about Tom being hospitalized for some kind of serious illness, Erika shows up. Kyle asks Erika if she has seen the story, and Erika just nonchalantly says “Yes, I saw that”.

 

 

As Erika munches on a cold plate of Kyle’s lasagna, Sutton suddenly recalls that the Girardi's had a nearby home in La Quinta.  Erika acknowledges that they had/have a house there, but says she knows nothing about said house, not even the address, and has never visited it.  However, she did recall asking Tom about it at one point, but he never gave her a straight answer. Everyone then wonders aloud whether Tom was keeping another woman, if not an entire other family in that house (a notion that would surprise no one at this point). Klueless Kathy chimes in and says “I have so many houses in so many places I can’t keep them all straight, and sometimes I have to get security to make sure I’m in the right place and to let me in.”. As crazy and braggadocios as that may sound to we mortals, Kathy is merely giving us a glimpse of her extraordinary privileged life. Kyle adds tbat Kathy’s last name is Hilton, sans the okurrr tongue roll. 

 

 

Kyle has planned a morning (motorized) bike ride, but but Erika, Sutton, and Kathy decide to chill at home, nursing their hangovers, and conserving their energy for a rousing game of Crochet later in the day. The ladies return, and Garcelle finally shows up … in full stylized hazmat suit, accessorized with mask, face shield, and armed with a Covid-detector wand like the TSA uses at the airports. It was a funny gag, but it also shed a little more light on why Garcelle was “uncomfortable staying with the ladies”. Turns out she was (understandably) nervous about sharing a house with people whom recently fought Covid (a minor detail that Kyle chose to leave out the week before).

 

That evening, Erika has the ladies over to her suite for a  casual sloppy room service-in-a-bag dinner. The scene reminded me of how extreme things were back in December when this was filmed, but moreover, how nonsensical the pandemic was and still is! For example, to protect themselves, the Waldorf feeds these women like San Quentin feeding their prisoners through the slots of their cell doors, but the guests are expected to handle and consume food prepared by God knows who? None of it makes sense. It reminded me of the one and only time we traveled last year and vowed to never do it again; at least not until the madness ends, which is of course won’t happen until after the 2022 mid term elections.

 

During cocktails before dinner, the conversation turns to what else but Erika. Kyle and Crystal inform Erika that through some detective work, they found out that Tom actually sold the La Quinta house back in 2018. Erika seems unfazed, and another mystery is solved. Sutton, who just went through a divorce of her own, tells her to get some good forensic accountants so that they can find out where all the money went (so she can get half of it), but I’m thinking wouldn’t Erika’s prenup cancel out “community property”? Besides, if what everyone suspects is true, there isn’t any money to get anyway. The new all transparent Erika also reveals that she doesn’t even know how to deposit at a bank. Wait, huh? While I guess it’s plausible that she stuffed all of her stripper cash “Shakers” tips under her mattress, are we really to believe that up until the time she met Tom #2, a previously married woman with a baby never went to the bank? The entire scene is kind of strange, especially knowing that in next week’s episode, Sutton apparently has a change of heart and utters the term “Ponzi scheme”.

 

After dinner, the ladies go around the table describing themselves in one word. Kyle begins with describing herself as “honest”. Dorit is “hard working”. Klueless Kathy is stumped and simply says “There are too many” which for some reason sends the ladies into hysterical laughter, then settles on “proud”. Sutton is “eccentric”. Erika and Garcelle are “tough” (but fragile on the inside). They get to Crystal, and as she searches for a word, Kyle blurts out, “What would Confucius say?”. The table is stunned at what appears to be (another) one of Kyle’s racially insensitive faux pas, and Crystal says “Why, because I’m Chinese?". But it’s just a false alarm, because it turns out Crystal had told Kyle that she is a descendant of Confucius, and part of the longest family tree in the world. I thought Sutton missed the perfect opportunity to quote a Chinese proverb of her own; something like “Confucius say, she who pleasures herself with unlocked door, sometimes gets violated”. Oh well, maybe later on in the season. Erika announces that she’s tired being conjectured about for one evening, and they call it a night.

 

 

It’s day three in La Quinta. Kyle, Kathy, Dorit, and Rinna hit the boutiques in the quaint village of La Quinta while Erika, Garcelle, and Crystal opt for a therapeutic hike in the desert. After marveling at the sheer beauty of the bare brown mountains, all the sand, and some awkward silence, Garcelle goes into full Barbara WaWa mode asking Erika point blank if she got an allowance from Tom. Erika responds that while he certainly handed her cash when she needed it, she basically survived on credit cards. Garcelle then asks Erika if she saw the lawsuits coming, and if THAT’S why she divorced him. But Erika doesn’t take the bait, and sternly answers, “No, it is not”, adding that the divorce was a long time coming.  Instead, Erika traces it back to his accident three years ago, and how Tom changed dramatically after that. “There was a shift in his personality, his decision-making, and who he is,” she says. The conversation dried up. He would repeat the same phrases all the time. He started repeating the same stories ten times a day”. Crystal, whose father suffered from Alzheimer’s, nods in agreement. However, as they make their way down the rocky trail, Erika throws Det. Garcy and Crystal Confucius a humdinger of bone by telling them that Tom calls her all the time; asking her when she’s coming home. MIC DROP! But of course this is completely contrary to the portrait that she’s been painting of Tom.

 

Later that day, all the ladies meet up at Kyle’s and Kathy shows up with bags of Del Taco. BTW, it is only at this point am I finally realizing that these women are on their own and truly roughing it, and anyone who has ever experienced cold Taco Bell, Baja Fresh, or Del Taco via Door Dash will agree. After finishing their soggy tacos, Garcelle casually mentions to Erika that Tom calling her is the saddest thing she’s heard. Erika, retouching her makeup, tries to play it off, but when all the ladies are gathered, Garcelle brings it up again (I’m guessing at the producer’s request).

 

 

Garcelle says “Erika told me, if you don’t mind my sharing, that Tom calls her.”. Now the sh hits the fan. “Actually, I DO mind you sharing because I feel like you’re betraying my friendship” says Erika in a tone we haven’t seen since she went off on John Mellencamp’s daughter a few seasons ago. She continued, “But go ahead, have your moment. Go ahead, babe.” Then she adds, “You got it out of me once, and now you want to do it again.”. Garcelle is caught completely off guard and tells Erika that that wasn’t her intention, as Erika snaps, “Don’t sugarcoat it!”.

 

 

The other women cringe in their seats, but it’s hard to read them. Most of them seem annoyed with Garcelle, but Kyle seems annoyed with Erika. A completely broken Erika can barely get the words out, “I was sharing a private moment; something that I haven’t said … sometimes not everything is up for discussion”. She continues, “I’ve been very open and honest, so I think that was dirty”. Crystal intervenes by saying that Erika did say she didn’t want to talk about it, but apparently Garcelle was already in the car when she said it.

 

Either Garcelle is a far better actress than any of us know, or Erika is reading her entirely wrong.  At least at this point, I'm going with the latter.  Kyle excuses Erika’s outburst saying Erika is going through a lot, but Sutton is not as generous and suggests (in a talking head) that there may be more going on than Erika is letting on. But regardless, Erika, now hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably, retreats to the bathroom …. and scene!