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The Eaglewoman Has Landed

 

 

 

The skinny rich women of Beverly Hills, San Fernando Valley/Bel Air/Hancock Park are back honey, but in this season opener, they mostly just sit in a teepee and try to get over last season. This was indeed, a different kind of premier.  We usually start by checking in with each of the ladies and the inauthentic home lives, latest cosmetic procedures, and break ups, etc;.  Then they bring them all together for a party or some kind of group event at theend of the episode.  But this episode starts with Dorit gathering her castmates together for a little pow wow (and I mean that literally) in Malibu with a "spritist" who her calls herself Eaglewoman.

 

The other reason for this sit-down is that none of these women have seen  or talked to each other (let alone hung out together), since the last reunion, where Kyle ruined her mascara after fighting with her sister, Kathy Hilton.  As much as Dorit wants to sell this as a spiritual healing, it’s really a project kick-off meeting for a bunch of colleagues.  You can almost hear Dorit leaving the same message in each of their voice mails,  “Okay guys, we're about to start filming, and we all have a show to do.  Meet me in Malibu. There will be a spritist. Love Dorit.”

 

 

There are a few notable moments even before they get to Eaglewoman’s dopey ceremony. The first is when Erika is talking about not having “her friend” by her side anymore, meaning Lisa Rinna. Lisa’s now infamous short and sweet email to Bravo proving that SHE quit flashes across the screen.  After eight years of faithful service, that was it?  Despite whether we like her or not (stong emphasis on the latter), few would deny that Rinna did most of the heavy lifting.  Having said that, what we DON'T know is what preceded the resignation.  My guess is she pulled a Suzanne Somers and went for broke by demanding a huge raise ... and we all know how that went for poor Suzanne (God rest her soul).  Apparently Hollywood hasn't changed much in forty years.

 

Another notable moment is when Erika shows up at the site of the ritual sacrifice and Kyle says, “Oh my God, are you the Incredible Shrinking Woman?” and Erika replies, “Are you?” Yes, both of them have gotten considerably skinnier than they were last year. Kyle says it is thanks to good old fashion exercise and eating healthy which includes giving up the booze. Erika says that she is on some “good hormones.” It also probably helps that she’s gotten off of Lexapro.  Cue Dorit in a perfectly timed and hilarious talking head, “Are hormones spelled O-Z-E-M-P-I-C?” For the record, both Kyle and Kunty vehemently deny that they are on the trendy weight-loss drug.  If Kyle has indeed transformed her body through legitimate hard work, you can't blame her for getting a little pissy lately with all the fat bitches in the blogosphere who are accusing her of taking the easy route.

 

When the women start airing their grievances, two major beefs are addressed. The first is between Dorit and Erika. Dorit is miffed that when Erika was asked at BravoCons (last year) who the next couple to get divorced would be, she chose Dorit and PK.  In her defense, Erika says it was a shady question to which she simply gave a shady answer, but adds that she didn’t WANT to answer the question, but shady cunt Andy insisted that she did (which is true).   She explains that it came off as mean because she was "selling it" to the crowd ... because ... wait for it ... she is a "showman".  Fair enough, but that's all out the window when she asks Dorit point blank, if her marriage is strong ... and if it is, then why should it bother her?  Hey they don't call her Kunty for nothing.

 

 

But I also get Dorit’s point, because even if your marriage is great, you don't want to be constantly defending it in the press.  At the time, Sutton doesn’t say anything, but in confessional she reveals that when PK got pulled over for his DUI last summer, he allegedly had another woman in the car with him.  Sidenote:  On WWHL immediately following the episode, John Mellencamp's daughter put the kabosh on that rumor by telling Andy that she checked the police report herself, and it stated that Pee Kai was alone.   

 

While this BravoCon stuff is a little tedious, it does lead to Erika saying what she’s needed to say for two years. “I was getting hit on all sides and I just needed a moment to catch my breath in this group,” she tells the women. “But as your friend, I would like to apologize if I was rough, if I was vicious. I have never felt so low. I have never felt so hurt. I love you all and I am very sorry.”  Gee, that wasn't rehearsed at all.  BTW, she says this while crying and not wiping the tears from her face (#Waterproof Mascara).  Garcelle responds by saying she’s ready to get to know Erika again, but doesn’t quite trust her yet. At least we were spared the "... but it's going to take time" mantra she used (to ad nauseam) when RInna was begging for her forgiveness two seasons ago.

 

The other big beef is between Kyle and the other women, who she doesn't feel supported her when she and Kathy were really getting into it at last year's reunion. Garcelle says she was confused by Kyle because she wasn’t going after Erika and Rinna for attacking her sister.  Kyle says she was tired of defending her sister, and certainly wasn’t going to defend her for attacking her and her family. Yes, she was mad at Lisa for bringing it up, but it seems like she was angrier at Kathy for continuing to treat her like shit.  Yeah yeah, we've gotten some half-baked reasons for their TEN YEAR estrangement, like Mauricio leaving Rick Hilton's company to start a business of his own, Kyle doing American Woman without Kathy (and Kim's) consent, and Kathy refusing to let go of being the controlling "big sister", but we will probably never get the real story ... probably because there is no real story. It's very possible that Kathy and Kyle just aren't that close which is hardly uncommon with siblings who are generations apart in age.  Think about it; before Kyle was even in kindergarten, Kathy had already began her hunt for a rich husband.  More recently, I suspect divisive politics are involved, just like any other family these days. 

 

After that, there’s a group hug and they all decide they’re going to have the best season of tearing each other apart. Cut to the completely staged home scenes. Sutton meets with (a rather Rubenesque) Jennifer Tilly at her store and introduces us to her new gay assistant Avi, who is replacing the way cuter gay assistant.  Sutton talks about her horse, Storyline. I have a feeling that we are going to be hearing a lot about this horse.  Of course, the Beverly Hills ladies and horses go way back, starting with Taylor, Camille, Yolanda, semi-professional equestrian Teddi, and Lisa Vanderpump who is lucky to be alive after being thrown by one.

 

Then we move on to Crystal ... never mind, who cares. 

 

Next, we catch up with Garcelle ...

 

Kunty meets with her shrink live and in person for the first time post plannedemic, (at least on camera).  The scene allows Kunty the opportunity to use her acting chops for the second time in this episode.  While Erika is remorseful over her past behavior with some of the other ladies, she still feels like something is missing.  The shrink then has to explain to this 52 yr. old woman, the definition of word "empathy".  "Empathy?", Erika asks.  Yes, just like the Tin Man, the wizard forgot to give Erika a heart some empathy. 

 

Finally, Kyle heads to Dorit’s where the two split a personal-sized pizza on Dorit’s infamous Hermes plates which neither of them barely even touch.  They probably gave it to Dorit’s new dog.  Yes Dorit has a dog, which undoubtedly chaps LVP's ass (that is if she's watching, and we know she is). We learn that Dorit and PK are experiencing a disconnect in thier marriage because she was going through her PTSD from the alleged robbery last year when he was conveniently away in London.  So now they are undergoing marriage counseling.  Poor PK, as one chauvenistic male to another, I can't even imagine what that poor man must be going through having to sit there each week listening to two yenta's psychobabble.   BTW, maybe Kunty is the new Allison Dubois.

 

We end the episode where it all began, that is with Kyle at home trying to talk to Maurcio who is on the phone, presumably with his assistent planning his calendar for the upcoming month.  Looking like he just rolled out of bed, still puffy and stoned from the night before, he ignores Kyle as she angrily paces the floor waiting for him to get off the phone, while making one wise crack after the other. By the tenth jab, he finally gets the message and ends the call. 

 

Kyle doesn't want to have to "schedule" a time to talk about their schedules, but here they are.  When Mo' informs her of a pending business trip to fcking Portugal (which he would like to make a family vacay out of), she flat out tells him that she isn't going.  It only took twelve years for the Umansky's to finally begin to show some true reality of their lives, but I guess it's better late than never.  We all knew that their "rough year" was going to be featured on the show, but if RHOBH is staying true to their formula, it's looking like Kyle's marriage is going to be the Munchausen, Lucy Gate, Denise/Brandi Gate, Tom Girardi Gate story line of the season.

 

Case in point, Mauricio doesn’t even know how many tattoos Kyle currently has (BTW, there are five).  After a tour of the Morgan-inspired ink across her gaunt body, Kyle sarcastically tells Mo' that maybe he should be looking at her body more closely.

 

I don’t think we really need to talk about the tension in their relationship, let me just share this exchange with you.

 

Mo':  “I think that’s enough tattoos, yeah?”

Kyle: “If I want to, I will.”

Mo':  “I will not allow that.”

Kyle:  "You don’t have a choice.”

I think that kind of says it all, doesn’t it?

 

If it doesn’t, what about this speech from Kyle: “I went from doing everything my mom told me to do to being a mom myself and being a good example to my girls and I realized that you can do all that and things can still go to shit. I don’t know if it’s brought on by my sister or what, but I don’t feel like I have to answer to anybody.”

 

Nope, she sure doesn’t, and I have a feeling that just like an eagle leaving it's nest and flying solo for the first time, so is Kyle.